To think you can’t have it both ways regarding sex?

[GinDaddy]

(Before anyone starts with the obvious gag, I don’t mean sexual practices...)

A few friends of mine (M and F) were this weekend chatting about loss of sexual interest in a long term partner, and what causes this to happen.

It made me think of numerous convos and threads both on MN and elsewhere where people have said “I can’t stand the idea of sex anymore, I’d much rather watch a box set and have a biscuit” etc, or “Who wants all that huffing and puffing, I won’t let DH anyway near me” etc

Yet there are also plenty of threads and common discussions out there bemoaning and slating people (often men) for moving on from a long term relationship due to a lack of physical love or sex.

AIBU to think the two are connected?

Am I being unreasonable to wonder whether the people who prefer to have a biscuit, cuppa and soap, are also unrealistic to that their partner may want exactly the same? And therefore don’t really have the right to sound off in a blinkered fashion if the inevitable happens?

Relationship betrayal and cheating is wrong. 100%. However if someone basically says “I’m done with physical love, and I’m not going to ask you whether you feel the same”, AIBU to think this places some relationships into potential risk?

**Disclaimer:

1. This clearly does not apply to couples where one partner has suffered serious mental or physical illness. Or where both have tacitly or otherwise agreed to a non-physical relationship

2. I understand raising children can be a huge contributing factor to loss of desire for some, but that’s not for everyone

3. this is not my situation, so I’m not going to either add personal anecdote or take personal abuse

Why does no one talk about birth injuries either? I had a horrendous delivery with so many stitches I couldn't sit down for weeks. It has left scar tissue that made some sexual positions painful. I remember the consultant at my six week check express horror that I still hadn't had sex six weeks after birth. Male of course.

I imagine it can't be that easy to just go and 'get' sex elsewhere when you are given 'permission' by the wife who doesn't want it, though? It's a bit of a myth that the world's full of women just gagging for it with frustrated middle-aged married fellas, surely.

Everyone I know would respond to a bloke chatting them up with 'It's okay - my wife's given me permission to shag around because she's not interested any more' with a derisive snort or 'Yeah, pull the other one, matey' or similar.

On the other hand according to threads on here and in a few couples I know in real life, it is the man that is not interested in sex for whatever reason. I think it’s quite common.

I've noticed a pattern in close friends where sex is not wanted by one partner for years, then they experience a resurgence and the other partner has gone off the idea. I think for people who won't cheat or leave but feel a need to connect in this way, there is no alternative but to get used to a life without sex, and if you are highly sexed or hurt by rejection this must mean distancing yourself from thinking about it over time to avoid becoming upset/sad.

Why as a species do we make so many rods for our own backs?

@DadOnIce

This is exactly how I ended up with one of my boyfriends.

I think it is all about compromise. My husband has a lower sex drive than me, we make a point of having sex at least twice a week, less if I’m not ovulating and more if I am.

He is tired, works hard and then trains in the evening, we also have three children.

Things have been easier with certain changes, he is very much a ‘comfortable shagger’ so getting a really good sofa bed helps.

I have to be passive in bed, he will accept a quick blow job but he wants to be completely in control, if I relax and get into his rhythm it’s far less stressful for us both.

We are quick about it, he doesn’t feel the need to go on and on for hours and neither do I. Half an hour is pretty much my limit apart from very rare occasions.

I try and find non confrontational ways to communicate with him about it, he doesn’t like being told what to do and that’s causes problems in our path, now I am clear but have to pick my moments.

I have a feeling it will get better and better, but we shall see!

I’m really looking forward to a cuppa, a biscuit and a sit down in front of eastenders tonight.

I’m afraid I’m in the zero sex drive camp. DH and I probably have sex twice a year and it’s been that way for several years now.

I’ve tried herbal supplements, changed my birth control more times than I can remember and attempted to ease my workload in the hope it’d reduce stress. Nothing has worked so far. I’ve recently had blood tests done to test for an overactive thyroid so hopefully that’ll be the cause and all will be fixed but I’m dubious.

DH has been very patient, never asks, never brings it up and wouldn’t look elsewhere for it. If he one day announced he was leaving me to find someone who can fulfill his needs then I’d understand.

If he left me feeling like I needed more, be it from not being a good communicator or never present etc. then I too would consider ending things so why should it be any different for him.

fletcherye can I ask why you are using any birth control at all if you only have sex twice a year? Wouldn't a condom suffice and be less likely to cause other health issues?

Dadonice I imagined some kind of MN certification process for it. At the moment it's exactly what I'm looking for but then I am a bit nuts just now - probably by the time I'm more sane I will want something else. Sigh.

Turtle I use it to control my periods, if I didn’t then they’d be unbearable.

My sex drive is completely gone thanks to a drug I was on years ago - it disappeared while I was on it, stayed gone for six years, I’ve manahed to coax it back a few times by coming off all hormonal treatments but even that hasn’t worked this time.

It absolutely fucking sucks. I hate it. My DH is miserable.

I’ve told him he’s welcome to leave. I would understand if he did. What I won’t do is have sex I physically can’t stand the thought of, that’s not going to help our marriage. He wouldn’t want me to either. It’s a stale mate.

And I take hormonal treatments due to endometriosis and adenomyosis. Definitely not for contraception as there’s no need!

Sex drive came back after I stopped breastfeeding, after a few months I thought it was safe to go back on the pill. It wasn’t. Been off the pill about six months now and still no sign of it.

One of my best male friends wife stated she didn’t want sex 10 years ago. During that time they’ve had sex once. He doesn’t want to leave because she’s made it clear she’ll take him to the cleaners (she’s not worked for 16 years) and he doesn’t want to see his DS only every other weekend. He’s had about 3affairs, feels terrible. But his wife seems to think it’s fine to trap him in s lla sexless marriage

There is no way I only enjoy PIV because I’ve been conditioned into it. It’s immensely pleasurable. That 3D of the clitoris that is often linked to on MN shows the huge internal extent of it - don’t tell me that can’t be stimulated by PIV, it’s a ridiculous claim.

Of course direct clitoral stimulation is important and it’s how I usually orgasm. But if my birth injuries have taught me anything it’s that being too prescriptive is the biggest threat to a healthy sex life.

I also like PIV for reasons entirely other than social conditioning! For me it is the gold standard.

As for orgasm, I have to have clitoral stimulation to begin and then once I’ve orgasmed from that I will continue to orgasm from PIV.

PIV is different though, it’s at that point I feel the closest to DH and the most validated by him. It’s an incredible feeling

I would never tell DP this but I am really not bothered about sex. I am too tired and it doesn't do much for me. But I do it for him and because I think intimacy is important.

So yes, I think you can and should "go along with it" for the other person.

Turtle I use it to control my periods, if I didn’t then they’d be unbearable.

I'm not saying we only like PIV due to social conditioning, just that lots of people have very healthy sex lives without it even being on the menu. Why then do so many heterosexual women have sexless marriages when PIV is off the table? Someone mentioned the orgasm gap upthread, the gap isn't affecting lesbians!

There are SO many threads here where the man / woman is not having the amount of sex they expected in their relationship. I though there would be more of a mix of opinions on this thread, but the consistent theme seems to be that there needs to shared expectations with respect to sex in a relationship, and if not then it leads to an unhappy situation for both partners, and usually worse than that.

There is a less discussed item too, that appears in other threads with respect to the quality of the sex ... after all who wants crap/poor sex all the time?

Obviously its important for both partners to take (fake?) the initiative from time to time.

And it's important to think about your partner, and ask them what they'd like.

xmas

We absolutely have to make a point of taking the time and energy to have sex. Otherwise it just doesn’t happen and we end up going weeks. Something husband doesn’t mind but makes me feel like utter crap about myself

FurryDice

I never used the word "denying" in my post and I used the word "demand" to describe potentially unreasonable behaviour on the part of the individual making unilateral decisions about a relationship. I'm quite aware of the language I used and don't appreciate words being put in my mouth by someone with an unhelpful agenda.

On good days I feel like I have a graze in my vagina and bad days a razor blade. I would LOVE to have sex with my OH, but currently it's just not possible. It's been almost 18 months & if I'd known how much worse the pain was going to get I would've pushed through it last year so it wasn't so long now. I feel for my OH, it's not fair on either of us, but I'd be devastated if he cheated on me or decided to leave. I still adore him and we have a wonderful daughter together. I wouldn't be in this position if we didn't have her. I'm 5 years pp but pain is horrendously worse after a loonnnggg undetected infection and I have no idea if it will ever improve.

Cantankerous, it is a question of making and taking the time...and participation too. After all if you are having sex with someone who'd rather not be there ... then it's little more satisfying than masturbation (having said that I've sometimes left DH have his way with little input from me ... thinking can't he hurry up :) )

Totally agree Xmas.

We are pretty quick tbh, maybe 30 mins twice a eeek? He asked me once if I’d like him to go longer and truthfully I’m good before we get to PIV so I’m happy to get it done with and carry on watching telly or whatever :-)

4yearsnosleep What's happening with doctors?

They have no idea what to do now. Everything is with the physio as I build up too much scar tissue with surgery. They've sent me to pain management which seems to be geared towards living with it rather than fixing it