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Original poster

To ask you for your funny sleep talking stories?

142 replies

Difranco123 · 06/08/2018 23:54

I’ll kick things off. My dw is a chef and frequently wakes me up by ordering me to “take this to table three now!”. Recently she shook me awake to urgently tell me my cousin was on the bookshelf and needed talking down?!

OP posts:
Hellohah · 08/08/2018 23:01

Decorating DS bedroom so he ended up on mattress on floor in my room.
Woke up to him cuddling the cat, tapping her and stroking her saying "Oh cats name" over and over again. Then "I love you cats name" and "you're such a super kitty, good kitty".
I have no idea if this comes across as funny in text, but I almost wet the bed laughing!

BringOnTheScience · 08/08/2018 23:06

No-one warned me that parasomnia can be hereditary.

I claim the the collective noun for parasomniacs is 'a conversation'.

We've had full-blown arguments between rooms between DH and both DCs, while they're fast asleep. I'm the only one who's awake... and bloody annoyed about it.

Phoenix76 · 08/08/2018 23:08

My mum woke my poor old dad up telling him he had a knife sticking out of his head. Dad said the worst part was, he was so dazed and confused he believed her! That is one of many of my mum’s sleep talking sagas, they’re in separate rooms now!

Berniethecrabisthebest · 08/08/2018 23:14

My dh can’t watch programmes about dangerous animals before bed. He dragged me out out of bed once to save me from a snake and was Adament the dog at the end of the bed was a hairy spider and we had to leave immediately Hmm

starsandstuff · 08/08/2018 23:17

@mindutopia omg thank you for that mental image! Grin

I sleepwalked a couple of times when I was younger but haven't in years. But I have occasional sleep paralysis and other random sleep quirks. One is seeing (i.e. dreaming) a spider run across my pillow. I'm afraid of spiders and they're always really big. Cue DP semi-regularly being woken by me leaping out of bed and turning the lights on to look for it. It always takes a few minutes for me to gradually wake up, and remember that I'm blind as a bat so with my lenses out in the dark I couldn't possibly see anything. Once though it wasn't a spider, it was a wasp. I leapt up and trapped it under the duvet and shouted at DP to wake up. He put the light on and asked what was happening, as I was standing beside the bed and holding down a patch of the duvet very firmly with both hands. I told him "There's a wasp in there!" I think it was February. He just calmly said "Oh. Are you sure?" I very gradually started to think maybe I had dreamed it. But I wasn't totally convinced until I'd slowly pulled the duvet back and inspected the bed.

LuluBellaBlue · 08/08/2018 23:21

Awww my son sleep talks a lot, my favourite one was ‘you’re the best mum I’ve ever had’ it made me wonder how many mothers he’d had?! Grin

StrawberryFieldsWhenever · 08/08/2018 23:22

Lying cuddling with sleepy OH one night anf he started mumbling about bringing the shopping in.. told me to put it away and he would put the kettle on. I started laughing at that point as it took me by surprise, at which point he got all annoyed, called me a cheeky bugger and told me to make my own tea.

Still makes me smile remembering it.

AirandMungBeans · 08/08/2018 23:37

I once woke DH up saying "I love you Tim". Tim is not his name. I didn't know anybody called Tim. Thank goodness he trusts me!

LemonysSnicket · 08/08/2018 23:42

@starsandstuff :O I had the spider visions (wasps too) when I was younger and used to run into my mums room insistent there were spiders!

Historydweeb · 09/08/2018 00:01

This thread is amazing and belongs in classics 😂
When DD was young I heard movement at the top of the stairs long after she should have been asleep.
I asked her if she was alright and with a glassy stare she announced "19 house bricks and a giant mouse"

Nonibaloni · 09/08/2018 00:06

When my Dm and df were on there first romantic get away they were skint so had a tiny room in the attic of a B and B. Middle of the night Dm is woken by an almighty crack and the bed shaking. [DF’s name] are you ok? What happened?
Am I ok? I’ve just scored the winning goal for Scotland in the World Cup and I wasn’t even supposed to be playing. Best day of my life.
He’d kicked the slanted ceiling and broken his foot. Didn’t wake up though and was really confused when he tried to stand up the next morning.

Papergirl1968 · 09/08/2018 00:09

I used to have the spider thing too and jump out of bed and get the light on in a panic, convinced one was in the bed.
I don’t have it any more and I’m not as frightened of spiders as I used to be, although still not keen! Due to having DC I think, when you have to calmly put them out, while trilling “off you go to find your mommy, little spider.”

AirandMungBeans · 09/08/2018 00:15

ShadyLady, your husband in his sleeping bag has just made me laugh so loudly that I woke DH up. He looked at me, saw that I was holding my iPad and said "oh I thought you were laughing in your sleep again.". So apparently I laugh in my sleep!

IndieTara · 09/08/2018 00:24

Loving these and wish I had one of my own to tell

CheesyCurryChips · 09/08/2018 00:25

I sleepwalk frequently - once in a b&b my friends woke to find me standing inside the wardrobe, when they tried to put me back to bed I ran away out of the room & down the corridor, down the stairs & around reception. It took them a good 5minutes to catch me.

Another time in a hotel I slept walked out of the room looking for the toilet, thought the corridor was it & pee’d on it 🙈 next thing my friend knew I was banging on the door as I’d also locked myself out. Oh the shame 🙈 refused to leave the room after

Cellardoor23 · 09/08/2018 00:27

I sleep talk/walk quite a lot

One night I was away to meet the King apparently (with the duvet wrapped round me) told by my DP the next morning.

SaltyPeanut · 09/08/2018 00:28

Apparently, in my sleep I have an oft repeated tendency to tell DH, "if you don't fuck off, I'm gonna kill you".

Witchend · 09/08/2018 00:31

Dh sleeptalks when he's stressed. But on the upside he's very obedient and does what he's told.
My favourite was when we'd just moved house. I woke up to find him holding onto the bedside clock (which was plugged in) and tugging at it. I asked what he was doing and he said he was packing. Grin

Dd2 used to have temper tantrums about being strapped in when asleep. She'd shout "don't strap me in. I won't go in the buggy." and things like that.

Ds laughs in his sleep sometimes. More heartrendering he sometimes cries in his sleep. When he was small I used to sometimes come in to find him crying "mummy dead" and it would take a long time to calm him down.

Justgettothepoint · 09/08/2018 00:32

Years ago I used to work in what was regarded as quite a posh shop and the manager was always hot on politeness /attentivenesd to customers. I used to sit up in the middle if the night saying 'can I help you? ' repeatedly with my arms out until I realised I was dreaming. Used to do it until I left the job.

OnlyOneChainsaw · 09/08/2018 00:40

When I shared a flat with 4 other girls, I woke during the night to hear my boyfriend talking in the corridor outside. I peeked out the door to see him - stark bollock naked- telling my flatmate (who was trying to back into her room) "you see, the problem is that I've only got one chainsaw"
He denied all knowledge of this the next morning

MollysMummy2010 · 09/08/2018 05:06

Starsandstuff - I woke up earlier this year being tickled on my leg and I actually had a huge wasp on me. I put my hand down inside the duvet and it came out clinging to my finger. Was the stuff of nightmares and may be why I am up at 5am...also being smothered by a giant ginger cat who is scared of the rain doesn’t help...

Todamhottoday · 09/08/2018 05:53

I talk and sleepwalk, not as much now thankfully. We were on holiday in Italy when I tried to open the door to get out but luckily my DH had taken the key out, totally naked no shoes nothing and asked what I was doing, apparently I was going to walk to Munich...

I have also been in the street naked in the snow, DH again turned me round back into the house.

I also jump on my (poor) DH pull his hair, then calmly lie back down and snore. He has said one day I will give him a heart attack doing this.

When I was younger, I got up went downstairs took of my nightdress sat on my mothers very spiky rollers got back up without a word with said rollers sticking to my bottom and went back to bed.

Also lay on the floor taking to a dog....and apparently you can have a conversation with me and I will tell all my secrets!

The minds a funny thing

Feelingsad33 · 09/08/2018 06:02

scarbados crying at like a potato - brilliant.

My dh regularly screams a very odd high pitched scream which is a bit freaky. His best though is making pow pow noises while holding his hands in front of him before declaring “I’m a wizard!”

McFugget · 09/08/2018 08:03

Sucking the life out of a pigeon! Grin Grin

Another one who wakes self up laughing, great way to wake up.

Once in my sleep I apparently said, "Tell the vicar to put it in the cubbyhole." Hmm

acsec · 09/08/2018 08:06

The other night DD was calling for me and I wasn't quite awake but (amazingly?!) DH was and he said "DD is calling, shall I go and get her?" My response was "look out for the babies! What about the babies?!" DH asked which babies I was talking about -DD? "No, the babies there, they want their milk, the battery powered babies" was my response. No idea what battery powered babies I was dreaming about.

our favourite though is one night I was waving in my sleep and saying "see ya, Dad. No, not you naan bread man". I think we had recently watched The Mighty Boosh!