To think you can’t have it both ways regarding sex?

[GinDaddy]

(Before anyone starts with the obvious gag, I don’t mean sexual practices...)

A few friends of mine (M and F) were this weekend chatting about loss of sexual interest in a long term partner, and what causes this to happen.

It made me think of numerous convos and threads both on MN and elsewhere where people have said “I can’t stand the idea of sex anymore, I’d much rather watch a box set and have a biscuit” etc, or “Who wants all that huffing and puffing, I won’t let DH anyway near me” etc

Yet there are also plenty of threads and common discussions out there bemoaning and slating people (often men) for moving on from a long term relationship due to a lack of physical love or sex.

AIBU to think the two are connected?

Am I being unreasonable to wonder whether the people who prefer to have a biscuit, cuppa and soap, are also unrealistic to that their partner may want exactly the same? And therefore don’t really have the right to sound off in a blinkered fashion if the inevitable happens?

Relationship betrayal and cheating is wrong. 100%. However if someone basically says “I’m done with physical love, and I’m not going to ask you whether you feel the same”, AIBU to think this places some relationships into potential risk?

**Disclaimer:

1. This clearly does not apply to couples where one partner has suffered serious mental or physical illness. Or where both have tacitly or otherwise agreed to a non-physical relationship
   
   
2. I understand raising children can be a huge contributing factor to loss of desire for some, but that’s not for everyone
   
   
3. this is not my situation, so I’m not going to either add personal anecdote or take personal abuse

[SugarIsAmazing]

But do you ask permission of you fancy playing with your partner's penis? I quite often spontaneously grab my partner's. If he's in the bath I might slip my hand in, or if we're in the car I'll have a grope. I've never asked permission??? I don't get it. Surely you're comfortable around your apparent life partner.

[CantankerousCamel]

We have a wealth of kissing, cuddling and showering before groping each other. So no

[MsOliphant]

You gripe his penis while you're driving or he's driving?

Ok whatever. You really are either a troll or thick.

[HopeMumsnet]

Hi all,
We've made a couple of deletions on this thread, while trying to let what is an important conversation happen. We would also like to draw everyone's attention to these rape myths as the information may be of use.

[SugarIsAmazing]

Seeing as I'm not a troll I'm obviously just thick

[CantankerousCamel]

‘Being thick’ quickly turns into belligerence if you let it, sugar

Can you understand that putting on a public forum the idea of ‘surprising OH with sex’ is a bit rapey? Especially given the context of the thread so far?

[riiiiight]

Sugar.
read the thread dear.

It's about people who do not want to have sex.

Now, remember not everyone is up for a casual grope while driving. If you don't want to have sex, you don't want your husband doing it while you sleep. There are have in fact been MANY threads where the Op was quite upset because they'd been raped while sleeping by their partner. They are usually advised to go to the police. NOT DREAMY. Rape.

People like you make it harder for women like them to go to the police.

[MsOliphant]

Putting aside that you've spectacularly missed the point of the thread, Sugar, groping intimate areas whilst driving suggests a pretty cavalier attitude towards yours and other road user's safety, so pretty shitty all round.

[riiiiight]

I want to know how often with 6 kids, sugar is in a car alone with her husband. I have three and it almost never happens. Have you just stuck a carrboard box up or what?

[CantankerousCamel]

Ewwwww

Mind you with six kids maybe you have to shag in front of them? I have to shit in front of mine!

[ConciseandNice]

I actually think the above is at best just someone who has no empathy or understanding that this is not ok. At worst a complete moron. Literally someone who just is not very clever. At all. Sure, it may be lush and dreamy for them but they should acknowledge that for most and on a very literal level sex with someone who has not consented is rape. Also you don’t need permission from a partner? Fucking hell.

[SandyY2K]

I agree with what you're saying. I'm often amazed when a couple havent had sex for years ...then seem suprised when their OH has an affair...having given them the knock back constantly till they stopped bothering.

Worse case ive heard of was 11 years of no sex and he cheated and left her for the OW. He was waiting till his DD was older to leave, but got busted before that.

She thought they were happy and of course layed into the OW.

[JacquesHammer]

But do you ask permission of you fancy playing with your partner's penis? I quite often spontaneously grab my partner's. If he's in the bath I might slip my hand in, or if we're in the car I'll have a grope. I've never asked permission??? I don't get it. Surely you're comfortable around your apparent life partner

This sort of faux naivete is exceedling tiresome especially on a thread where the content is sensitive for some people.

[SandyY2K]

Mummyschnauzer

I know a similar situation where a friend said his wife never wanted sex. Their DC had left home, but he didn't want to lose half his assets.

As of that time he'd had 4 affairs and lots of happy ending massages. I never knew what a happy ending was in that context before then.

He was absolutely super careful not to get caught and was very tech savvy. I was suprised about the techniques he used to keep it under wraps.

He was deeply in love with one OW (6 year affair) and they nearly left their respective marriages, but felt it would destroy too many people...kids included.

Branleuse

i think its unrealistic and even cruel to not have any intention of having sex with your partner again, and yet still expecting a monogamous relationship with them.

I agree.

[JacquesHammer]

Their DC had left home, but he didn't want to lose half his assets

So basically he wanted to have his cake and eat it?

He could have easily chosen to have end the marriage.

[fruitshot]

When you are in a new relationship, the adrenaline pumps and you have sex more than say perhaps 3/4 years down the line.
If you are still having regular sex, then I think this is because you are sexually compatible, but the 'honeymoon period' often masks this, and before you know it, a few years have passed and you realise you aren't, but you are in other areas so try and mask it.
This is when you either have to communicate, or realise that you are different sexually and decide if it can be worked on, or you have to move on.

[SandyY2K]

This sort of faux naivete is exceedling tiresome especially on a thread where the content is sensitive for some people

It's a public forum where you'll get a vast range of views and opinions, with their own experiences.

It would be a very boring world if we all had the same views.

Some issues are sensitive, but that's life. If it's triggering, then people are best withdrawing from the discussion and moving on to another thread.

It's that simple.

[MrsLettuce]

Of course there are couples who give one another ongoing, explicit consent for sleep sex and other sexual stuff that would otherwise be non consensual. That is absolutely not what this thread is about.

[riiiiight]

It would be a very boring world if we all had the same views. Some issues are sensitive, but that's life. If it's triggering, then people are best withdrawing from the discussion and moving on to another thread.



PP was advocating men do something that meets all the legal requirements to be called rape. And said partners can't sexually assault each other.

What other forms of domestic violence would you say are "differences of opinions"?

[riiiiight]

I assume you hadn't seen their other three deleted posts in which case it's best to not comment on a snippet that has been quoted as you miss the context it makes you look like one of those faux naive types Jacques was mentioning. .

[JacquesHammer]

It's a public forum where you'll get a vast range of views and opinions, with their own experiences.

You’ve missed the point totally

[goingonabearhunt1]

Just wanted to say that some women (and maybe men too?) have issues with pain during sex that are not necessarily connected to birth. And are not always very fixable. It's a topic people do not talk about as far as I can see. I think people are ashamed because our society basically tells us that everything is having regular sex and loving it and if you aren't there must be something wrong with you.

[Branleuse]

Well if you arent having sex thats all well and good as long as everybody is ok with that.
Its quite a basic desire for most people to want intimacy. I think the obsession with monogamy at all costs, despite it meaning that somebody could be absolutely miserable about their enforced celibacy, is not always a good thing.

[SandyY2K]

I was specifically referencing the person who mentioned not seeking permission to grab/touch her partner's penis, which is what was quoted.

My DH would not feel attacked or assaulted if I did this. He'd be quite pleased...so in this specific example... there is not one blanket rule.

I was not taking about having sex without consent.

[JacquesHammer]

I was specifically referencing the person who mentioned not seeking permission to grab/touch her partner's penis, which is what was quoted

That WAS the faux naïveté

She was bringing up examples to support her assertion that non-consensual sex was acceptable with the “oh don’t people understand THIS”.