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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to believe my husband (kiss)

203 replies

IloveGandT · 04/08/2018 18:18

Hi everyone,
I think there will be a bit of a divide in terms of reactions on this thread but I really want to know what everyone thinks.
My husband went out last night for a few drinks with some of the guys from his work. They went round a few pubs in a town not far from ours and also went round a couple of clubs.
I went to bed at around 1am because he never normally comes home much before 4/5am on a night out so I didn't stay up to wait for him.
I messaged him when I got into bed telling him to stay safe and that I love him and that I was going to sleep. About a minute later, I had a message that simply said 'I'm so sorry but I've kissed someone tonight. I'm coming home'
He got home and I was very upset but he insists that the woman came up to him and kissed him and he kissed back but then pulled away.
He's never done anything like this before although he's a very flirty person and he's popular with women.
AIBU to accept it as just a harmless mistake?
I don't want to throw away an otherwise happy marriage Sad

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/08/2018 19:39

is that advice for our daughters?kiss back dear,don’t want to appear rude

charliebear78 · 04/08/2018 19:42

Nobody really knows what went on other than those involved....Sure he can tell you he pulled away and didn't want it to happen-but the fact remains he was out in a Club dancing with women/a woman(Which he probably does everytime he is out until 4/5am.
That is not behaviour I would put up with, and truthfully you don't know if he kissed her and more(and neither do we!) Or if on all those other occasions he's out until early morning he's not gone home with a woman!
I am a cynical Bitch though-but life and bad Partners made me this way lol
He needs to perhaps come home after the pubs instead of going to Clubs and acting like a single guy.

1forAll74 · 04/08/2018 19:42

It wouldn't bother me at all, just a men's night out,and a long night out it seems,so, a fair amount of booze I expect,so these things will happen at times. Not the greatest problem in the world !!

Happygoldfinch · 04/08/2018 19:43

Oh, for goodness sake, @lipstickhandbagcoffee, of course not. But things aren't always as black and white as people would like. Sometimes we have to do things we don't particularly want to to extricate ourselves from situations we've got ourselves into as peacefully as possible. Which is what might explain OP's husband's kiss back.

Original poster
IloveGandT · 04/08/2018 19:45

Bananasinpyjamas11
He doesn't go out very often- only for friends' birthdays and stag dos and suchlike.
Our relationship other than this is great although he's paranoid about me cheating and he brings it up almost every day. I've never cheated though!

OP posts:
Freshfeelings · 04/08/2018 19:46

I think I believe him. But I do think he needs to look at the behaviour that lead up to this as getting very drunk and dancing with strange women is something that single guys do. He was quite probably enjoying the attention and flirting but panicked when it went as far as a kiss.

It's a pity you've told your friends and family though - they're always going to see him through this particular lens now.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/08/2018 19:47

Oh for goodness sake read my responses to op,it’s no biggie that he kissed a woman
I’m actually more aghast at this strangled notion of manners and kissing back to not be rude

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 04/08/2018 19:47

Hang on, what’s all this dancing with unknown women? You OK with that? Because I certainly wouldn’t be. That is the behaviour of a single man. I’m not saying he’s up to no good, but he’s straying into territory where it would be easy to.

Freshfeelings · 04/08/2018 19:48

Our relationship other than this is great although he's paranoid about me cheating and he brings it up almost every day.

Oh gosh, I don't think I do believe him then. People who are like this are usually cheaters themselves. Also, your relationship is not 'great' - this level of distrust and possessiveness is NOT normal.

Bluetrews25 · 04/08/2018 19:52

Well known script of cheaters is to accuse the partner of cheating to deflect attention.
I felt it was reasonably likely to be innocent until you said that, OP. Oh dear.

Original poster
IloveGandT · 04/08/2018 19:53

Really?! Oh god

OP posts:
MarthaArthur · 04/08/2018 19:55

Hang on, what’s all this dancing with unknown women? You OK with that? Because I certainly wouldn’t be. That is the behaviour of a single man.

Jesus what a smothering relationship you must have. People saying a grown man can dance with strangers or come home at 5am.

JennieLee · 04/08/2018 19:58

Well I go to lindy hop classes and socials and am constantly dancing with other blokes...

Notevilstepmother · 04/08/2018 20:00

he's paranoid about me cheating and he brings it up almost every day. I've never cheated though

I was thinking it’s no big deal until this big red flag.

I have to wonder now why your friends and family don’t think you should stay together either. Talk to your trusted friends and ask them to be honest.

13Crows · 04/08/2018 20:04

Me too.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/08/2018 20:04

Our relationship other than this is great although he's paranoid about me cheating and he brings it up almost every day. I've never cheated though!
That’s. A game changer. You don’t have a great relationship.hes a suspicious with no cause

ImAIdoot · 04/08/2018 20:04

I've had to pull away from kisses a few times, sometimes if someone lunges at you it's happened before you even realise it, and it's one of those things where it can take a second to get your head together.

I would be happy he told you and felt bad, but I would also use this guilt not for recriminations, but to say "I think it's time you stopped putting yourself in the way of situations where this is a temptation, I want a change now, this is the red fucking line reached and we turn back from it"

I can almost promise you that if he is in a place where this happens and he feels guilty afterwards but is going to keep on doing the same things, there will be sex with someone else further down the line on the same basis If that's not a thing already. Trust him but nip it in the bud, shut that shit down.

MissP103 · 04/08/2018 20:05

He sounds worse and worse with each of your updates. So who are all these women dying to kiss him but lucky for you he manages to pull away. Oh please, from what you've described I can imagine exactly the type of man he is. Besides he is a married man, what is he doing dancing with random women?? Come on you cant be that naive to believe all of this.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/08/2018 20:06

shut that shit down that’s a great life maxim
I’d like that in boxlights better than all that twee love,laugh anodyne comments

3boys3dogshelp · 04/08/2018 20:09

I’ve not read the full thread but my OH did this about 20 years ago - kissed back, then pulled away, told me straight away and was upset it had happened. 20 years later we are very happily married with kids and he has never ever done it again. Don’t end a happy marriage because people on the internet told you to.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 04/08/2018 20:12

Our relationship other than this is great although he's paranoid about me cheating and he brings it up almost every day. I've never cheated though!
Oh dear, that right there is projection & puts a whole new spin on things...

OctaviaOctober · 04/08/2018 20:17

Either he's David Gandy (insert favourite gorgeous man here) or there's an issue with his flirty behaviour that's making random women kiss him.

No I don't think it's unusual. People go to these places to drink and to cop off with someone.

I go to lindy hop classes and socials and am constantly dancing with other blokes

I don't know what the lindy hop is but I imagine it's not as grindy and handsy as dancing in a nightclub? I went clubbing a lot from the age of 18-25 and most of them are sweaty gropy meatmarkets that my friends and I lost interest in once we were all in steady relationships.

I expect he's telling the truth, and there's no reason to be devastated, but why does he go out with these men and not invite you?

Original poster
IloveGandT · 04/08/2018 20:18

He's always found it hard to trust me and he blames it on the fact that he was cheated on by an ex girlfriend

OP posts:
OctaviaOctober · 04/08/2018 20:20

Our relationship other than this is great although he's paranoid about me cheating and he brings it up almost every day. I've never cheated though!

Ah. Was he cheated on in the past? No-one can say for sure but it's very common for cheats to be paranoid that their partners will do the same.

Don't let him get away with that again. He is the one out getting snogged while you're sleeping at home!

OctaviaOctober · 04/08/2018 20:20

He's always found it hard to trust me and he blames it on the fact that he was cheated on by an ex girlfriend

Well it's time he got over it. He's punishing you for what someone else did. Would he think that fair if you did it to him?