To be put out that partner's wedding invite has been rescinded?

[Marginal]

Save the date was sent 4 months ago for very close friend's wedding. I see her every few months because I live 120 miles away now. We discussed at the time that she was having kid free wedding but that partners were invited. Checked with mine and he'd love to go, make a weekend of it, great stuff.

However, wedding invites were given out at a dinner with friends recently and only my name was on the invite. I checked this with her in front of said friends and she said yes just for me, thought it might be easier with childcare???

I didn't make an issue in front of everyone but she seems to have arbitrarily invited some people's partners and not others. One friend's partner has been invited and we've all only met him once - she's been out for dinner and drinks with mine and stayed at our house, gone on days out with us, all sorts!

I'm going to broach it, just plucking up the courage to tackle it - OH is hurt and has asked me not to but I'm feeling more and more irritated, so I need clarification.

I don't want to miss her wedding as I consider her one of my closest friends, but I'm confused by this change of heart. Before I go hurtling in, AIBU?

FromNowOn but why not send proper invites? You can't really send Save the Date unless you've checked there is a suitable ceremony and venue availble can you?
What do they say on them? It's presumably pointless as a shift worker to have a save the "15th" if they later then send invites and have the wedding a 7 hrs drive away.
Sorry to derail.

Because generally save the dates get sent about a year in advance. Invitations don’t. And yes you would only send a save the date after booking a venue.

It's usually just the date and the town the wedding is being held in. Doing it before booking anything would be extremely risky though

Yes but if you have the venue you might as well just send the invite. Why not? We sent ours 10 months in advance after planning for about a month.

Otherwise you get stuff like this. I bet it's just because they aren't good at planning rather than deliberately snubbing her OH. Hopefully not that stupid " no ring, no bring" policy that seems to have popped up from the US.

Well you probably haven't planned things like meal options or the gift registry at this point.

We certainly hadn’t planned food options, room reservations and transport options a year in advance. Which is what went with the invitations.

As another PP had said you clarified it with her in person and so what else is there to do? Just decline. If she contacts you about it you can be honest, if she doesn't then you know where you stand and allow the happy couple to enjoy their married life without giving them a second thought. Why waste your time on people who don't care about you?

I think she's amazingly rude. This is a well-established partnership, no question of the partner not being invited, in my opinion. We had a tiny wedding (absolute limit of 36 people) so only people in established relationships had both halves invited - ie, if someone was single, or casually dating, they were invited on their own.
This bride/couple is very rude. I wouldn't go.

Re save the dates - we didn’t do them because we sent our invitations 5 months in advance. However this was on the cusp of being “too soon”, as if you send invitations too soon, people just forget about them! They don’t mark the day in the calendar, the lose the invitation and you end up with 100 people calling you and asking the same fucking questions about the venue and the dress code and the gift list. So it’s a way of people ensuring others will be free, but also ensuring they will receive the important information at an appropriate time where they won’t forget it all -and fuck up the run up to your wedding with inane questions-

Technically etiquette dictates invitations are sent no sooner than 6 weeks before the wedding which was probably ok in the days when your guests all lived locally and ordinary people couldn't afford to go on holiday. I guess if you are really old school sending save the dates in addition to invitations 6 weeks before the day might be a compromise.

@Fromnowon yes I can see why shift workers would need to get plenty of notice, but I just don't see the point of Save the Date. This bride had obviously changed her mind between those cards and the invitations.

Inviting someone without their partner and without at least a private word ( ‘I’m so sorry we’re having huge difficulties with numbers etc etc’) is really really poor. I’d have a very delicate chat just to check u r not throwing away a friendship for nothing but if there’s no decent reason he wasn’t invited I’d decline the invite and distance myself from this ‘friend’

This bride had obviously changed her mind between those cards and the invitations

Which is a massive no no and very rude! Save the Dates are supposed to be sent to everyone who you’re planning to invite. See Tidy Dancer’s classic thread for example.

Right. As pp say, very rude of her.

If you don't go to her wedding you can't undo it. And it may alter the friendship. Talk to your friend before, it may be an oversight, simple explanation or miscommunication somewhere. Give her the chance to explain.
There is no logical explanation why she would exclude dh to such a low key wedding. It must be a mistake.

If it's just church then anyone can go. I've been to church weddings but not the reception because I knew the bride through my local church.

I would sit down and talk to her about it in a non confrontational way on the basis of "I feel" rather than "you've done".

Tricky though as if I were your OH I wouldn't want to go now !

Personally I would not go. Dose not sound like your missing much either. Iv never heard of a wedding where dinner only for a selected few, drinks later which your paying for. She clearly dose not consider you to be such a good friend. Maybe only you see that friendship

@Marginal So what happened? What did you decide?

Did you talk to your friend OP and sort things out?

It was an oversight apparently, he's 'welcome to come'. But she remembered to put other spouses on invites and also doesn't remember me saying anything about it when we last spoke. I took it at face value but I'm dubious - still deciding what to do.

After all this with the invite. I'm not sure I would bother going or want to go either, and dose your hubby still want to?
You said originally that she was a good friend of yours and your husband. I think that now maybe a good time to evaluate that

Let us know what you decide. What a dilemma.