To ask you for your funny sleep talking stories?

[Difranco123]

I’ll kick things off. My dw is a chef and frequently wakes me up by ordering me to “take this to table three now!”. Recently she shook me awake to urgently tell me my cousin was on the bookshelf and needed talking down?!

when DS1 was very small pre speech, he would just meow in his sleep, (he did love grandmas cat), then when he was a bit older still obsessed with the cat said "meow, cats would buy whiskers"

My DH always leaves for work at 5am and I talk to him then when half asleep but never remember any of it when he reports back later!

Recently, I told him quite firmly that we’re having a baby (we’re not!) and it’s going to be called Zacharina and that’s the end of it! I’ve also told him that cheese straws aren’t manly enough and he must stop eating them!

Almost without fail, every night when I get into bed with DH, he's alarmed and demands, "Who's that??!" I usually ask him who the heck he was expecting in his bed.

He also has a great talent for sprawling himself completely across our king-sized bed. When asked to move over so I can get in, he tells me in a very aggrieved voice that he is already perched on the VERY EDGE of the bed, clinging on for dear life, and if he moved at all then he would fall out. I've tried telling him to roll in the other direction then, AWAY from "the edge" of the bed where he thinks he is. (I don't care which side of the bed I sleep on. I just need him to move from the exact centre so I can squeeze in SOMEWHERE.) That doesn't work either. Apparently he is on the VERY EDGE of the bed on both sides. He even maintains this in the morning, that I am always pushing him out of bed.

I did have revenge once, however. He woke me up by trying to shove me out of bed, complaining at length that I was pushing HIM out of his side. Apparently he was in danger of falling and was just trying to stay in the bed. Rather than be pushed, I got out, walked round and got in on his side, telling him he could now roll into the middle of the bed as he wanted. "Huh!" he said, rolling quickly and angrily further in the direction he had been pushing me. Of course, this caused him to fall out of bed, because he was already so far over on that side.

Further to my previous post, it's lucky I'm now more resourceful than when I was a child. My sleepwalking dad once took a wrong turn after going to the toilet, came into my room and pushed me over so he could get into bed. Of course, he thought it was his own big bed and that I was my mum who was on his side of the bed. But as it was a single bed, I landed on the floor.

It didn't occur to me that he had left a vacant space in his own bed and I could have snuggled in with my mum. In the morning they found me huddled on the cold kitchen floor with no blanket. He was VERY sorry!

DH once told me "Too hot! I've got to get back!"
"Get back where?" I asked.
"Get back to the ice. I am an emperor penguin. I have GOT to get back to the ice."

I used to have a tendency to sleepwalk when I went away with the reserves. I often didn't wake up fully when going to the loo at night and couldn't find my way back. I was kinda aware but not able to navigate, like I was dreaming. Makes me wonder how often I do this at home but know the way back.

I once woke up in the closed mess bar to the surprise of two blokes still playing the machines; I pretended to still be asleep and got out quick. Another time, after going round and round the corridor, I made a beeline for a room with the door ajar and the light on, obviously thinking that that must be mine; I vaguely remember two hands on my shoulders, being turned around and pushed in the direction of my own room - I must have been fairly obviously still asleep.

I don't think I talk but I do snore though the dogs don't complain.

My DH sleep walks/talks loads. When we first moved into together, he put all the lights on, moving beds etc cos he thought there was a giant spider under the bed.

Eldest takes after him and talks in his sleep. One night he shouted out 'we have too many ghostbusters!'

DH this morning told me he was talking to "remote voices"

My hubby rolled over and said "that is a nice bum you've got babe" and then went back to sleep He often talks in his sleep but sometimes I genuinely think he's awake as it's so convincing! My best friend told me when we were teenagers I was counting turtles in my sleep " 1 turtle, 2 turtles..." 🐢😂

I once found my husband in the garden one night (sleep walking was a regular occurrence), with his willy out, peeing up against the fence. When asked what he was Doing he said he was trying to get an inter at connection to the bathroom!

*internet

I always recall one of the early seasons of Big Brother where one of the male contestants sleep talked the immortal words “Squatting over a mirror, looking at my bum hole”

@callkiki and @PookieNoodlin

You win the thread for me!

I have history for sleep walking and talking. On one occasion I was in hospital and woke myself up singing out “I’m coming to get you” I was mortified and crept back into bed. The other three ladies in my room didn’t comment the next morning. 🙄😂

My DH laughs in his sleep. Deep throaty chuckles, and girlish giggles equally.

It would actually be quite lovely (and very funny) if I weren’t usually deeply asleep myself. The sound of him laughing infiltrates my (fairly pedestrian) dreams and turns them into a Stephen King novel. I’m ashamed to say that I wake him faster from his happy dreams than his stressy ones.

poundoflard
Had your son been watching a cat-food advert? '8 out of 10 cats prefer Whiskas'

After my wedding I had some residual planning left in my brain. One night I fell asleep on the sofa and turned to my husband in my life sleep and told him: "if anyone asks about hand luggage you need to sort them out" he said he would. I repeated in again then went back to sleep.

DH told me that one night he heard me in the hallway and came downstairs to me completely naked trying to unlock the front door with both dogs on the leads. Apparently when he asked me what I was doing I told him 'we're going to Spain, Sarah's there and she wants me to meet her'

I don't know anyone called Sarah and we live in England so I don't know how I was planning to walk across the sea. Thank fuck for DH loosing the front door keys all of the time!!

I once shook my husband awake telling him that our dc had done a poo and the happy needed changing. A few hours earlier I'd woken him by pulling the duvet cover off him and onto me. It was mid winter and freezing!

Once my partner spent the evening watching a show about fly fishing because it reminded him of his lovely grandpa who used to take him when he was little. Later when I went to bed he was already asleep and he murmured "Come on in, the water's lovely and warm". 😂

This is one from DH back in 2013

Stop taking my tablets, just cos you don't like it my friends do so tough......

I have more written down somewhere, will see if I can find them.

DH also sleep walks and sleep shouts

DH was laughing in his sleep and then said "fucking hell you jammy bastard"

Woke DH up to hold the nearly asleep newborn while I dashed to the loo.
‘Fine!’ He says, ‘You go if you must. But remember this. I’m a single mother, born in the gutter and no one ever gave me nothing.’

I have a lot. I sleep walk and talk.
Once when i was younger I went into my mum's room in floods of tears saying that "Jesus is dead and it's all my fault". Mum was mystified and they had to wake me up because I was so hysterical about it.
Then there was the time I was on a school trip and I yelled in my sleep "get your fingers out my bum".... I've never lived that one down. I strongly suspect my best friend would mention it at my funeral.
The time my mum heard the front door go and found me running out the front garden in just a t shirt... nothing else. When she brought me back to the house I was telling her I was escaping and she would keep me a slave no longer!
Or the time I wandered around the hotel room on the 12th floor shrieking about a man in the flat and then tried to go on the balcony and she had to wrestle me back to bed.
My dp caught me downstairs last year head in the fridge shouting "fuck me it's cold in here"

I have no memory of any of this and am apparently a source of continued amusement for everyone around me.

My Dad used to work late shifts, and often had a snack when he came home. One night I apparently came downstairs, had a long conversation and a snack, and went back to bed-didn't remember a thing about it in the morning.