To think you can’t have it both ways regarding sex?

[GinDaddy]

(Before anyone starts with the obvious gag, I don’t mean sexual practices...)

A few friends of mine (M and F) were this weekend chatting about loss of sexual interest in a long term partner, and what causes this to happen.

It made me think of numerous convos and threads both on MN and elsewhere where people have said “I can’t stand the idea of sex anymore, I’d much rather watch a box set and have a biscuit” etc, or “Who wants all that huffing and puffing, I won’t let DH anyway near me” etc

Yet there are also plenty of threads and common discussions out there bemoaning and slating people (often men) for moving on from a long term relationship due to a lack of physical love or sex.

AIBU to think the two are connected?

Am I being unreasonable to wonder whether the people who prefer to have a biscuit, cuppa and soap, are also unrealistic to that their partner may want exactly the same? And therefore don’t really have the right to sound off in a blinkered fashion if the inevitable happens?

Relationship betrayal and cheating is wrong. 100%. However if someone basically says “I’m done with physical love, and I’m not going to ask you whether you feel the same”, AIBU to think this places some relationships into potential risk?

**Disclaimer:

1. This clearly does not apply to couples where one partner has suffered serious mental or physical illness. Or where both have tacitly or otherwise agreed to a non-physical relationship

2. I understand raising children can be a huge contributing factor to loss of desire for some, but that’s not for everyone

3. this is not my situation, so I’m not going to either add personal anecdote or take personal abuse

@Monty27

Thanks for the violent imagery of a cake shoved in my mouth

Out of curiosity, I raised this topic in a measured way because I hoped for a sensitive and balanced discussion about a topic which I think has a lot of import in the health of marriages etc. I wanted to understand something now and think actively about it, to help me be a better partner.

In what possible and conceivable way does that make me shallow?!

I agree OP. If someone is unilaterally denied a sex life why should they accept that for the rest of their life? There are consequences and I have little sympathy (have been in this position).

Mincing

Please don’t put your happiness bottom of the pile.

Mincing

Your children won’t want to be responsible for your unhappiness

Thanks guys (OP, sorry to derail). I'm not going to leave as it really would devastate our kids, and I otherwise have a rich life (good friends, close knit family, successful business, and enough time for a hobby or two). I just have to find a way past it, I think. Sex is only one part of my life, and I'm trying to focus on all the other good stuff and to get over my anger at my husband. Sorry for the pity party, it was very good to get that off my chest!

Mincing perhaps you could do what has been discussed on this thread and talk to your husband about seeking sex outside the relationship?

You say slim pickings but with online dating I’m not sure this is true anymore. There must be plenty of men looking for true no strings - I know a couple of very successful career focused men who want no strings with a woman their age (40ish - because they don’t want a 20 year old looking for a sugar daddy but a woman with her own life who would be real no strings rather than strung along) but they are hard to find apparently.

I've spoken with him about this before. He's very much against it. I could do it, but it wouldn't be with his agreement. So I won't, because it could only end in one of three ways - with me having to keep secrets (which I don't want), with him being angry but staying with me (which would be very unpleasant long term, he would likely never forgive me) or with him leaving me (resulting in a divorce which I don't want because of our kids). So I think I have to accept it, but I find that hard.

Im so sorry mincing. I’m not sure I could live with the resentment such a situation would create. I hope you find happiness whatever you choose.

Your story is very sad, Mincing, and you deserve better. This is one of those cases where, if you did decide to look elsewhere, I for one would never judge you. It's not as though you haven't tried for years to mend the marriage and it does sound as though you have been used as a brood mare.

Has he explained why he is so against it, given that it apparently does not mean anything to him?

No he hasn't really explained it. He just says he wouldn't accept it. His dad cheated on his mum and I think that really affected him. He's pretty fucked up about a lot of things actually, which I didn't realise until we had some couples therapy a few years ago - he's extremely closed emotionally. On one hand, that makes me feel worse, because it's a bit like I'm kicking him when he's down if I threaten to leave. On the other hand, I'm angry that he hasn't seen fit to be honest about his feelings or experiences so I could have understood before I had kids that he's pretty emotionally damaged. If I'd known, I wouldn't have had kids with him. I'm also angry that he just won't work on himself - he's pretty lazy esp about anything that makes him uncomfortable. I feel like an idiot too for not working out earlier how damaged he is about some things because we've been together for years and years - but he's just so closed off emotionally and gave no real clue and I had no idea.

I should add, part of the reason I didn't realise is that he gives off this aura of being totally laid back. My whole family, who've known him more than 20 years, still think he's totally relaxed. He's not, it's a massive act. We got together very young too - I think I'd have been more attuned to his emotional issues if we'd met at 30, not at 18. I still feel like an idiot for not realising.

OP because you have me a biscuit as in .
Seriously words are better.
If you are not happy then you need to leave. Unhappiness spreads around a family just the same way happiness does.
Like I say, I did a 13 year stretch. Good luck!

You're not an idiot, you were very young when you met, and if you have made a mistake then it must be the most common and human mistake in the world.

Do consider yourself in all this, and not only your husband, your children and your family.

@Mincingfuckdragon, that post resonated with me. You describe a situation I was lucky to avoid in my younger days, and we split up a few months before a planned wedding.

You also make a very interesting point: "I always felt like he was doing it to placate me, so I didn't really enjoy it either"

There are many posts on MN about women (and a very few men, as in your post) allowing partners to have sex with them, while they are not really interested. Live back and think of England type of thing. Of course I've done that from time to time with DH, but I do try make an effort as I know it is important for him.

Surely that can't be good on a regular basis in a relationship? Sex with two people has to be a two way thing for me, for real enjoyment or connection is when there are two active participants try to give pleasure to each other. I seldom orgasm, but I love the connection, and sense of power I have to give enjoyment to DH.

Life is short, I know in your situation I'd be seriously trying to address the issue (I know you are, he is not?) ... or find an alternative solution.

Thanks all. I'm going to try to speak with him again.

Remember that you have a right to be heard.

I preferred to get divorced than force myself to have sex with someone I didn't love any more.
It felt like having sex with a random stranger and | hated it.

Not only that he had not bothered with my birthday or christmas for many years, never gave me flowers. Seemed bored with our anniversary occasions that I organised, never spoke to me, didn't do anything in the house or garden, worked periodically and didn't support me when I got sick yet wanted sex 24/7.
Then was surprised when I wanted a divorce.

Just out of interest on the subjects of virgins getting married, my husband and I were both virgins and me made love every day from honeymoon to the day 10 months later when DD1 was born. I was pregnant again 3 months after she was born. I do not think that getting married as a virgin necessarily makes sex worse. In fact, you learn exactly what your life partner wants and likes with no comparison to others so I would highly recommend it.

Your lack of sex drive was clearly symptom rather than the actual problem, madcatlady. Why on earth would you want to stay married to someone who didn't care about you except for sex?

I've found this thread so sad but also interesting and informative. I've NC for unbiased replies but have been here years hamster stew, EKL, etc

I've been married nearly 20 years. Dh virgin when we met. I wasn't. Sex was always an issue but I love doing him and he was kind. Convinced myself wasn't the be all etc. Had several kids. No sex most of the pregnancy. Both okay with this. I did been SA as a child, few years back went to police, he went to jail, I had brilliant emergency therapy and got my body back. No longer flash backs Then dh tells me he's has a EA of over a year, shagged her several times. Took several tablets (he'd been important for years but never said, I thought it was my fault) to do it more than once. I met up with my teenage BF. Said no to his obvious fancy for a shag. Dh won't do oral. Said we would after marriage. Has done 2-3 times. Rubbish as I knew he didn't want too.

TL - Dh not overly interested in sex, ED but didn't say, I said no to a shag with ex, don't get oral, rarely get sex. Feel cheap and shit for wanting it, he's had an affair, can't leave. I feel I've got my body back after the abuse and now Dh rarely wants it. Same as before but more annoying now I feel free and also hurtful as he shagged her. Won't bore with what went on there .

Ffs i loved him not doing

Ffs I hate this iPad. He'd been impotent for years