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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put out that partner's wedding invite has been rescinded?

273 replies

Marginal · 12/08/2018 23:55

Save the date was sent 4 months ago for very close friend's wedding. I see her every few months because I live 120 miles away now. We discussed at the time that she was having kid free wedding but that partners were invited. Checked with mine and he'd love to go, make a weekend of it, great stuff.

However, wedding invites were given out at a dinner with friends recently and only my name was on the invite. I checked this with her in front of said friends and she said yes just for me, thought it might be easier with childcare???

I didn't make an issue in front of everyone but she seems to have arbitrarily invited some people's partners and not others. One friend's partner has been invited and we've all only met him once - she's been out for dinner and drinks with mine and stayed at our house, gone on days out with us, all sorts!

I'm going to broach it, just plucking up the courage to tackle it - OH is hurt and has asked me not to but I'm feeling more and more irritated, so I need clarification.

I don't want to miss her wedding as I consider her one of my closest friends, but I'm confused by this change of heart. Before I go hurtling in, AIBU?

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 14/08/2018 21:48

tell her now not after thats just silly

either she says she wasnt thinking and of course he can come or she sticks to her guns

neveracceptpoortrading · 14/08/2018 21:54

Feeling peeved may lead to a rash decision.
Think about it for a while.
Return her invite and tell the selfish cow

"A true friend wouldn't expect me to attend without my partner/husband, have a nice wedding"

ainsisoisje · 14/08/2018 22:10

However you ask tread carefully this can be a right minefield. I made a huge faux pas with my friendship group for asking if my boyfriend could attend a friends wedding, she’d totally forgotten she’d invited him when I last saw her. He came in the end (it was abroad so became our holiday) but clearly she wasn’t happy about it and boy did I get the cold shoulder. Weddings are insane pressure and think people often make offers initially in the planning bit that later on they regret doing.

ainsisoisje · 14/08/2018 22:12

The easier with childcare bit sounds like a blatant excuse.

Clarabell100 · 14/08/2018 22:19

Would you really want to miss your friends wedding rather than just ask her about it??

MrsWhatToDo · 15/08/2018 02:01

It sounds like you've decides you definitely aren't going. Fair enough if that's what you want.
Although in your position I'd play it 'a little dumb' and call her very nicely...
"Hi X. I've been thinking about how to say this cos it's a bit awkward... I think we've misunderstood eachother somehow. You see, when you asked us to save the date oh and I both did. We both have time off work and childcare all sorted"
Await response....

derxa · 15/08/2018 05:15

I would just go then never see her again.

clairedelalune · 15/08/2018 06:37

I don't have a problem usually with partners not being invited if the rule applies to all. I do have a problem however with the STD saying both as that has indicated that both of you are to save the date.
That in itself is rude enough. But then for her to come up with lame excuse about childcare, which is not her responsibility, is even more bad mannered.
And that is before you look at what it is (or isn't) that you have actually been invited to, which is really a non event; you cannot ask people to give up a day at work and not even offer a ham sandwich.
You have asked her for clarification already, please don't ask again. Step back gracefully (why would your oh want to go to something where it is clear not invited?); she has indicated her wishes and the value she placed on your friendship. Just decline and say you are now no longer able to attend. No further explanation necessary.

Clionba · 15/08/2018 06:46

This "Saving the Date" business is a new one on me. It never used to be a thing. Why do people do it? Why not send out invitations?

StealthPolarBear · 15/08/2018 06:58

I think they can be useful when you know when it's going to be but haven't booked or finalised all the information people would expect on an invitation

SnuggyBuggy · 15/08/2018 07:07

Also these days it's more normal to travel and stay in a hotel for a wedding so it gives people the opportunity to book flights/trains/hotels when it's cheaper

Clionba · 15/08/2018 07:09

Right. Surely it would be ok just to finalise everything and send out invitations, as people used to? It seems this practise seems to create another layer of stress and disappointment.

Xanadu44 · 15/08/2018 07:11

I would definitely speak to her. You don't want to throw away a friendship of many years over something that could be sorted out. Speak to her, see what she says. She may be really apologetic and not realise the severity of it (bear in mind she will have a million wedding related things going on in her mind) if she stays resolute even though she knows it has upset you then at least you know you will be doing the right thing by not going.

Rafflesway · 15/08/2018 07:13

Marginal, why are you so keen to stay friends with someone who has been such a nasty cow to your DP?

To be frank, she has also publicly embarrassed you too during the dinner with friends when she put you in a position where you were pretty much forced to question the invitation you were given knowing full well other friends’ partners, who she barely knew, HAD been invited.
This was no slip up - it was deliberate!

I wouldn’t come up with a lame excuse at all! Just decline in writing then wait and see if she contacts you to ask why.

Whatever happens, no way could I attend now following her shitty behaviour towards you both. The friendship would be OVER, (out of respect to your longstanding DP if nothing else.)

Also, totally agree it is mega stingy not to at least provide snacks in the evening for guests. Who needs stingy, bitchy friends in their life? 🤔

browneyes77 · 15/08/2018 08:23

The excuse she gave about the childcare (and it is an excuse), just doesn’t wash with me at all. You don’t make that decision for someone. You invite people and let them make the decision on whether or not their partner needs to stay home to do childcare.

And given that she knows your partner well and yet has invited partners she barely knows over yours - something fishy going on there.

I’d be inclined not to go either after this. But I do think you should be honest about why you aren’t going if she asks you rather than making up an excuse.

Belindabauer · 15/08/2018 08:43

I wouldn't go.
I wouldn't buy a gift either.
In fact I wouldn't mention it again.
It's a non event really.
Never heard of inviting one half of a couple to the church then expecting them to find something to do for hours on end, alone, then come along to a pub and buy your own drinks.
It would have been better for her to organise a friends get to gether, like a hen do.

ToftyAC · 15/08/2018 08:56

Some “friend”.....

Dillydallyer · 15/08/2018 10:12

I think telling her after is pointless. She sounds very tactless and may not have realised she would be upsetting/offending you. If she’s one of your closest friends surely this is something you are able to discuss as adults? Doing it afterwards seems petty when it’s something that seems so easily resolved either way beforehand.

crispysausagerolls · 15/08/2018 10:22

Doing it afterwards seems petty when it’s something that seems so easily resolved either way beforehand.

Agree

squeaver · 15/08/2018 10:27

You are really over-thinking this and now you're going to obsess about it all the way up to and after the wedding.

It's not a case of 'broaching' or 'tackling' it. Simply say: we do have childcare sorted so OH can make it. You'll know instantly from her reaction if it really is a snub. If it is, fine, she's not your friend any more.

But I do think you have to give her the benefit of the doubt. Everyone saying on here, "She must have known you'd have childcare" etc - that's an assumption. You don't know. Maybe your childcare arrangements are not something she gives a great deal of thought to. Maybe she was - however misguidedly - trying to make things easier for you. You don't know. Find that out and then decide what to do.

rainbowstardrops · 15/08/2018 10:51

I don't think you should lie and make excuses and then broach the subject with her afterwards!!!! That's ridiculous.
COMMUNICATE and just tell her you were looking forward to celebrating her wedding and having some child-free time with your DP.
If she says no then she's not much of a friend but for all you know, she might think she's doing you a favour with childcare.
If you consider her one of your best friends then just bloody talk to her!!!

FromNowOn · 15/08/2018 13:11

This "Saving the Date" business is a new one on me. It never used to be a thing. Why do people do it? Why not send out invitations?

Because for people like me who work shifts and have to request weekends off months in advance it’s useful.

And if also like me all your friends work shifts, it can take a year of planning for us to meet up.

stayathomer · 15/08/2018 13:34

A always flip flop on these things. On one hand it's terrible, on the other, she's trying to organise for how many people, cut costs where possible and she's probably wrecked trying to do it all. It's their day, I wouldn't bring it up, she's enough to think about. As for your dh being upset about it I'm sure it's nothing personal

MiconiumHappens · 15/08/2018 13:43

Hmmm weddings seem to turn perfectly reasonable people a bit bonkers.

I would say FaceTime your friend and just ask her if DP can come as you've sorted childcare. Nothing more nothing less. She will most likely just say yes.

I also wouldn't dwell too much in what it means (although I know that's hard). When planning weddings I think people forget how things make other people feel as they will be constantly being told it's your day.

Speak to your friend it's not worth falling out over Smile

MrsWhatToDo · 15/08/2018 13:51

I agree with Squeaver and Rainbow

Don't make assumptions. How awful would it be if you talk to her after and it was genuinely misguided?
If she stands by only inviting you when, you know for certain, she is in possession of all the facts... Well that's a good time to walk away.