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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to believe my husband (kiss)

203 replies

IloveGandT · 04/08/2018 18:18

Hi everyone,
I think there will be a bit of a divide in terms of reactions on this thread but I really want to know what everyone thinks.
My husband went out last night for a few drinks with some of the guys from his work. They went round a few pubs in a town not far from ours and also went round a couple of clubs.
I went to bed at around 1am because he never normally comes home much before 4/5am on a night out so I didn't stay up to wait for him.
I messaged him when I got into bed telling him to stay safe and that I love him and that I was going to sleep. About a minute later, I had a message that simply said 'I'm so sorry but I've kissed someone tonight. I'm coming home'
He got home and I was very upset but he insists that the woman came up to him and kissed him and he kissed back but then pulled away.
He's never done anything like this before although he's a very flirty person and he's popular with women.
AIBU to accept it as just a harmless mistake?
I don't want to throw away an otherwise happy marriage Sad

OP posts:
downinthejunglee · 05/08/2018 02:11

@KickAssAngel Jesus calm down

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/08/2018 02:21

Actually , kickass makes valid points esp ask others about his behaviour

NynaeveSedai · 05/08/2018 02:22

Your marriage is a mess. He's controlling, aggressive and paranoid, and he regularly goes out clubbing until 4/5am and has twice recently (that you know of) kissed other women.
Please take stock and have a good hard look at your life!

Skittlesandbeer · 05/08/2018 02:25

Well, what are you going to do next time he texts ‘planning a lads night out, next thurs suit you?’

I’d need big changes made. Is he going out with mainly single players? Then no, sorry. Is he planning to stay out until dawn and drink heavily? Nope from me. Is he going to the same places these incidents have occurred? Nuh ah.

Big changes. Clearly these lads nights are ruining his marriage. He’ll have to decide which is more important to him, won’t he? Time for a new hobby, new mates and a new Big Boy attitude to women. The one he made commitments to, and the random ones on dancefloors.

tildaMa · 05/08/2018 03:24

Is he going out with mainly single players?
Clearly these lads nights are ruining his marriage.

If anything, it's him ruining his marriage. His single friends are, by definition, not married. He's the married guy and an adult who should be able to control himself.

Kerrylou92 · 05/08/2018 08:06

This confirms my last comment.
He wouldn't of come home or told you or even text you if you didn't first!

Please, please don't have a baby with this man. At least not until he sorted his issues out!
Marriage doesn't mean 1 rule for you and an other for me!

He sounds like a man child. Who excepts you to just accept his behaviour but if even look at a other man he gets all controlling and upset.

I'm also guessing that he doesn't make you feel good about yourself a lot of the time right ?

Storm4star · 05/08/2018 08:37

Well it turns out the kiss is definitely not the biggest issue in your relationship. And I agree with pps, the constant cheating accusations are projection. He knows he cheats so he expects you are doing the same. I think your friends are advising you to end it for a myriad of reasons, not just this one kiss. I agree with a pp, big changes need to be made if this marriage is going to last.

AnyFucker · 05/08/2018 08:49

This is not a trustworthy man nor is it a functional marriage

keepingbees · 05/08/2018 09:10

If it was all so innocent and nothing then why did he feel the need to rush home?
He sounds massively controlling, do you want to be accused of cheating daily for the rest of your life?

pilates · 05/08/2018 09:10

This relationship does not sound solid enough to be introducing children to. What anyfucker said.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 05/08/2018 09:18

This is not a trustworthy man nor is it a functional marriage This. FGS don't have a child with him.

Doctorwhosit · 05/08/2018 09:36

After reading updates, I really don’t feel this is the key nd if telationship that is good for either of you. He is clearly not ready to settle down and you aren’t ready to be strong enough and self determined enough to protect a defenceless child.

Sweetcarrielynne · 05/08/2018 09:38

I would end my marriage over this - as he wasn't the instigator, he told you right away and he came straight home - but I would be hurt and I would want to talk about how to make sure it didn't happen again.

Botanicbaby · 05/08/2018 10:12

Great to read the comments blaming other women for his shitty behaviour. Are we really that conditioned to still be doing this?

As for making him the designated driver or setting up a honey trap? Please tell me this is a joke! He’s not worth the bloody head space, time or effort this would entail. Asking him to be the driver is not going to solve this.

He sounds untrustworthy and sorry OP I think you’ve got a wrong ‘un there. He’s no catch.

anothernameagain000 · 05/08/2018 10:34

Based on your updates - your “d”h didn’t tell you this as he felt guilty - he did it to”put you in your place for supposedly flirting with the gas man. Blatantly EA

anothernameagain000 · 05/08/2018 10:36

Who comes home telling their wife that they “nearly kissed someone” (he previous time). Why would you do tjat. He’s telling you these stories to make you feel shit.

AnyFucker · 05/08/2018 11:02

Ist rule of misogyny:

Blame women for men's behaviour

ImAIdoot · 05/08/2018 11:08

Ah, entitled jealousy.

Having read subsequent updates let me tell you something you won't want to hear:

People with trust deficits/ego surpluses, ie: entitled jealousy do sometimes cheat in response to lesser perceived transgressions like "flirting"

Some of these people then become serial cheaters because the feeling of an advantage abates their entitled jealousy for a time, allowing them to conceal their less acceptable personality traits.

Now I'm not saying DH is like this, and I'm not judging people with disordered personalities either, but entitled jealousy is double the reason to require that he does not do the "diabetic in a cream bun shop" thing any more.

lanbury · 05/08/2018 11:08

He didn't have to tell you. He could have just kept quiet and you'd be none the wiser. The fact he did says you're the one he cares about. The kiss was meaningless. I'd give him slack personally.

ImAIdoot · 05/08/2018 11:12

I fully agree with others here that he may jave just said it to punish you for "fancying the boiler man", but people make rhe mistake of thinking it isn't likely to manifesting itself in real actions too.

A person who feels "wronged" because of entitled jealousy, off out in a situation with drink and easy access to cheating is primed perfectly for cheating, even if they (initially) regret it afterwards.

Barbaro · 05/08/2018 11:20

Kick him out. You deserbe far better.

He accuses you of cheating every day. He kisses other women. He dances clearly very closely with other women, to be able to initiate the kissing. He's controlling. He's a liar.

He's done more with these women, or at least initiated the kissing. He's using the excuse of being cheated on to accuse you of it. My partner has been cheated on by 2 of his previous partners, yet never accused me of cheating.

You deserve far better than him. Even if he's telling the truth, which is so unlikely, he isn't worth the hassle. Kick him out.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/08/2018 11:26

My only question really is why would he not wait to tell you face to face, so he could see you, hold you, reassure you? Why send such a devastating text?

I've seen that he's 28 but that's no excuse. He must have known how upset you'd be. Regardless of the rights/wrongs/accuracy, he's a bit of a coward keeping himself out of harm's way whilst you digest and come to terms with it.

Watda · 05/08/2018 11:27

No I’m sorry I would not be happy with this. I also don’t think it is acceptable to be dancing in a club with other women if that dancing is grinding and touching dancing. If this makes me controlling then I’m ok with that label. 🤔

Also, why is he kissing her back? If he is going out and getting himself into such a state and behaving in such a way that things are having a negative impact on his relationship then you both need to address that.

mineisarossini · 05/08/2018 11:32

The kiss is the least of your problems op, he is acting and behaving like a single man. Getting drunk, clubbing, kissing women. He is bad news.
Not even the boldest friends of mine would kiss a man that was not showing interest, the most likely scenario was he was dancing with her etc.

This is no basis for marriage and definitely not children.

He would divorce you if you kissed someone else, but doesn’t expect you to reciprocate?

It sounds like an unequal marriage, based on lies and jealousy and I wonder why you are still with him?

You have an opportunity to walk away now, if you don’t then I imagine there is a lot more heartbreak on its way. What is to stop him next time if you forgive him?
Trust is everything and he is consistently compromising your marriage by putting himself in dangerous situations, so how much does he value being married to you?

Sorry you are going through this, you sound like a really nice person.

BastardGoDarkly · 05/08/2018 11:33

What a coincidence that his revelation came straight after your text! ?

He was seen, shit himself, got your text and went into damage limitation mode

I wouldn't trust this man as far as I could throw him op.