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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think im starting to be judged for not being (lower) 'middle class' enough, and disliking it?

220 replies

Sparkles10 · 07/08/2018 00:36

I have never really thought about the idea of class much but i guess my husband and i have similar backgrounds. We both grew up in a typical 4 bed detached home, went to the local comp, did well at uni and now have relatively good jobs - not high flyers but middle & senior management type positions.

We spent quite a bit of our money travelling when in our 20s so didn't have a huge house deposit and ended up buying a modest house that we are happy with. We are also quite careful with our money and drive old cars and shop at Lidl/Aldi so we can save for our future; holidays, spends for the kids, the house etc. However we are generous with our friends & family and like spending on nice holidays.

Anyway now we are in our 30s/40s I've noticed that many of our friends are leading a different lifestyle. They drive brand new cars, shop at Waitrose, drink certain brands of coffee, shop at certain clothes outlets etc.

What is starting to bother me is that some of our friends/family have now started making quite regular comments like why don't we buy new cars (we choose to save our car allowances rather than spend them and that's apparantly not a good thing).
They also talk generally about how chavvy some of the supermarkets we shop at are and diss certain clothes brands i might buy sometimes.

Im starting to feel like they are viewing us as less successful because we choose to lead a different, less materialistic lifestyle to them. I feel a bit down about this considering that educationally and financially we have done just as well and in some cases a lot better than these friends and family members, who are in a lot of debt to fund their more lavish lifestyles. However im even annoyed at myself for these comments making me feel that i have to define doing well in those terms because i think people have no right to comment on what we drive and where we shop regardless of how much money we might or might not have.

Aibu to be annoyed by this peer pressure to conform to this so called middle class lifestyle that's propped up by so much debt, or should i just give up and spend loads a month on a new car and start drinking craft gin and decorate my home with wallpaper from Laura Ashley?!

I know that deep down our real friends couldn't care less about what we do and that i shouldn't worry about what others think but i guess I'm just a bit cheesed off.

OP posts:
RoadToRivendell · 07/08/2018 04:52

I agree. Why would you care?

They sound very silly 'we shop at Waitrose!' - good grief

RoadToRivendell · 07/08/2018 04:52

I struggle to believe this is true. My apologies if it is.

SusieQ5604 · 07/08/2018 05:06

My favorite thing about my car and house: they're paid off! So now I can use that money to travel. Also, in my job, I literally see people EVERY DAY who can no longer pay for their "toys" - new cars, boats, RVs, even the House note. I think you should ignore those people and find new friends. Sounds like you have your priorities straight!

Booie09 · 07/08/2018 05:17

I've noticed people who really have shit loads of money never brag about it! Also I would shop at Lidl and Aldi if we had one but only have a Tesco near us!! Hinez baked beans are all the same weather you shop in Waitrose or not!!

KanielOutis · 07/08/2018 05:28

There's something to be said for living within your means, saving for a rainy day and being thankful for your lot in life. I wouldn't give the time of day to anyone who looks down on you for what you have.

Pluckedpencil · 07/08/2018 05:37

We moved a long way away from England and it immediately got better. A big chunk of otherwise very nice people are caught in the consumerism trap and it is such a shane. I was just thinking about my friends and how I judge them...

  • one loves to talk to anyone who he sees that is street selling/begging, not because he is trying to make a point but because he is so interested in other cultures and always wants to get to know new people.
  • one is so generous she lent me her car for two weeks while she's on holiday to help while dh is away in ours.
  • one gives us clothes for the kids, perfectly ironed and always in a beautiful clothes shop bag like they were new
  • one calls and worries about me like my own sister, and she loves so so many people like that.
That's how I think of my friends. We all live in small, a bit run down houses. We don't have loads of money, but we have enough to go for a picnic, or dinner on a Friday with the kids. We help each other out. Fancy "stuff" can't replace any of the above, and I think actually gets on the way. But I also thought this is a very millennial way to live and I have lots of friends who have eschewed materialism.
Sally2791 · 07/08/2018 05:43

Stick with genuine friends who care about you not your finances

gamerwidow · 07/08/2018 06:37

lol at growing up in a ‘typical’ 4 bed detached house. Sounds like it’s not just your friends who are out of touch with how people live.
Seriously though people who care about what you have and haven’t got aren’t people you need to spend time with.

Allegorical · 07/08/2018 06:56

Do people really pay that much attention?
I couldn’t even tell you what cars half of my friends drive past a medium red one, a large silver one!
And most people I know shop at a mixture of Aldi and Waitrose and all the rest in between. Maybe it’s the geography of where I live but I shop at whatever supermarket is most convenient. And even my richest of friends loves a good Aldi stockup. My friends are a complete mixture of broke and very well off and we all rub along together well enough.

The more concerned people are about these things they are then the more insecure they are about their own status in life.

hazeyjane · 07/08/2018 06:59

I know that deep down our real friends couldn't care less about what we do and that i shouldn't worry about what others think

There you go. Solved by the end of your own op!

RoadToRivendell · 07/08/2018 07:01

How does this go, exactly?

Do they say something like, 'where do you grocery shop?' or, 'how old is your car, and do you plan to buy another?'

It sounds more like a comedy sketch than something that would happen IRL.

shoesoff1 · 07/08/2018 07:04

I live in a nice area of SW London, very rare to find a street with a bunch of new cars on it. The richest person (millions) I know drives a very old car.

Don’t understand why you feel insecure particularly if your finances are on par.

Sohardtochooseausername · 07/08/2018 07:08

I couldn’t get past ‘typical 4 bedroom ^^detached house’. This post is a humblebrag if you ask me!

I don’t think you fully understand class. It’s not really about money and property. I also have never come across people who criticise cars/supermarket choices. Change your friends!

BitchQueen90 · 07/08/2018 07:12

I'm from a proper working class background and I always find the middle class obsession with money weird. I can honestly say I've not once ever had a conversation with my friends about cars (to be fair though only one of us actually owns a car Grin)

If you're happy, who cares? Although it is weird to me that friends would say that stuff to you.

On a side note, I hate Aldi/Lidl and don't get the obsession with it. Much prefer Asda. Grin

Biologifemini · 07/08/2018 07:19

Fancy cars doesn’t equate to being rich. They are just a signifier of liking a flash car.
Shopping at Waitrose and m and s is a conspiracy to keep the middle classes poor. If I shop there all the time then I would have no savings.

OllyBJolly · 07/08/2018 07:20

OP sounds a bit judgemental herself...

I don't believe most people give a shit what others do. I'm "7 of us in a two bed council flat" working class and I shop in Waitrose and buy my clothes from Hobbs. The only comments I get from friends is "bet you only go there for the free coffee" and ' are you a total Nicola Sturgeon fan girl?"

In fact, maybe I should start a thread about how my horrible friends don't understand me..... Grin

YeTalkShiteHen · 07/08/2018 07:20

Why do people give a shit about this stuff?

It irritates me, as if money somehow makes you who you are. No it bloody doesn’t, and what you do with your money is nobody else’s business.

OrgyOfBarminess · 07/08/2018 07:22

These people are not your friends in my opinion, who actually cares where you go shopping, what car you drive and whether it's 2nd hand or disses children's clothing brands? There's so much more fulfilling things to spend your money on. I'm not saying it's entirely wrong to want nice things if that's what makes you happy crack on but don't be a dick with people who aren't interested in spending their money that way!

My best friend is in a similar position to you and I really admire her, she could do all of those things your friends are suggesting but why would she? They are living comfortably. It's a position I would love to be in but I'm not but that's ok too. I'm so happy for how well she's done and it's not awkward between us when she's successful because we've both been through the mill.

somewhereovertherain · 07/08/2018 07:23

Fuck em.

It’s not clever living in debt just to keep up with the Jones

I much prefer Aldi to the main supermarkets. Far better quality.

It’s your life and your choices.

FannyCornforth · 07/08/2018 07:24

'Drink certain brands of coffee'?

Helmetbymidnight · 07/08/2018 07:25

Umm really?

You’re in your 40s, a professional and worried about your friends opinion of where you shop?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/08/2018 07:28

Your friends are mean
Time to really take a step back and look at what people are in your life OP

I have been there and experienced this .

Start to develop some come backs . IF you want to see them call them in these comments

hazeyjane · 07/08/2018 07:28

Drink certain brands of coffee

Mellow Birds?

WhatAmISupposedToBeDoing · 07/08/2018 07:29

You judge them for what they do with their money, they judge you. Ditch them and go find some people who you actually like.

PowerPlayed · 07/08/2018 07:30

When I read posts like this I must admit I wonder how much is in the OPs head. I've just never meant whole groups of people like this.

One or two materialistic snobs, maybe, who are always given short shrift and slightly ridiculed, but entire swathes of the sort, never.

Most of my friends & acquaintances are successful professionals and are far more likely to be overheard talking about how much a bargain XYZ was than boasting about a new car Confused