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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put out that partner's wedding invite has been rescinded?

273 replies

Marginal · 12/08/2018 23:55

Save the date was sent 4 months ago for very close friend's wedding. I see her every few months because I live 120 miles away now. We discussed at the time that she was having kid free wedding but that partners were invited. Checked with mine and he'd love to go, make a weekend of it, great stuff.

However, wedding invites were given out at a dinner with friends recently and only my name was on the invite. I checked this with her in front of said friends and she said yes just for me, thought it might be easier with childcare???

I didn't make an issue in front of everyone but she seems to have arbitrarily invited some people's partners and not others. One friend's partner has been invited and we've all only met him once - she's been out for dinner and drinks with mine and stayed at our house, gone on days out with us, all sorts!

I'm going to broach it, just plucking up the courage to tackle it - OH is hurt and has asked me not to but I'm feeling more and more irritated, so I need clarification.

I don't want to miss her wedding as I consider her one of my closest friends, but I'm confused by this change of heart. Before I go hurtling in, AIBU?

OP posts:
MyDirtyLittleSecret · 13/08/2018 01:18

Nah. I wouldn't go either. If she wants to keep costs down she's doing a great job. It's not like it would cost her anything extra for your OH to attend the service and celebratory drinks since she's making no provision at all for her invitees except the privileged few who get to sit down with her and eat after the service. That to me sounds like a direct snub. Sorry, I'm washing my hair that day would be my reply.

KC225 · 13/08/2018 01:53

If you have known each other for that long, and you know there is no expensive meal or evening do then perhaps send a text. Keep it light asking her if the only reason your DH isn't invited is childcare because you have childcare. Go to the wedding then plan your own meal/evening entertainment, you could join up with some guests and have a great time.

Charolais · 13/08/2018 02:09

Have your husband stand outside the church waiting for you - as if it is a dentist appointment or something, then go off with him for some fun right afterwards. Or not go.

SnuggyBuggy · 13/08/2018 02:19

I wouldn't travel that sort of distance to be hosted so poorly.

Sashkin · 13/08/2018 02:35

Go to the ceremony and then go off to do something nice with your DH.

In my experience at weddings with huge gaps in the middle, half the guests evaporate between the ceremony and evening drinks anyway. She probably won’t even notice, brides are so busy at weddings they barely spend any time with their actual friends. Just say hi after the ceremony so she knows you’re there, then leave.

Bitchywaitress · 13/08/2018 02:37

Sounds utterly crap OP. I would decline and send a congratulations card with a book on etiquette as a gift. unless she’s already asked for cash with the invitations

raspberrysplit · 13/08/2018 02:50

I normally think people are being ridiculous when they complain that their partners aren’t invited to weddings but yanbu

  1. retracting an invitation is rude
  2. she’s invited some partners and not others
  3. it sounds like she actually knows your oh well
  4. it’s not up to her to decide your childcare arrangements

so it’s totally different to a situation where the couple getting married have only ever met one half of the guest couple and are e.g, inviting a group of people they work with without any of their partners. (And even then if they’d originally said partners could come they shouldn’t turn round and retract the invite without some serious apologising for completely screwing up their numbers or something).

She’s being unreasonable. I would talk to her about it

RebootYourEngine · 13/08/2018 04:35

I would talk to her about it.

Or decline and see if she brings it up.

Notmany · 13/08/2018 05:39

Why weddings couples think it is okay to do this to their guests is really beyond me. If you expect people to show up to celebrate your relationship, at least have the courtesy to respect theirs.

She can invite who she likes but claiming that it is because of childcare is both rude and controlling. It isn't up to her to decide how you run your life.

As for the wedding organisation (food drink etc) that is their business and I wouldn't not go to a wedding bevause of that.

I'd politely ask her if there has been a mistake with your invite as you've arranged childcare so both of you can come as she had previously said that. If she says no it is just you I'd politely decline.

QuoadUltra · 13/08/2018 05:50

I’d be annoyed by this but there isn’t much you can do except not go. Which is what I’d do. Better to have a free weekend than a row with a bride.

We were sent a Save the Date for DHs first cousin’s wedding. Then everyone else in the family was invited except us. We were fine about missing the wedding but the relationship between DH and the cousin will never be as close. DH parents really resented it as the cousin had been a guest at all their children’s weddings and didn’t return the favour.

Cherrysherbet · 13/08/2018 06:19

I wouldn't go under these circumstances. She's rude to do this, and she's put you in a very awkward situation. It's a very odd thing to do.
YANBU.

StealthPolarBear · 13/08/2018 06:26

Sounds like her partner has a strong, and unpleasant, personality

FuckPants · 13/08/2018 06:27

That's rude as fuck and I wouldn't go, she'll soon get the hint.

The wedding sounds a bit odd anyway, what are the 'non family' guests meant to do while the family eats?

wheezing · 13/08/2018 06:29

I think it’s off but it’s quite normal because my DP has been invited to about 3 weddings in 12 months without me, including one aboard so where the costs were huge for guests.
There’s one that is childfree and I’ve not been invited on the assumption that we won’t have childcare (although the wedding is in a YEAR). Apparently it’s on that assumption anyway. Now I can’t see why I wouldn’t be invited and I’d then just decline if we decide not to use childcare, but there you go.
DP does go to these weddings alone but tries to do ceremony only and then leave.

Honestly OP, I think it’s damn rude not to invite partners.

Shoxfordian · 13/08/2018 06:31

Ask her why she's excluded your partner. Have you ever got the impression she doesn't like him or her fiance doesn't like him? It's fine to just send a refusal as well, it's an invitation not a command so just say no.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 13/08/2018 06:34

Perhaps she feels that you as the long term friend are more able to cope alone? Others get a plus one because they won't feel comfortable. I genuinely forgot to invite partners for adult children that were invited to mine. It was only when their parents ( who are my actual friends ) queried it that I thought about it. I know that's not her reason but perhaps she's not thought about it enough to see it's upsetting.

Having said that I'm not sure why numbers are such an issue.Is it a tiny church or something?

YANBU to ask her. And explain why you might like to travel 120!miles with your OH rather than alone.

meditrina · 13/08/2018 06:46

STDs are more trouble than they're worth, because you never know if people are using them in the traditional way (ie only to the subset of people who they really, really want there and without whom it just wouidn't be the same) or just scattering them round everyone, some of whom won't even be invited.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/08/2018 06:48

I think that’s very rude especially as she’s expecting you to amuse yourself for several hours miles away from home. How awkward for you. I agree to broach the subject as you already have childcare sorted and your oh is eager to come. If she still says no, tell her you won’t be going either citing awkwardness and not wanting to spend several hours alone waiting for evening drinks. Bridezilla.

HelpmeobiMN · 13/08/2018 06:49

YANBU - it’s weird and rude not to invite partners that you’ve met and know well etc. Especially if it’s not a blanket rule that applies to everyone.

Shitonthebloodything · 13/08/2018 06:51

If other partners are invited then it sounds like she just doesn't like yours. Very rude, I wouldn't go and I'd tell her why

bengalcat · 13/08/2018 06:55

That's a hard one as you suggest she is a close friend - but surely it would be a bit awkward amusing yourself after the ceremony until the evening do . If I really wanted to keep the friendship I'd attend the wedding ceremony but then leave .

DottyBlue2 · 13/08/2018 06:57

I think it's rude that the bride expects people to travel all that way, give up a weekend and then not even give them a canapé. The message they're giving out is that you're good enough to go to the church to make them look popular, but not good enough to be given a cup of tea.

Has she included a wedding list for her present? I'd be telling her to jog on, TBH.

The other big worry is how controlling the STBDH is being. Given the nature of the wedding, are you ever going to see her again? I think there are deeper issues than a neglected Plus One here.

Jimdandy · 13/08/2018 06:59

I agree with @SmellMyBeads I wouldn’t “invite” anyone to my wedding at all if I couldn’t afford to give them a sausage roll.

Church is public celebration drinks I bet are in a public bar. Are you just supposed to hang around until they’ve had their family meal?

NewUserNameTime · 13/08/2018 06:59

I think it's rude that she invited him on the STD and not the invite. I also wonder if she handed out the invites like that hoping that no one would ask/challenge?

Definitely rude to expect people to travel so far and then not host properly.

DottyBlue2 · 13/08/2018 06:59

@Mummyoflittledragon has a good point. If you do go by yourself, what are you supposed to do by yourself for 3 hours while they tuck into their wedding feast?

Rude rude rude on every level.