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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put out that partner's wedding invite has been rescinded?

273 replies

Marginal · 12/08/2018 23:55

Save the date was sent 4 months ago for very close friend's wedding. I see her every few months because I live 120 miles away now. We discussed at the time that she was having kid free wedding but that partners were invited. Checked with mine and he'd love to go, make a weekend of it, great stuff.

However, wedding invites were given out at a dinner with friends recently and only my name was on the invite. I checked this with her in front of said friends and she said yes just for me, thought it might be easier with childcare???

I didn't make an issue in front of everyone but she seems to have arbitrarily invited some people's partners and not others. One friend's partner has been invited and we've all only met him once - she's been out for dinner and drinks with mine and stayed at our house, gone on days out with us, all sorts!

I'm going to broach it, just plucking up the courage to tackle it - OH is hurt and has asked me not to but I'm feeling more and more irritated, so I need clarification.

I don't want to miss her wedding as I consider her one of my closest friends, but I'm confused by this change of heart. Before I go hurtling in, AIBU?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 13/08/2018 09:47

@poster whoaskedyou

The friends arent invited to the meal though. They have to amuse themselves till the evening drinks.

Hadalifeonce · 13/08/2018 09:48

I really don't think you have a problem, Marginal, If you want to go. The church is a public place, so ANYONE can go, even strangers. If you are arranging a meal with friends, include your DH, it's a private dinner for you and your friends, the bride cannot object to that. If the celebrations drinks are not in a private venue, and the happy couple are not paying, include your DH. If the bride has a problem with any of that, I really don't think she is much of a friend.

Gemini69 · 13/08/2018 09:54

Did you ask yet ?

Riv · 13/08/2018 10:01

You could reach an easy compromise, going as a couple to the church and the meal with your friends but not the drinks reception.
As Hadalife said: A church is a public venue so anyone can go, and must be admitted at a wedding if there is room and no safety implications (it's to do with the wedding being a public declaration so it's a legal thing I think)
Your partner can join in with the friends meal, if they want to as that's under your control :D
You show your loyalty to your partner by both avoiding the celebratory drinks party afterwards.

whoaskedyou · 13/08/2018 10:07

@NannyOgg

OP stated earlier: "Friends and I will be going for a pub meal in between ceremony and after drinks" and I took that to mean something other than the 'family only' meal.

OP are you going to this event or not?

Birdsgottafly · 13/08/2018 10:17

I would have to have it out with her.

She has taken your hospitality, but not extended it. In the case of venue numbers etc, that could be explained, but can't be, given the arrangements for the Wedding.

Does her OH not like your DH, possibly?

It sounded like a nice, easily enjoyable, as you say make-a-weekend-of-it, type do, until the snub. You are going to have to ask her, because you aren't going to get passed this. Either you seethe on the day and resentment builds, or you don't go and the friendship never recovers.

squeaver · 13/08/2018 10:32

Could it not just be the case that she does think it would be easier for you with childcare? Misguidedly, she's trying to do you a favour.

As someone said ages ago, just say to her: we've got childcare sorted so OH can come as we talked about originally. Can't wait, really looking forward to it!

Breezy, breezy. No need for confrontation or ending the freindship.

FromNowOn · 13/08/2018 10:32

Thing is, she doesn’t get to decide your childcare. That’s up to you if you think you can make it or not.

Surely your DH can go anyway seeing as he turn up at he church if he wants, because anyone can. He can go to the friends meal as she has nothing to do with it. And if the evening bit is just going to the pub, then he can go to that as well, as can anyone else. Unless of course it’s a hired venue. To be honest it sounds like they’re putting zero effort or thought in to it anyway. As guests you’re getting fuck all.

BarbraDear · 13/08/2018 10:40

The wedding itself sounds fine to me, keeping costs down and not getting into debt for one day is smart if they haven't saved. BUT inviting then uninviting your partner is shite. I'd mention it and if she seems a bit off about him coming then I'd decline.

diddl · 13/08/2018 10:49

Who is paying for the drinks after the seperate meals?

If that's the only bit in a venue or that they are hosting then that surely is all they can not invite him to?

As a pp says, just miss that if you go at all.

Knittedfairies · 13/08/2018 10:54

I’m not quite sure what you’ve been ‘invited’ to attend. A wedding in a church is a public event; anyone can be there. You haven’t made the A list of guests, so you’re going to hang around a pub (again public) with your friends buying your own food and drink, before buying your own drinks in the evening? I get why you’re disappointed your OH’s invitation as been rescinded, but he could still go to the friend gathering if he didn’t feel able to ‘gate crash’ the church bit. (I’m not sure I’d go at all tbh)

Chartreuseveil · 13/08/2018 11:05

I think the wedding itself would be fine if the whole day was limited to just those attending the private meal. I’d have a tiny wedding myself and can’t fathom why a couple would invite people to the church ceremony and not make them part of the whole day. Go small and save the cash or go big and pay for it

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/08/2018 11:07

t's one thing to want childfree, it's another to decide who childcare will be!

Some grandparents actually enjoy the occasional opportunity to share an evening with their grandchildren diddl

It isn't necessarily an imposition.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 13/08/2018 11:22

I can't believe so many posters are telling OP that her OH should just turn up to the ceremony anyway or that she should ring the bride and tell her OH will be coming! Put yourselves in OP's partners position. Assuming he has a modecum of self-respect, he's not going to turn up to an event where it's been made clear he's not wanted is he? It's really not worth embarrassing yourself (and your partner) like this to make a point. Just don't go!

ohfourfoxache · 13/08/2018 11:23

Does she have form for behaviour like this?

diddl · 13/08/2018 11:35

"Some grandparents actually enjoy the occasional opportunity to share an evening with their grandchildren "

Sorry, I didn't write my post properly.

I meant that the bride seems to have decided that Op's partner should be the childcare,hence not inviting him, which is odd as Op would stay with her parents who presumably would provide childcare iyswim.

SauvignonBlanche · 13/08/2018 11:44

Classic bridezilla behaviour!

Clionba · 13/08/2018 11:47

But what are you being invited to? Drinks at a pub? It's not really a catered event, so does it matter who goes? On all honesty, sending out Save the Day plus invitations is a bit over the top for this "event!!

TillyTadpole · 13/08/2018 11:47

Like others have stated you haven't actually been "invited" to anything. Anyone can attend the Church service and anyone can buy their own lunch in a pub.

I would be offended if my friend didn't want my dh at their wedding (even though they couldn't stop him being at the service).

I think I would take advantage of the childcare already booked( I assume you have the kids covered?) And have a relaxing weekend away with hubby. ....Nowhere near the wedding GinWine

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/08/2018 11:48

I meant that the bride seems to have decided that Op's partner should be the childcare,hence not inviting him, which is odd as Op would stay with her parents who presumably would provide childcare iyswim.

My apologies to you diddl - I misunderstood.

It's just so many people on here seem to think that asking grandparents to look after grandchildren for a couple of hours is an abuse of the Older Generation!

I'm sorry if I was snippy. Flowers

diddl · 13/08/2018 11:52

"My apologies to you diddl - I misunderstood."

No problem-it wasn't a very clear post!

Sparklynails7 · 13/08/2018 12:03

I wouldn't confront her like some of the posters on here have suggested. It's her wedding so it's her choice. However, your friend is not paying for food or drinks and seems to just want a present or money. I would RSVP "no thanks" and send a card without money inside.

user1495390685 · 13/08/2018 12:04

Weddings are so mind-numbing. Why don't you make a day of it somewhere YOU want to go -- especially if you already have childcare sorted.

BrynhildurWhitemane · 13/08/2018 12:14

I've been to weddings on my own (ex was a grumpy sod who didn't like them anyway).

But this is different. The bride seems to have decided the OH is to be childcare when it's not her decision. Does she (or possibly her DH to be) have an issue with the OH?

And inviting people without food. Well, if you want people to do you the honour of attending your wedding, you provide food and host them. This was always the case until the last few years, you fed people at weddings in recognition of the travelling, taking time off to attend, etc. Now it seems as if the B&G of today are acting like they are honouring you by inviting you. It's the wrong way round.

So, we have a ceremony in a church then drinks in a pub afterwards? Not stuff the bride can actually exclude the OH from, then. Odd.

SassitudeandSparkle · 13/08/2018 12:19

This is a weekday wedding with no food and three hours to kill in the middle? I doubt I'd waste a day's precious holiday on that tbh!

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