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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put out that partner's wedding invite has been rescinded?

273 replies

Marginal · 12/08/2018 23:55

Save the date was sent 4 months ago for very close friend's wedding. I see her every few months because I live 120 miles away now. We discussed at the time that she was having kid free wedding but that partners were invited. Checked with mine and he'd love to go, make a weekend of it, great stuff.

However, wedding invites were given out at a dinner with friends recently and only my name was on the invite. I checked this with her in front of said friends and she said yes just for me, thought it might be easier with childcare???

I didn't make an issue in front of everyone but she seems to have arbitrarily invited some people's partners and not others. One friend's partner has been invited and we've all only met him once - she's been out for dinner and drinks with mine and stayed at our house, gone on days out with us, all sorts!

I'm going to broach it, just plucking up the courage to tackle it - OH is hurt and has asked me not to but I'm feeling more and more irritated, so I need clarification.

I don't want to miss her wedding as I consider her one of my closest friends, but I'm confused by this change of heart. Before I go hurtling in, AIBU?

OP posts:
Chartreuseveil · 13/08/2018 07:53

butler it’s not really possible to invite/not invite people to public spaces which essentially is where the elements of this wedding are being held.

Original poster
Marginal · 13/08/2018 07:54

It's me who is 120 miles away, not everyone else. It's taking place near my hometown and my parents still live there so no overnight cost for staying the night. I will often visit on my own with children to see family and friends because its a long journey, and OH and I aren't joined at the hip so sometimes he comes, and sometimes he stays home and works.

Friends and I will be going for a pub meal in between ceremony and after drinks. No food on evening as far as I'm aware but she may be putting on some drinks. I don't have a problem with what she puts on at her wedding because that's entirely her decision and personally I'd just skip off to Gretna and save even more on cost!

My only issue is the reason OH isn't invited when previously he was. As has been mentioned, it puts me in an awkward position and I feel it may be best for me to decline, despite having verbally said I'll go and booking the day off work. I'd be very sad not to go but I feel I need to show loyalty to OH in this instance.

OP posts:
ThatFridayFeeling · 13/08/2018 07:55

The set up of the wedding is just plain WEIRD! I've never heard of anything like it and I bet there's quite a few guests who will turn down the invite for that (although they wouldn't say that!) I get that weddings are expensive but they aren't cheap for those attending either when you add up transport, outfit, hotel, gift, drinks (if they have a cash bar) but to expect to shell out for all that and not even feed your guests is bare faced cheek! I agree with pp, it's not her place to decide your childcare arrangements and given there's no sit down meal, I don't see why your dp would change anything on the day. Sack it off!

ThatFridayFeeling · 13/08/2018 08:01

AND it's a weekday so guests have to take annual leave?! If my dh wasnt invited, it would feel like a slap in face for my relationship. Someone said earlier, she's not respecting your relationship but expecting you to celebrate hers- it's spot on

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 13/08/2018 08:03

You and OH have been together for 14 years

She is being astonishingly rude and I would absolutely not go

bbcessex · 13/08/2018 08:05

Very hurtful that she’s excluded your partner given that she knows him and your family well and has been a regular guest at your home.

To be honest OP, the wedding format sounds odd. As she’s your friend, I can see why you’d want to support her, but it isn’t the usual highly anticipated event worth getting excited about..

Your friend may be in for a rocky ride with her new ‘D’H..

Happyoldbat · 13/08/2018 08:06

I think in your position I would feel the same and probably decline. It is an invitation, not a summons. Do something nice with your partner instead.

Lweji · 13/08/2018 08:08

I don't think you should go or invite her (them) to your house ever again.

It looks like they want a big church wedding but don't want to host their guests.

TheGlitterFairy · 13/08/2018 08:09

The whole set up sounds odd. Given the fact you’ve been with DP for 14 years - it’s very rude to not have invited him. I think there are 2 options: broach his lack of invite with her or simply decline. I wouldn’t be attending on my own on this occasion.

yorkshireyummymummy · 13/08/2018 08:12

This has to be the cheekiest bride I have read about.
To send a save the date plus an invitation to a public space?
The only people I know of that do this is when it’s a royal wedding - but that’s because eventhe Queen can’t host the 1800 people Westminster Abbey holds.

It’s really really rude and I would be politely declining.
If you can’t afford to feed your guests then don’t be making a big deal,of your wedding - elope.
And I feel really sorry for your partner. It’s nit nice to be excluded like that.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/08/2018 08:14

Personally, I wouldn't go.

It's a long way and an expensive day out for one - and it's VERY rude and (frankly) spiteful to "uninvited" someone.

"Childcare" is an excuse - you're a grown-up, well able to decide childcare issues for yourself.

The nature of the wedding is nothing startling - she's not providing a £50/head meal and free drinks all night - why does it matter how many attend?

For whatever reason, this looks like a deliberate snub.

I would either

a) not go at all - send a card with no gift

b) go, with DP to the service, give a card (with no gift - or a small token gift) and do what you originally intended with the rest of the time and make a child-free break of it as a treat for yourselves

Whatever you decide to do - stand by you DP.

LoniceraJaponica · 13/08/2018 08:17

The wedding costs aren't going to be dictated by numbers. Anyone can go to the church, and if it is a pay bar, then that won't be affected either. It is very stingy not to provide a buffet in the evening. I expect the guests won't stay long because they will slope off for some food at some point.

The devil in me would be inclined to turn up at the church with partner and children in tow Grin

QueenoftheNights · 13/08/2018 08:20

I think it's incredibly tacky for posters to say they'd not go because there is no FOOD on offer. FGS is this what it's all come down to? An excuse for free nosh?

The point of a wedding invite is to share the ceremony not get a free meal.

I can completely understand the family wanting a quiet wedding and a family lunch. We only had 30 people at my wedding and lunch.

That apart, I think withdrawing the invite for the DP is odd and I'd query it.

I'd be inclined to either go the the wedding and come home, or say you'd rather attend the drinks only as a couple.

PollyFlinderz · 13/08/2018 08:21

OP, I feel sorry for your friend because it looks to me as if she thought she'd made compromises with her groom to get the small wedding he wants/they can afford but she's now had to make even smaller than she thought would be ok initially.

Would I go to the wedding? No. I wouldn't. And she would just have to accept she may have saved on her overall expenditure but in other ways she's paying for it dearly.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 13/08/2018 08:23

turn up at the church with partner and children in tow

Grin Grin Grin

Kintan · 13/08/2018 08:25

This sounds like a terrible wedding - not feeding the guests is so unreasonable if people are travelling from afar. Does she have a wedding list so is expecting presents?Sounds like it is personal to your DH if other people’s partners who the bride doesn’t know so well are invited. Probably a good idea to decline!

AJPTaylor · 13/08/2018 08:30

People are being harsh. As i said upthread, just tell her he can come. Happy days.
There is nothing wrong with brides plans. Back in the last century i went to plenty of weddings like this. Went to church, off to pub with friends for hearty lunch and drinks, rocked up in the evening.
But then none of us took out a 10k loan for one day. Ho hum

Lweji · 13/08/2018 08:36

The point of a wedding invite is to share the ceremony not get a free meal.

Actually, anyone should be able to attend a wedding ceremony. It should be the private affairs after that that should require an invitation.

TheLionRoars1110 · 13/08/2018 08:38

I agree that some of the responses about the brides plans are harsh.

I also think OP is well within her rights to decline. I would call her and say you'd both already sorted a day off and childcare as she said you were both invited. Therefore your DH would be very happy to come. If she comes up with an excuse say not to worry and send her a 'sorry can't make it' card.

whocoulditbe · 13/08/2018 08:39

Weird event. If you can't afford a wedding just don't have one. I hope she's not expecting gifts.

PollyFlinderz · 13/08/2018 08:42

As i said upthread, just tell her he can come. Happy day

You're saying people are being harsh but doing as you've suggest would be putting the bride in an awful situation because she's then going to have to explain it at home?

And really, would you go to a wedding knowing the only reason your partner was there is because you'd called someones bluff?

I never post on these threads and Ive just been reminded myself why I dont Grin

LoveInTokyo · 13/08/2018 08:49

YANBU, OP.

This seems really odd and I probably wouldn't go in the circumstances. But if she's a good friend and you want to be there, I think I would just be honest with her and say that you and your OH are both a bit upset that he seems to have been uninvited.

QueenoftheNights · 13/08/2018 08:50

Actually, anyone should be able to attend a wedding ceremony. It should be the private affairs after that that should require an invitation.

The risk you take of having a church wedding IS that anyone can attend. I know this from bitter experience. My mum invited some of her friends- they didn't just turn up- and I didn't want them there and her response was 'anyone could attend a church wedding'.

I also had complete strangers in the town who were passing and who decided to pop in and sit at the back. Obviously they didn't come to the reception.

So yes, anyone CAN go into a church to see a wedding. But it's a brave person who flouts this right in the face of a friend who has omitted a DP from the invite.

ShartGoblin · 13/08/2018 08:53

I have been the OH in this exact situation, it was very upsetting as I was given a save the date but later no invite. My DP refused to attend without me and it's always stuck with me how loyal he was.

ApolloandDaphne · 13/08/2018 08:58

Message her and say that you were wondering if your DH could come as childcare isn't actually an issue and he would like to attend with you?