To think you can’t have it both ways regarding sex?

[GinDaddy]

(Before anyone starts with the obvious gag, I don’t mean sexual practices...)

A few friends of mine (M and F) were this weekend chatting about loss of sexual interest in a long term partner, and what causes this to happen.

It made me think of numerous convos and threads both on MN and elsewhere where people have said “I can’t stand the idea of sex anymore, I’d much rather watch a box set and have a biscuit” etc, or “Who wants all that huffing and puffing, I won’t let DH anyway near me” etc

Yet there are also plenty of threads and common discussions out there bemoaning and slating people (often men) for moving on from a long term relationship due to a lack of physical love or sex.

AIBU to think the two are connected?

Am I being unreasonable to wonder whether the people who prefer to have a biscuit, cuppa and soap, are also unrealistic to that their partner may want exactly the same? And therefore don’t really have the right to sound off in a blinkered fashion if the inevitable happens?

Relationship betrayal and cheating is wrong. 100%. However if someone basically says “I’m done with physical love, and I’m not going to ask you whether you feel the same”, AIBU to think this places some relationships into potential risk?

**Disclaimer:

1. This clearly does not apply to couples where one partner has suffered serious mental or physical illness. Or where both have tacitly or otherwise agreed to a non-physical relationship

2. I understand raising children can be a huge contributing factor to loss of desire for some, but that’s not for everyone

3. this is not my situation, so I’m not going to either add personal anecdote or take personal abuse

Oh 4years that is truly shit . I dunno if they’re any good (as I’ve listened to the prolapse ones), but I think there are a couple of episodes of Lori Forner’s Pelvic Health Podcast that deal with pelvic/genital pain. Maybe some helpful ideas there.

Agree with camel and others that PIV is great for feeling connected and close, which is why I’m finding it so hard that it’s dissatisfying for me when previously I’d loved it.

Thank you @Verbena87 I'll check them out

I divorced my ex wife because she didn't want to have sex. In the last couple of years she wouldn't even kiss me and we had sex once a year. She wouldn't go to a doctor, a therapist, and never showed any interest on adressing the lack of sex in our marriage. I expressed how hard it was for me not to have sex with her and that i didn't think i'd be able to live without physical intimacy forever. She'd say she was tired and that was it. It took me a few years to finally ask for the divorce and when i did ask she acused me of having an affair, which i never did. I would never put myself through something like that again.

Don't know why you are asking OP. Why the interest in other people's relationships?
Crack on with your own.

@Monty27

So we can only ask questions about things we have directly experienced?

We can never look into the future and mentally prepare ourselves for potential eventualities, but instead crash headlong into things and then jump on MN as we have the right to discuss once experienced?

Sorry if this thread touched a nerve with you somehow, but I am cracking on with my relationship, I just believe I have the right to discuss all subjects

HTH

We can never look into the future and mentally prepare ourselves for potential eventualities, but instead crash headlong into things and then jump on MN as we have the right to discuss once experienced? hmm

Why would you "prepare" for your wife deciding not to want sex with you? Do you need permission lined up to fuck off if she starts saying no?

Keep your hair on OP. Yes you are right. I had a 13 relationship of no intimacy. It was a lonely time.
If everyone's happy with that for sure it's good. But I wasn't. Just saying like.

I wouldn't recommend men wake up a woman with their dicks inside her- especially if she isn't currently interested in intercourse. That would be rape.

Oh blimey sugarisamazing I am genuinely pleased you have a great sex life but you really think that advice is helpful?? That if your sex drive is low that using a different orifice will make all the difference, or if you feel turned off by your husband that finding him fucking you while you are asleep isn't going to be rape, or that lots of us have kids who wake as soon as our eyelashes twitch and oddly can't get into sextet while the baby is screaming?

My husband has no interest in fucking me while I’m unconscious. Something I am grateful for

Amen to that camel! I also enjoy being married to someone who isn’t a rapist.

sugarisamazing great that you have a sex life that you love but your advice is woefully inadequate for those of us who are lacking sex because of physical or emotional damage. Hope for your sake that if you have children, you have either non-traumatic births without injuries or you and your partner are able to shift your expectations to support your recovery.

"I am sure that in the days when the woman was a virgin or both were virgins, the situation you describe was incredibly common. Women knew nothing about sex and were conditioned to think it was 'dirty'. That can't have been a recipe for sexual happiness for either partner."

lightonthewater - there was a very interesting radio programme on what life was like before the sexual revolution. Plenty of the people on it had these kinds of problems early on in their marriages, but only a minority had them for a long time, most were able to get things to improve. There were lots of other very interesting insights in the programme as well, one was the importance of hygiene (probably because in those days people didn't usually have showers in the home).

i think its unrealistic and even cruel to not have any intention of having sex with your partner again, and yet still expecting a monogamous relationship with them. I think if my partner went off sex with me, we would need to renegotiate the relationship and I think its the same vice versa

@Verbena87 I have six children

Sugar

I have three children and grew a fourth, I believe myself to be quite fortunate in not having any vaginal based injury to contend with. Yes I do have other issues (bad hip problems etc) but thankfully nothing that affects my sex life too much.

But birth injuries are common and not to be treated as irrelevant. Especially in a conversation like this

That't not what verbena asked. She said she hopes if you have children you haven't suffered birth injuries. WHich you clearly haven't or you wouldn't be calling it "lush" and advocating men wake up their wives with painful rape sex.

Not sure why either of us need to ask "permission" anyway, as we're partners.

Sorry but you are an idiot. Rape is still perfectly possible between partners. I'm glad it is "dreamy" for you (how old are you??) but if someone has made it clear they don't want sex, they certainly don't want "surprise" sex either while sleeping. Please stop.

All I'm suggesting is that if you don't always feel like it once you start you get into it and enjoy it.

Please stop suggesting men put their penises inside women who don't want it. Please just stop.

I am 38. And I said "dreamily" as in when you think something is in a dream but it's real.

For anyone reading Sugar's posts it is, in fact, illegal to have sex with your partner if they don't consent or to have sex with them while they sleep.

This is rape. And you will go to jail.

This poster is either trolling or not very bright.

If you have a relationship where you both are happy to do this then fine, whatever floats your boat but we are specifically discussing situations where one partner does not want sex. Several posters are saying sex is physically painful. Do not take this advice unless you too want to enjoy "surprise" sex in prison.

Sugar, if you told your partner that you didn't want sex and then he did it in your sleep anyway, you would not find it "dreamy".

@SugarIsAmazing you’re saying partners can’t rape or sexually assault each other?

Honestly if I woke up to my DP having sex with me I’d punch him in the throat.