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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think im starting to be judged for not being (lower) 'middle class' enough, and disliking it?

220 replies

Sparkles10 · 07/08/2018 00:36

I have never really thought about the idea of class much but i guess my husband and i have similar backgrounds. We both grew up in a typical 4 bed detached home, went to the local comp, did well at uni and now have relatively good jobs - not high flyers but middle & senior management type positions.

We spent quite a bit of our money travelling when in our 20s so didn't have a huge house deposit and ended up buying a modest house that we are happy with. We are also quite careful with our money and drive old cars and shop at Lidl/Aldi so we can save for our future; holidays, spends for the kids, the house etc. However we are generous with our friends & family and like spending on nice holidays.

Anyway now we are in our 30s/40s I've noticed that many of our friends are leading a different lifestyle. They drive brand new cars, shop at Waitrose, drink certain brands of coffee, shop at certain clothes outlets etc.

What is starting to bother me is that some of our friends/family have now started making quite regular comments like why don't we buy new cars (we choose to save our car allowances rather than spend them and that's apparantly not a good thing).
They also talk generally about how chavvy some of the supermarkets we shop at are and diss certain clothes brands i might buy sometimes.

Im starting to feel like they are viewing us as less successful because we choose to lead a different, less materialistic lifestyle to them. I feel a bit down about this considering that educationally and financially we have done just as well and in some cases a lot better than these friends and family members, who are in a lot of debt to fund their more lavish lifestyles. However im even annoyed at myself for these comments making me feel that i have to define doing well in those terms because i think people have no right to comment on what we drive and where we shop regardless of how much money we might or might not have.

Aibu to be annoyed by this peer pressure to conform to this so called middle class lifestyle that's propped up by so much debt, or should i just give up and spend loads a month on a new car and start drinking craft gin and decorate my home with wallpaper from Laura Ashley?!

I know that deep down our real friends couldn't care less about what we do and that i shouldn't worry about what others think but i guess I'm just a bit cheesed off.

OP posts:
Botanica · 07/08/2018 08:10

I think you said it best yourself in your last paragraph.

You're setting yourself up well for the future and will be in a much better position to weather any storm.

Far too many people living beyond their means or right on the edge because nowadays that seems normal. Immediate gratification on credit rather than saving up for things and waiting.

I lived like you in my twenties despite earning well, and boy am I glad I did. It gave me the financial independence I needed when I had to go through a divorce, and now later in life with a new partner, I can afford the private fertility treatment I need.

I never thought life would take the track it did, but not having money worries has made it a lot more manageable than it would have been otherwise.

Keep going with what works for you!

Marmelised · 07/08/2018 08:12

We lived through similar to this. Work colleagues commenting dispRagingly because we shopped at Tesco, friends with much flashier cars, clothes, holidays.

We’re all now approaching retirement and it’s becoming apparent that we have far fewer concerns about how we will fund retirement, help our children etc.

Live your life for you, not for other’s opinions.

Ellie56 · 07/08/2018 08:14

I couldn't get past this:

We both grew up in a typical 4 bed detached home. Hmm

jamoncrumpets · 07/08/2018 08:15

You can buy small batch gin in ASDA these days. Your friends sound like idiots.

mumsastudent · 07/08/2018 08:17

time & time gain I have come across people who seem to be more affluent then us later have serious financial problems. there are a lot of people who have serious debt problems and live well beyond their means. Its not success or class to choose what to spend your money on or whether to live within your means - the most important thing is to forget their attitude - & their advice - and be happy and content & live within your means don't compare your self to others. They are making themselves superior by looking down at you don't buy into it!

Goodfood1 · 07/08/2018 08:18

Those who mind don't matter those who matter don't mind

ImNotAsGreenasImCabbageLooking · 07/08/2018 08:20

I think you're reading too much into things. Other than some people asking why you don't buy new cars (nosy but depends on context) you've said they talk "generally" about things like supermarkets, clothes and brand preferences. I don't think that's odd is it? Why assume they're getting a dig at you rather than just stating a preference and why imagine that's any reflection on you?

Quangot · 07/08/2018 08:24

This is one for the Daily Mail I reckon

Mrsmadevans · 07/08/2018 08:28

You sound very sensible to me OP. Life being what it is nobody is immune from life and the troubles it throws up at us to me you are reaping in the harvest in case Winter comes calling. Don't give them any heed , l would joke about it if they said anything .

TheRealHousewife · 07/08/2018 08:32

TBH Id get new friends rather than question my own lifestyle choices Grin

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2018 08:38

What's interesting about these threads, and there is one every few days is

It's alwats somone who can afford to live "better" but chooses not to.
The friends who do live "better" are always in debt.
The poster is always in a social circle of friends who negatively judge them for some crap like shopping at Aldi.

It's quite staggering really.

paintinmyhairAgain · 07/08/2018 08:40

sorry, but these 'friends' aren't friends, they are putting you down because it makes them feel superior. do what makes you happy and have a lot less debt as a result.
these people are complete arses and not worth a damn.

IrmaFayLear · 07/08/2018 08:41

I don't care a fig about where I shop or what I drive. My last car was 17 and I had to practically push it down to WeBuyAnyCar.com before buying a "new" one (new to me; old to anyone else!).

But I suppose my choices are slightly dictated by the fact that that is what I choose to do. We spend quite a lot on holidays and are quite happy to not buy fancy cars/clothes/furniture. I do that classic middle class thing of doing half Waitrose/half Lidl.

I do agree that some people are a bit judgy though. My sil said she would never go in Lidl, and why do I buy "old books" and she would die rather than wear second-hand clothes. (She is a bit jumped up, though...)

IrmaFayLear · 07/08/2018 08:42

Oh, it looks like I'm advertising We Buy Any etc! (Actually they were darned good; offered me £400 more than local garage for scrap car)

Nofunkingworriesmate · 07/08/2018 08:42

You have miss understood Class, for example I could live in a council flat, drive a rust bucket, drink tesco value coffee!!!! But because my parents are lord and lady upperty I am still upper class

In reverse you could live in a mansion, drive a flash car and drink lavazza(?is that posh?) and can only ever call yourself working class as it's based on your parents and things not necessary related to cash

Nofunkingworriesmate · 07/08/2018 08:43

That's why it's so wanky and most other countries are rightly baffled by our British system

DameSquashalot · 07/08/2018 08:49

We've got a friend who is always showing off about shopping with Ocado and buying expensive wine and cheese.

If I told you some of the comments he's made, you'd think I was making it up!

However OP, I'm sorry but it does sound like you're looking for justification that you're better than your friends.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 07/08/2018 08:49

It doesn't sound like your friends are anything but nouveau, no real class at all (I'm not into a class system, but use the word class in terms of sound, innate good characteristics in people. You can be on your uppers but with class).

FannyCornforth · 07/08/2018 08:54

Ooh, Dame, please tell us what your mate says about his wine and cheese! Please!
Hen, sorry about your Mum.

thecatsthecats · 07/08/2018 08:55

RoadtoRivendell

All I can say is you're lucky not to have people like this in your life!

My FIL to be is one of them. He openly sneers at my car (to her credit, whenever he does this, my MIL to be snaps at him!). He absolutely thinks I should get a car on PCP to reflect my salary. I barely even drive any more, as I walk to work now. If I didn't have a car already i wouldn't be rushing out to buy one.

harshbuttrue1980 · 07/08/2018 08:57

You were brought up in a 'typical four bedroom detached house". You do realise that detached houses aren't 'typical??

tildaMa · 07/08/2018 08:58

@BitchQueen90

On a side note, I hate Aldi/Lidl and don't get the obsession with it. Much prefer Asda. Grin

Asda = Walmart.

Coffee pods are very environmentally unfriendly, single use plastic and not recyclable unless you empty them or send them to be recycled by their manufacturer. Also much more expensive than ground coffee or beans - the machines are cheaper because you pay the difference in price (and much more) in the extra on pods.

flutteryleaves · 07/08/2018 09:05

MN is always has these thread going on but i''ll bite, ok?

i dont agree that having a decent bmw, shop in waitrose, have a 5 bedroom detached house and a YSL handbag, Ralph Lauren polo t shirts is ALWAYS a sign of debt. (im not this person).

if they are in their late 30 or early 40s, bought 1st home in eg 2004. have always been earning good ££s and are now on say £40k for one partner and £75k for the other, they will likely have purchased home at better prices and not be paying as much on mortgage which leaves a whole load of spare cash. imagine they live in a medicore town, not an exclusive area in eg the Cotswolds, Reigate or st albans where a thee bed semi costs £600k. just saying they might not be in debt.

other people get ££s from parents. One very close friend of mine told me every birthday and christmas her parents give her £1000. so £2K a year, i tried not to look shocked but seriously!!

i feel a lots of pressure to conform like you have described as live in a fairly affluent area but i like to have money in the bank, i like holidays, i hate cars (so im not gonna have a bmw to pootle around as i only do about 4000 miles) and i also like overpaying my mortgage!

its just pure one upmanship and is a bit pathetic.

Cracker1970 · 07/08/2018 09:15

Your friends don't understand class. It's not to do with money. It's just that quite a lot of middle/upper class people do have money. But that doesn't mean you're not the same class as them if you don't have money. It also means that your friends are mistaken if they think having money gives them class. Money can be vulgar.

Clear as mud, eh? Smile

LesbianNotQueer · 07/08/2018 09:15

I've felt this way too OP, but feel silly for feeling it!

I recently bought my first, very modest house so I could be mortgage free by 40, and have financial freedom to travel/start a business/ work when and where I like. My car is 10 years old and bought outright. Most of my furniture etc. is second hand which is what I prefer as I like good quality and I find older stuff to be better made and more stylish.

The majority of my friends (all first time buyers) have got 35 year mortgages on new build houses, brand new cars on hire purchase, furniture from DFS etc. (which I hate!).

Oddly, I sometimes feel embarrassed as i couldn't afford those things, and I don't like people thinking that I haven't managed to live their way. They can't afford it either, and I don't even want what they have! Its a rare feeling but it surpises me. I love the way I've chosen to live.

No decent advice, sorry. But I get it.