Aibu to think im starting to be judged for not being (lower) 'middle class' enough, and disliking it?

[Sparkles10]

I have never really thought about the idea of class much but i guess my husband and i have similar backgrounds. We both grew up in a typical 4 bed detached home, went to the local comp, did well at uni and now have relatively good jobs - not high flyers but middle & senior management type positions.

We spent quite a bit of our money travelling when in our 20s so didn't have a huge house deposit and ended up buying a modest house that we are happy with. We are also quite careful with our money and drive old cars and shop at Lidl/Aldi so we can save for our future; holidays, spends for the kids, the house etc. However we are generous with our friends & family and like spending on nice holidays.

Anyway now we are in our 30s/40s I've noticed that many of our friends are leading a different lifestyle. They drive brand new cars, shop at Waitrose, drink certain brands of coffee, shop at certain clothes outlets etc.

What is starting to bother me is that some of our friends/family have now started making quite regular comments like why don't we buy new cars (we choose to save our car allowances rather than spend them and that's apparantly not a good thing).
They also talk generally about how chavvy some of the supermarkets we shop at are and diss certain clothes brands i might buy sometimes.

Im starting to feel like they are viewing us as less successful because we choose to lead a different, less materialistic lifestyle to them. I feel a bit down about this considering that educationally and financially we have done just as well and in some cases a lot better than these friends and family members, who are in a lot of debt to fund their more lavish lifestyles. However im even annoyed at myself for these comments making me feel that i have to define doing well in those terms because i think people have no right to comment on what we drive and where we shop regardless of how much money we might or might not have.

Aibu to be annoyed by this peer pressure to conform to this so called middle class lifestyle that's propped up by so much debt, or should i just give up and spend loads a month on a new car and start drinking craft gin and decorate my home with wallpaper from Laura Ashley?!

I know that deep down our real friends couldn't care less about what we do and that i shouldn't worry about what others think but i guess I'm just a bit cheesed off.

Hmmm you have several friends and family members who comment on how you save rather than spend on new cars? Or was one silly comment made about your old car and you’re exaggerating? I struggle to believe that several people in their 30s/40s in one friendship group would give a rats arse where a friend buys their food and clothes. If you’re not exaggerating, get better friends.

On the other hand if you’ve started this thread in order for PP to start bashing people who choose to buy things that make them happy then that’s pretty sad.

They just being middle class. The point of all their flashy cars, joules Bretton tops, Laura Ashley homewares etc. is to price to the world that they ate not working class. The same goes for their comments. Don't worry about it.

IME these stereotypes of class don't ring true at all. My husband's extended family include a few members with upper class credentials and all the rest of them are certainly upper middle class. We have regular 'family gatherings' and my observations are that no, they don't have great cars and they don't talk about supermarkets at all but they do go to fruit and veg stalls at markets or the fish monger and the butchers as it's cheaper apparently (??). I don't mention I drive past an M&S foodhall after work and so often waste money buying dinner from there as it's convenient. There's an Asda next door but I find it's size incompatible with convenience. I am embarrassed as they would judge me for it. The children of these people wear h&m clothes or hand me downs. They main choice of dessert at these gatherings is always meringue- often homemade but sometimes bought from some unrecognisable central London bakery/patisserie as their contribution to the gathering. So I would say they do have their preferences, that you would certainly have to be 'time rich' to put in practice. Equally, some of them would describe what I would refer to as 'cash flow' problems but there's still a holiday for you and your children for weeks on end as someone has some property in France, Cornwall, etc that you can stay in.

I would simply be asking them "why do you care?" About any aspects of the way you choose to spend your money that they question.

Also they don't sound like great friends tbh op.

Agree that money doesn't buy class does it? I think your friends must be very insecure in their social status if they comment on what other people buy. Tbh they sound quite basic, lacking in intelligence or class.

What @Bluntness said:
What's interesting about these threads, and there is one every few days is

It's alwats somone who can afford to live "better" but chooses not to.
The friends who do live "better" are always in debt.

I have friends who have quite flashy lifestyles but aren’t using debt to finance them. Some have wealthy family; some have well paid jobs. It’s daft to assume all such people are in debt.

It is though isn't it? It's always, I can afford to live like that, but I'm a better person and chose not to. They actually can't afford to live like that and they are in masses of debt.

No one ever says, I can't afford to live like that and they can.

I read somewhere on here that it's less middle class, if anything, to be concerned with flash cars and brands etc. Something to do with the inherit confidence that people from a mc background tend to have - the need not to show off wealth and try to prove to others how rich they are. Maybe that's true. However, I wouldn't really know as I'm working class and don't buy brands and drive an old car

Just stick with your real friends and cut off the rude counts who make those comments to you. Simple.

My Laura Ashley wallpaper was £5 a roll in the sale and it’s really nice! If you’re secure in your choices there’s no need to criticise other people’s is there?

Lesbian we live similarly to you. Our house is cheap enough that we can still afford it if one of us were to lose their job. And I much, much prefer second hand furniture. Not just cheaper but more character (And better made sometimes!) And better for the environment too.

I agree I know people who do have wealthy lifestyles and they certainly can afford it - no debt at all. However, they have a new car but it wouldn't be a flashy one, but still pretty unattainable to most and they can buy them outright- I'm talking a new vw people carrier or something like that.

I get where you're coming from OP - some of our friends and work colleagues make comments about the fact we shop at tesco and wonder why we have made the decision to save money each month as opposed to buying a brand new car etc. We'd rather save money for the future but I know some people just think we are being cheap or stingy. I try not to let it bother me, as I know we're in a pretty secure position with no debts. The same can't be said for some of our friends and work colleagues.

What’s the point of working hard if you’re not going to have nicer things Waitrose isn’t actually that much more expensive as long as you buy their because stuff which is much better quality than other supermarkets.

Many To save it for other things later e.g. in case of redundancy or long-term illness; so you have less change in lifestyle if economic conditions get more difficult; if you have kids, for their university costs or to help them buy a house; to model good spending habits to kids, who will have to live on less than you do when they are students and in their first jobs; for retirement.

Agreed about Waitrose though. There are quite a few things which cost the same as in Tesco.

I'm pretty sure that being middle class has nothing to do with flashing the cash. It's just about being not rich and not poor, and having a just above average level of education (bachelor's degree in average) and a white collar or professional job (or the main earner having that job, or having had and now being retired), and probably not being the first generation of your family to be in very roughly the same financial, educational and career position.

Flashing the cash is more associated with well off working class (tradespeople who own their own businesses) or people who've grown up without much money and become wealthy quite quickly. The nasty old fashioned term was neuvoriche or something I believe.

The op is a humble brag anyway. It's absolutely quintessentially middle class to save up, own a house and worry about money and saving for a rainy day, and above all to constantly worry about what the neighbors say and think when you're past the age when such things should bother you.

Op sounds very middle class with associated false modesty.

I shop in Waitrose and drink nice coffee. I’m not showing off and I’m not in debt. People are different. Stop worrying about others

Depends a lot who you've mixed with. A Barratt-style brick box can seem like nothing very much if you know wealthier or flashier people with huge houses, and said house is smaller than average for the area where you live. (This was how I saw things when I was 18; I changed by mixing with different people, and the areas I grew up in now seem impossibly upmarket, but I sometimes notice people my age who seem to have spent their entire lives in that bubble and never changed their perspective.)

OP I get this. We earn very good money, but shop in Asda and Morrisons, don't have brand new cars or exotic holidays (though this isn't out of the question), rarely go to fancy restaurants etc. I buy most of my clothes from George and sometimes charity shops. But upside of this is that we are debt free, close to paying off the mortgage, have a large pension, lovely large house and can afford to pay for home improvements and live very comfortably.

Yet still some people judge us - mainly colleagues - one in particular who often asks why we never go anywhere exotic or have brand new cars.

I sort of understand this.

I've had people comment on my family choices before now.

I have friends that are always on mini breaks abroad and in the U.K. as a group and spend the whole weekend completely pissed on Prosecco and eating out in expensive restaurants.

They also shop about 4 times a week in Primark and literally have mountains of clothes. I hardly ever clothes shop but when I do I try to buy a bit better quality.

I actually think we earn similar to some of them and more than the others.
Both me and dh are self employed and find it hard to find time to get away in holiday, so when we do go (every 3-4 years or so) - we go in luxury, 5 star AI etc. They often comment about how we've spent a 'stupid' amount of money on a 2 week holiday. They don't seem to get that they spend similar or more going for all the small mini breaks.

No way is better, it's just a different choice.

For what it's worth OP, you'll be better off in the long run with less worry. Me and Dh make a priory of saving too. I think it comes from being self employed and needing that peace-of-mind-safety-net.

We shop at Aldi, Lidl and Sainsbury's. Drive old cars. We don't really go without anything.

DH and I have quite flashy cars which we bought new. We have two houses with no mortgage and shop at Waitrose (it's lovely). We got this and a lot more through working but also through a huge amount of inheritance money. It is what it is. I'm neither better than anyone else nor worse. We've lost a lot of dear relatives which is actually heart breaking

In Ireland, associating or linking your wralth to your class is one thing only - hyacinth bouquet.

People can be skint and very classy.
This money = class thinking is very American surely??

I know what you mean op, DH and I got elbowed out of a group of acquaintances because we’re not interested in the latest Range Rover, wanky BBQ, shopping in M&S or designer clothes. We gradually found we had less and less in common with them as we’re pretty happy with our old cars and Tesco/Aldi shop. Sadly it does seem to make a difference.

Thank fuck I don't live in UK anymore if this level of judgement goes on among the masses. Seriously, everyone needs to get a life.

Spend money on things you like and you "must be in debt", don't spend money on anything and you "live like a spendthrift".

Damned if you do and damned if you don't hey?

If loads of your friends are really making comments then ditch them. If one or two people made off the cuff remarks about why you've not bought a newer car, then all of this is about your insecurity.

And cheers for the backstory of your life to paint yourself in the most holier than thou light, it really helped to set the scene

You need new friends. Most of my friends are posher and have more money than us. Nobody that we genuinely like has made me feel inferior.