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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think im starting to be judged for not being (lower) 'middle class' enough, and disliking it?

220 replies

Sparkles10 · 07/08/2018 00:36

I have never really thought about the idea of class much but i guess my husband and i have similar backgrounds. We both grew up in a typical 4 bed detached home, went to the local comp, did well at uni and now have relatively good jobs - not high flyers but middle & senior management type positions.

We spent quite a bit of our money travelling when in our 20s so didn't have a huge house deposit and ended up buying a modest house that we are happy with. We are also quite careful with our money and drive old cars and shop at Lidl/Aldi so we can save for our future; holidays, spends for the kids, the house etc. However we are generous with our friends & family and like spending on nice holidays.

Anyway now we are in our 30s/40s I've noticed that many of our friends are leading a different lifestyle. They drive brand new cars, shop at Waitrose, drink certain brands of coffee, shop at certain clothes outlets etc.

What is starting to bother me is that some of our friends/family have now started making quite regular comments like why don't we buy new cars (we choose to save our car allowances rather than spend them and that's apparantly not a good thing).
They also talk generally about how chavvy some of the supermarkets we shop at are and diss certain clothes brands i might buy sometimes.

Im starting to feel like they are viewing us as less successful because we choose to lead a different, less materialistic lifestyle to them. I feel a bit down about this considering that educationally and financially we have done just as well and in some cases a lot better than these friends and family members, who are in a lot of debt to fund their more lavish lifestyles. However im even annoyed at myself for these comments making me feel that i have to define doing well in those terms because i think people have no right to comment on what we drive and where we shop regardless of how much money we might or might not have.

Aibu to be annoyed by this peer pressure to conform to this so called middle class lifestyle that's propped up by so much debt, or should i just give up and spend loads a month on a new car and start drinking craft gin and decorate my home with wallpaper from Laura Ashley?!

I know that deep down our real friends couldn't care less about what we do and that i shouldn't worry about what others think but i guess I'm just a bit cheesed off.

OP posts:
FannyCornforth · 07/08/2018 07:31

And if you're that concerned about being 'judged', perhaps you shouldn't have posted here...

YeTalkShiteHen · 07/08/2018 07:32

I’m curious about “certain brands of coffee” actually. Is that a class thing?

BrewDoggy · 07/08/2018 07:34

Sad people. On the opposite side though, DH and I are judged a lot by people who have a lot less than us. They take perverse satisfaction because they think we have money and are gleeful when they see we have a small house or take unflashy holidays. One told me upon arriving that her friend had 5 bathrooms instead of our measly 2. Like what we have isn't enough and she's on minimum wage! We are comfortable, could pay off mortgage if we want to, we dont only because of the fee. I shop at all middle class shops like John Lewis, M&S but only when they are on sale which make what I buy similar price to Primark but better quality in general. We don't ever feel the need to show off because we are secure in who we are. I cringe when some acquaintances declare he would only drink expensive wine and would never step into ASDA. We shop at ASDA!

lettuceWrap · 07/08/2018 07:36

People would be making entirely the wrong assumption about our finances if the judged us by our cars, and clothes, and our supermarket shopping habits!

We tend to buy fairly small new cars and run them till they are economically unviable to repair (age about 7 or 8 in our experience). Sure, we could lease a Range Rover but cars don’t interest either of us, other than as something to get from A to B.
Sil has the same attitude as your friends, mock our choices, and always pushes DB to get the most expensive version of everything. They have a very flashy lifestyle- and huge debts.

Notonthestairs · 07/08/2018 07:37

I find this a bit odd and think perhaps you are giving this more headspace than needed and you need to be a bit more robust about your own choices (ie if they are otherwise nice, kind, supportive friends then you need to not give a shit about their supermarket hierarchies even if they spout off a bit).

My friends spend what money they have differently - it might be nice clothes or a few holidays or an amazing pension - I don't care where they spend their money and they don't seem to care where we spend ours.

Danglingmod · 07/08/2018 07:37

You do need new friends, OP.

  1. the topics of conversation sound really dull, and

  2. the other people all sound exactly the same. Who doesn't have a variety of types of friend? Ours are rich, poor, single, married, gay, straight, musicians, doctors, shop workers, teachers, joiners, self-employed, retired...

You need to mix it up a bit!

MissusGeneHunt · 07/08/2018 07:38

The only good thing about Waitrose IMO is the fact they're the only shop I can buy VB (Victoria Bitter) in my area.
Seriously OP, don't even consider these people's opinion. Live your life as you choose, be happy, be good to others and wear sunscreen (thanks Baz Lurman)...

lettuceWrap · 07/08/2018 07:42

Re certain brands of coffee, sil uses Nescafe pods and thinks that’s upper class. I use actual beans - cheaper, and better quality.

YeTalkShiteHen · 07/08/2018 07:43

I use actual beans - cheaper, and better quality

The smell alone is worth it! It’s my favourite smell in the world Smile

mineisarossini · 07/08/2018 07:44

You need to find better friends, I would be dropping anyone who was judging where I did my shopping!

So they are running up huge debts with their cars and expensive coffee. Good for them, they can work to their ninety five years old to pay it all off. That is their choice.

You are making a separate life choice to live within your means mostly.

Steer well clear of materialistic people and you will feel a whole lot happier instantly.

RoadToRivendell · 07/08/2018 07:44

sil uses Nescafe pods and thinks that’s upper class.

Does she really?

Firesuit · 07/08/2018 07:45

I think people are underestimating the emotional impact it has when people unexpectedly look down on you. Yes you can shrug it off, but the initial impact is still there.

I have had someone sympathise with me about the state of the job market, once they realised I wasn't working. As I wasn't working at a young age because I'd already earned enough to be able to live on investment income indefinitely, they were in effect sympathising about a state I thought was a cause for celebration and pride. Even though it was clear their comment came for ignorance, and was kindly meant, and I don't think of myself as caring what people think anyway, somehow it did still hurt briefly to be perceived as pitiable.

YeTalkShiteHen · 07/08/2018 07:46

The irony being that actually upper class would be shitty instant with no branding in a chipped mug! Grin

MarmiteTermite · 07/08/2018 07:47

I use Nespresso pods for ease (and I like the taste!), but I know it’s inferior to real beans and one of those stovetop pots! What brand are you talking about OP?

RoadToRivendell · 07/08/2018 07:49

We use Nescafe pods (or compatible, whatever) and I presume I'm considered terribly gauche by those who grind their own beans, like lettucewrap (I salute you).

I'm hopeless when it comes to coffee, I only started drinking it about 2 years ago and I have a child's understanding of it.

YeTalkShiteHen · 07/08/2018 07:50

The only reason we grind our own beans is that the already ground stuff wouldn’t work in our cheapo coffee machine and I wasn’t stumping up for a new swanky one Grin

(We get our coffee from a veteran’s charity site as DP is a war veteran)

DontDoitDoris · 07/08/2018 07:52

You are getting a bit of a hard time OP.
I see this all the time in my colleagues mostly 30s age group.
Its all days out,spa days,Rab jackets and prosecco on FB and they have confided in me that they are maxed out on CC and mortgage .
They dont have any savings at all .

Its an illusion that can tumble down any minute .

lettuceWrap · 07/08/2018 07:55

Roadtorivendel - ok I’m not sure sil thinks coffee pods are upper class, maybe “most fashionable” in her circle of friends would be a better way of putting it- she’s all about keeping up with the Joneses!

As for coffee beans - my coffee machine does all the hard work, pour in beans, press the button and coffee comes out. I have a hand grinder but that’s only for dire emergencies such as power cuts (mercifully we can boil a kettle on our wood stove).

longwayoff · 07/08/2018 07:55

Oy! Kindly stop dissing my laura ashley wallpaper. I'm admiring it whilst awaiting my waitrose delivery.

CoolCarrie · 07/08/2018 07:57

Why do you care what other people think? Don’t give them headspace.
I think you need to find nicer friends.

Timeisslippingaway · 07/08/2018 08:03

I use Costa pods I am definitely working class😂. I wouldn't give it another thought OP, just be glad you have what you do and be happy knowing that if you wanted to change your lifestyle you could. Not many people can.

FannyCornforth · 07/08/2018 08:06

Laura Ashley wallpaper really isn't very good. It's not even expensive, but still overpriced.

EdisonLightBulb · 07/08/2018 08:06

I would respond with "I prefer to live within my means and have no debt at all"

This is how I responded to a similar friend who is all fur coat and no knickers.

I did however always drink gin and have Laura Ashley wallpaper even when I was poor, but my Dad was a decorator so i didn't pay to put it up 😀 So on that basis you are a tiny bit unreasonable.

CherryPavlova · 07/08/2018 08:06

It’s about their insecurities and not about you. Unfortunately some people who feel intimidated by others successes feel the way to boost their own ego is to put down others.
Waitrose is the only place to get pomegranate molasses usually but other than that (oh and decent liquorice) then supermarkets are generally not terribly smart. If they are aspiring then they should really be buying their meat from a local farm or use roadkill venison and shoot your own pheasant. Then have their fish and shellfish delivered by a local fishman ( or caught by themselves at local trout pond). Clearly, they’ll either grow their own or have friends and neighbours donate their veg. Eggs obviously are just picked up from neighbours or your own hens.
Supermarket snobbery is never going to a sign of anything other than being lower middle class.
Labels on clothing is there to give you laundering instructions and the size. Displaying any label on the outside of your clothes just to impress is always rather common.
Relax and stop fretting. Laugh at the comments as they are so far from smart that it’s funny.

AStatelyPleasureDome · 07/08/2018 08:07

You sound very insecure OP. Absolutely the right choice to go travelling when you are young and free. Why are you now doubting yourself? You have done well, good jobs, are financially secure, you have all you need, so what's the problem? I honestly doubt whether anyone is seriously interested in your shopping or coffee choices. Surely they are your friends because they like you and find you interesting (you probably have lots of travel tales to tell!).

By the way, in fairness to Waitrose, many of their products, especially the essentials range, are good value for money. I think they price compare with Tescos and adjust their prices accordingly.