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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask you for your funny sleep talking stories?

142 replies

Difranco123 · 06/08/2018 23:54

I’ll kick things off. My dw is a chef and frequently wakes me up by ordering me to “take this to table three now!”. Recently she shook me awake to urgently tell me my cousin was on the bookshelf and needed talking down?!

OP posts:
PookieNoodlin · 07/08/2018 07:52

My sister once went into my parents room shouting ‘Pookies top is on fire, quick it’s on fire’. Our Dad was obviously like wtf Hmm no to not, go back to bed. She carried on insisting my top was on fire and even went as far as describing which top and trying to drag my Dad out of bed. Eventually Dad had to get out of bed and get my top out my wardrobe to physically show her that it wasn’t. I was just lying in bed half asleep wondering what the hell was happing.

I once went into my parents room and into their walk in wardrobe and started to get the vacuum out (dunno why Mom kept it in there). Mom asked what I was doing and I told her I had to do the vacuuming. She thanked me but said it’s 3am, not really the time to be doing the vacuuming. I then suddenly dropped it and bolted into the bathroom shouting I need a wee and then fell asleep on the toilet.

IceColdCiderPlease · 07/08/2018 08:01

I sleep talk & walk on a regular basis.

I broke my big toe on one of my adventures and only realised when I got up in the morning and the bed was covered in blood & I tried to get up (I cut my foot in the toe breaking process)

iklboo · 07/08/2018 08:10

DH once sat straight up in bed, made a dramatic sweeping gesture with his arm and said in a loud actory voice 'AND OFF - INTO OBSCURITY!!!'

UbercornsGoggles · 07/08/2018 08:24

The very first night my now husband and I slept in the same bed he suddenly sat up straight and said "experimenting" really loudly. He's never done anything even remotely like that since. It has become a bit of a family joke.

Poodles1980 · 07/08/2018 08:26

One night after a lot of wine my dh calmly told me that he was worried about my speed boat full of drugs was going to sink and he was not going to cover for me if the police caught us. He was sound asleep and I'm not aware of us owning a boatGrin

HippyChickMama · 07/08/2018 08:28

Staying in a family room in a hotel, ds then 5, sat up in his sleep and shouted "are you going to eat that sandwich or not?" Then lay back down and carried on sleeping. Around the same age he also fell asleep in the car, woke up when we arrived home and sat up shouting "put another dime in the jukebox, baby".

scarbados · 07/08/2018 08:36

Him: mumbles something incoherent.
Me: Sorry, I didn't catch that. What did you say?
Him: I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Rick Astley.

But my favourite was -
Sleeping DH: What's palindrome?
Me: It's a word that's spelled the same backwards as it is forwards.
Him: Like 'potato'?

Charm23 · 07/08/2018 08:44

My DH sleep talks occasionally and I find it hilarious. I try to talk back to him and so we end up having some weird conversations like:

DH: Oh dear, that's not good
Me: What's wrong?
DH: A spider just teleported onto my leg!

But recently it's been him talking to me like I'm a work colleague.

I find it happens if I go to sleep after him and disturb him whilst he's asleep.

JellySlice · 07/08/2018 09:07

All my lot do or have done some kind of sleep talking or sleepwalking. Usually 1.5-2h after lights out. There was a period when between about 9pm to 11pm there would be a constant stream of wandering children in various states of undress and confusion, banging noises as they fell out of bed, laughter, shouting.

ineedsomeinspiration · 07/08/2018 15:16

I once told my shouted out loud for my Mum, when she came to see what was the matter I told her I was dead. I was about 17 at the time, freaked her right out I think.

CeeCeeEnnEss · 07/08/2018 16:08

I do it loads. Most recently I apparently shouted ‘My team are FIGHTERS!!!’ and then growled and went back to sleep.

5foot5 · 07/08/2018 17:31

I once fell asleep on the settee and when DH woke me I told him "We can hide behind the drums if necessary"

Another time recently I was having a nightmare about zombies. I had escaped in the car then in the rear view mirror saw an arm coming up from the back shelf. I woke poor DH by shouting "There's one in the boot!"

possumgoddess · 07/08/2018 20:53

When I was first married ( a long loooong time ago) we had very little money and no telly. It was in pre computer days so our evening entertainment was often to play cards. I once had a fascinating conversation with my husband while he was asleep about playing cards, I asked him what card he had put down, and then when he replied I told him he couldn't do that as it was the wrong colour. The poor chap actually apologized (while still asleep) and put down another imaginary card instead!

MsHopey · 07/08/2018 20:57

I don't know if I sleep talk. But I used to work till 1am at a supermarket and never gave myself enough time to wind down when I got home.
I would drift off in an almost delirious half sleep half awake where I would think customers were in my room. I'd try telling them to leave immediately but having to serve them before they left. I was horrified that I was inappropriately dressed in PJs or naked and the customers could see.
I never woke up well rested because it literally felt like I'd been at work all night.
Years that happened for.

FutureDays · 07/08/2018 21:07

I have been known to answer questions in my sleep, my sister discovered this and apparently in the run up to Christmas every year she would ask me what I had got her for Christmas, I would then be shocked when she always managed to guess all her presents before she opened them.

My husband has told me previously that I used to answer the phone in my sleep when I worked for an insurance company, I also apparently used to take customers phone orders in my sleep when I worked at a Chinese.

DilianaDilemma · 07/08/2018 21:07

ExH used to be capable of having entire, somewhat coherent conversations in his sleep. Like so:

Him: [unintelligible], I'm not going to manage to deliver this by the deadline, [his boss' name].
Me (still awake, bored and now somewhat intrigued): That's totally unacceptable. You know how much business depends on us reaching this milestone. What will it take to make this happen?
Him: [actually comes up with what seemed like a reasonably decent contingency plan for the project on the spot]

I used to joke that I was going to start a business pimping him out as a sleep-talking project consultant. Grin

Sucking the goodness out of a pigeon wins the thread, though.

tillytoodles1 · 07/08/2018 21:18

My H woke me up shouting "stop punching holes in me".

Helendee · 07/08/2018 21:30

When my son was about ten he woke up the whole house one night by shouting out "Get out you flunty cunty" over and over again for about five minutes. He claims to have no recollection of it. Grin

EastMidsGPs · 07/08/2018 21:35

I talk none stop in my sleep and frequently sleep walk.
I wonder how 30 years in DH manages to sleep and why he isn't a nervous jabbering wreck

I have woken him, apparently 'rubbing his face vigorously' demanding he get up as 'we needed to paint the grass white'!! He wasn't amused.

But my most famous which caused a frosty atmosphere for days was 'an aggressive mummering' (such a drama llama my DH😉) during which I pulled his pillows from under him and (as he claims,) deliberately hid them. The next morning he was furious with me, unnecessarily so I felt, and seemed to think I'd mummered and snatched his pillows just to annoy him.
My giggles and observation that if he'd bothered to get out of bed and follow me, he'd have known where his pillows were didn't help.
Pillows were found a couple of days later in the under the stairs chaos cupboard 😃

Tunnocks34 · 07/08/2018 21:41

Funny now but scared the shit out of me when it happened...

When me and OH first started living together, we went to see one of the paranormal activity films at the cinema. Anyway, we come home, go to bed etc. 2am I wake up, and OH is completely naked, stood up in front of the window looking out (which was the full wall, it was an eco flat) sort of swaying from side to side. I gently say his name, and he murmurs back a bit, but it a recognisable word. I then get out of bed and go up to him, when he literally spun round crochet down to my level and shouted ‘where is it! I don’t want to watch this anymore, I told you, stop putting it on’

He then grabbed the remote off the dresser, turned the tv in and got into bed and went back to sleep.

He had absolutely no memory of this in the morning. How I didn’t leave him I don’t know.

Tunnocks34 · 07/08/2018 21:42

unrecognisable crochet = crouching

susurration · 07/08/2018 21:46

I'm a chronic sleepwalker and talker. I hurt my foot a few months ago and the pain has been niggling since then. I took myself to 'hospital' last week, in my sleep i.e. the spare bedroom and refused to move until husband had pretended to call the doctor.

I also climbed under the desk once, dreaming I had been made homeless and it was where I had to live. Apparently I was crying my heart out. I was put back in bed and immediately went into a deep sleep and woke up none the wiser the next morning.

UnicornPug · 07/08/2018 21:53

I am a chronic sleeptalker and always have been. My best stories are too outing though! I was well confused the other day though- I woke up and was convinced it was Saturday. It was lush! Then my alarm went off and I was all confused. Turned out I'd asked 'D'H what day it was in my sleep and rather than answer properly he'd told me it was Friday night! I was out of sorts all day.

Both of my kids sleeptalk too, and my eldest has been known to sleep walk as well. Last night DD refused to move over in the bed when I asked her (we were sharing) and whispered furiously at me "I CAN'T because I DON'T have the President! Where IS he?"

Then ds woke us both at 3 by loudly announcing 'I enjoy jogging, but it isn't my favourite sport.'

tiredand30 · 07/08/2018 21:59

These are hilarious!

DH is very loud and animated in his sleep regularly.

Years ago we had a hot summer so the window was open in the bedroom.
DH gets up and rushes over to the TV shouting (and almost in slow motion :- very dramatic) "Quick, quick, shut the window, the TV is going to Crash!" Me being woken from my sleep and not knowing what was going on, actually got up and closed the window before I twigged he was sleeping Grin

I just leave him crack on these days Wink

shallichangemyname · 07/08/2018 22:09

I am a sleepwalker. I once ended up in my flatmate's room and woke up when he sensed a presence and shouted out "who the fuck's that?" I just calmly said I'd taken a wrong turn and went back to my room Blush. The more embarrassing one was a couple of years ago at a hotel in Turkey. I woke up in my skimpy pjs in the corridor and had to go to reception to ask for a new key card.