To think you can’t have it both ways regarding sex?

[GinDaddy]

(Before anyone starts with the obvious gag, I don’t mean sexual practices...)

A few friends of mine (M and F) were this weekend chatting about loss of sexual interest in a long term partner, and what causes this to happen.

It made me think of numerous convos and threads both on MN and elsewhere where people have said “I can’t stand the idea of sex anymore, I’d much rather watch a box set and have a biscuit” etc, or “Who wants all that huffing and puffing, I won’t let DH anyway near me” etc

Yet there are also plenty of threads and common discussions out there bemoaning and slating people (often men) for moving on from a long term relationship due to a lack of physical love or sex.

AIBU to think the two are connected?

Am I being unreasonable to wonder whether the people who prefer to have a biscuit, cuppa and soap, are also unrealistic to that their partner may want exactly the same? And therefore don’t really have the right to sound off in a blinkered fashion if the inevitable happens?

Relationship betrayal and cheating is wrong. 100%. However if someone basically says “I’m done with physical love, and I’m not going to ask you whether you feel the same”, AIBU to think this places some relationships into potential risk?

**Disclaimer:

1. This clearly does not apply to couples where one partner has suffered serious mental or physical illness. Or where both have tacitly or otherwise agreed to a non-physical relationship

2. I understand raising children can be a huge contributing factor to loss of desire for some, but that’s not for everyone

3. this is not my situation, so I’m not going to either add personal anecdote or take personal abuse

the PP literally stated that she didn't think it could count as rape anyway as they were married. then as part of a conversation she said the above which was responded to. The poster has been banned now due to her posts so I wouldn't go defending them with half the story.

bearhunt that’s a good point. I talked about birth injuries because that’s my experience, but also did some care work when I was younger and remember talking to a woman with a progressive degenerative condition about this issue. Life is far from simple, eh?!

Also, I wonder if as well as the orgasm gap there’s a medical-attitudes-to-sexual-function gap? I’ve mentioned poor sex in every appointment so far for my post-birth fanny issues. Otherwise brilliant medics have kind of nodded and smiled but left it unaddressed.

Any men who can shed light on whether this is standard for both genders? Asking as I know viagra is prescribed for ED so wonder if “I want better sex and currently it’s not working for me” is seen as more of a legitimate problem for men, and gets treated.

I’m aware this might be my inner ranty feminist getting out of hand - would be interested to hear from men who are struggling: please correct me if I’m wrongly assuming systematic misogyny.

Verbana

DH got a full on booklet about his vasectomy, much of which was related to his getting ‘back in the sack’ including when he could masturbate and when he could have sex again.

Nothing similar for pregnancy AFAIR

@CantankerousCamel
PIV is different though, it’s at that point I feel the closest to DH and the most validated by him. It’s an incredible feeling
What an insightful comment and exactly how I feel.

Any men who can shed light on whether this is standard for both genders? Asking as I know viagra is prescribed for ED so wonder if “I want better sex and currently it’s not working for me” is seen as more of a legitimate problem for men, and gets treated.

as a regular commuter exposed to constant weird ED advertising in this country on billboards near train stations, and the millions spent by the us government on ED in the military, adverts of dancing men just having had sex... i think the answer is no one gives a shit about women's sexual enjoyment.

We just need to be available holes.

I was grateful to be without a partner when my early menopause began, I would have begged him to find someone else, although in my semi deranged state he wouldn't have needed much persuasion I think.

Yes, OP, you are right, the two are connected. And yes, an intelligent person would think it risks the relationship if one partner lost all will to sex, rather than pretending it will all be the same as before.

So, what's the solution? I guess the choice between:

1. can't be fucked about sex? - well, you might lose your relationship.
2. want to stay together? - this is a tough one. Probably compromise, and yes, "give in" sometimes (but not all the time; that'll be pretty much down with self-harm). Also, check yourself: are you on the Pill (which often kills the libido)? try condoms and a lot of lube. Are there any other health issues? Too much work/house chores so you're knackered? - ask the partner to relieve you in that/ assert yourself at work. Any body issues, feeling "fat"? - do something about it, exercize maybe.

People need to have a discussion of what's realistic in this regard in long-term relationship. It's no longer "sex on tap" and this is normal. A man who feels entitlement to the same sex he had at the beginning or relationship after a few years, and, not getting it, seeks his thrills elsewhere is a dickhead.

We just need to be available holes.

I have a sneaking suspicion this is true. The proposed ‘repair’ suggested for my issues will, as far as I can tell, add even more scarring to my vagina but make it more penis-sheath shaped. Which I don’t consider to be a fix, really. Couldn’t give a fuck what it looks like but I do want orgasms and long distance running without pain in my life.

I think this is a REALLY common cause for long term relationships to break up (based on very unscientific anecdata). It was certainly a factor in my marriage breaking down.

I learned a lot from my marriage about what I will and won't compromise on, and this is one of them. Nobody should have sex that they don't want, whether it's because of coercion or because they want to make someone else happy.

I'm now with somebody whose libido is similar to mine. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I know a similar situation where a friend said his wife never wanted sex. Their DC had left home, but he didn't want to lose half his assets.

As of that time he'd had 4 affairs and lots of happy ending massages. I never knew what a happy ending was in that context before then.

And was the 'no sex' factually correct sandy? Or was he just one of the millions who use that as an excuse for cheating? How many times do betrayed partners find that this has been said about them when it it totally untrue? Sounds as if his primary reason for not leaving was so that he didn't lose any assets. What a charmer.

I have a sneaking suspicion this is true. The proposed ‘repair’ suggested for my issues will, as far as I can tell, add even more scarring to my vagina but make it more penis-sheath shaped. Which I don’t consider to be a fix, really. Couldn’t give a fuck what it looks like but I do want orgasms and long distance running without pain in my life.

there have been many posters and threads who said they've been given "numbing cream" so they can basically perform their wifely duty. Even warned to put a condom on, otherwise, he might not feel anything

They literally don't care if you even feel it. It's nothing to do with female pleasure.

This has reminded me of a while back when I was speaking to my now DH about female anatomy.

I explained that ‘the hole’ is not really the pleasure point for us but the cylindrical muscle and tissue that forms it.

He was amazed at his own thought process as it’s so bloody obvious.

riiiiight even the implied assumption that we’d want to be fucked by men who don’t care whether we can feel anything is pretty crap. Lots of women are lucky enough to be married to men who see sex as a shared pleasure, not something they do to a passive lump of meat. It’s depressing, isn’t it?

However, this conversation has made me resolve to be more assertive at my next hospital appointment, so thanks all

@Verbena87 I had a consultant that was only concerned by my 'lack of coitus' even my current consultant suggested sex to 'stretch it'. I can't sit for any length of time, can't bend down, struggle to pick my daughter up, hobble instead of walk and can only punch as a workout . Being able to carry on day to day and not lose my job is my first priority. Thankfully my (female) women's health physio understands the pain I'm in and is more helpful

Oh 4years - thank goodness for physios! And I’m sending healing thoughts your way (which is probably no use, but sod it, can’t dk any harm).

I’m lucky in that physio and carefulness mean my symptoms are not too bothersome day to day and I miss and really want fulfilling sex, but nobody seems able to advise me on how to get there, or even acknowledge that that’s a valid thing to want.

I have a book that may be useful for that. I got it last year on the recommendation of a physio when my symptoms weren't as bad:
Kathe Wallace
Reviving Your Sex Life After Childbirth: Your Guide to Pain-free and Pleasurable Sex After the Baby

4years thanks so much! Will hop onto amazon and order a copy.

I think ahem wait for it
If one part of a partnership is not happy with the level of intimacy and they need or want it with someone else it should be about honesty. As long as nobody cares about it.
I think true love should be more than sex or getting your end away call it what you like.
It's about love.
I know I am going to get stoned but I am old school.
Hard hat is donned

Buggered up my last message. Never mind.
OP stick your where the sun doesn't shine and have some right in your moosh.
I hope your partner realises how shallow you are

NCd for this. I'm really sad about my (lack of) sex life and my husband's behaviour but feel there's nothing I can do. My husband was up for regular (say 4 x week) sex until we married. Then he almost always had an excuse (tired, stressed, drunk, tired, tired) which I believed - we both had full on jobs and I tried to be understanding, although frequency dropped to once every couple of months. Then we decided to have a child and I fell pregnant in the first month. I wasn't interested for a while thereafter (hyperemesis followed by a traumatic birth w third degree tears and very very bad PND) - and he never initiated - but eventually got my groove back and started trying to initiate sex. I was rejected over and over again - he just didn't want to. I'd try once or twice a week - I don't think I pressured him and always accepted his "no" without question or sulking. I tried talking sensitively about it and he just avoided discussing it. I asked him to see a doctor which he only did after about 2 yrs of semi-regular requests, which showed no underlying medical issue.
He said it wasn't me, he just didn't want sex - or any physical intimacy including kissing. 2 more years or so went by, with me periodically trying different things which I thought might reignite his interest. Nothing (at best, once or twice a year and I always felt like he was doing it to placate me, so I didn't really enjoy it either). Then I said squarely that physical intimacy was important to me and that I understood if he didn't want it, but that I needed to have it and that its absence would be enough for me to leave. All of a sudden he was interested again, and about 6 months later pushed for us to have another child. I agreed because 6 months of pretty regular sex (3 or 4 times a week) I thought the issue was "fixed". I fell pregnant immediately again. Since then, nothing - he's gone back to being totally uninterested. That was nearly 6 years ago. It's as though he got what he wanted (ie another child) and so now can afford to ignore the issue again. I have 2 kids and can't bear to leave as they'd be devastated, but he doesn't even sleep in the same room as me anymore. He'd be really upset if I had an affair, and it's against my marriage vows - and frankly in my 40s I think the pickings might be slim anyway. I just feel horribly lonely and rejected and sad. And I'm angry that I was good enough to fuck when he wanted another child, but not otherwise. I have wondered if he's gay, but I think he's just not interested in sex. Sorry, that was really long. I've never really discussed it with anyone. It's embarrassing that your husband doesn't want to sleep with you, when there's no real explanation - I'm (I think) reasonably attractive and fit and he's said many times it's not me.

Great post @mincing. Spot on.
I eventually split with my partner of 13 years. It was a very lonely time.

I’m glad the OP started this thread, negotiating sex in a LTR is a useful thing to discuss.

(apart from Sugar’s unbelievably offensive posts).

Sorry to hear what’s happened Mincing.

I don’t think it’s fair to expect you to live like that

Huge hugs mincing