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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to believe my husband (kiss)

203 replies

IloveGandT · 04/08/2018 18:18

Hi everyone,
I think there will be a bit of a divide in terms of reactions on this thread but I really want to know what everyone thinks.
My husband went out last night for a few drinks with some of the guys from his work. They went round a few pubs in a town not far from ours and also went round a couple of clubs.
I went to bed at around 1am because he never normally comes home much before 4/5am on a night out so I didn't stay up to wait for him.
I messaged him when I got into bed telling him to stay safe and that I love him and that I was going to sleep. About a minute later, I had a message that simply said 'I'm so sorry but I've kissed someone tonight. I'm coming home'
He got home and I was very upset but he insists that the woman came up to him and kissed him and he kissed back but then pulled away.
He's never done anything like this before although he's a very flirty person and he's popular with women.
AIBU to accept it as just a harmless mistake?
I don't want to throw away an otherwise happy marriage Sad

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 04/08/2018 20:58

He doesn’t sound at all trustworthy.

He may have told you what happened on this specific occasion because there was a high risk of you finding out, eg a mutual friend being in the club.

His suspicion towards you is a red flag that he cheats or doesn’t trust himself not to.

Crunchymum · 04/08/2018 20:58

I didn't even see the post about the daily cheating conversations..how exhausting.... And boring....And yes cheaters do like to fling accusations about

Loopytiles · 04/08/2018 21:00

Also, him bringing up DAILY the prospect of you cheating seems emotionally abusive.

safetyfreak · 04/08/2018 21:02

Oh he is also projecting by constantly accusing you of cheating. He is paranoid and insecure due to his bad behaviour. Sorry OP, but more I read the more it looks bad.

I would be checking his phone etc, but thats just me :0

Gojira · 04/08/2018 21:02

Nah I'm not buying this.

Women generally don't go from dancing to kissing unless there is some reciprocal flirting going on.

I ant believe that she just went up to him and planted a smacked on his lips with no encouragement.

I also think he was seen by someone you know hence the admission.

I doubt this is the first time it's happened.

Original poster
IloveGandT · 04/08/2018 21:03

This is one example of cheating references.
We had a man round the other day to fix our boiler and my husband said to me 'I saw you looking at the boiler man!' i told him he was being ridiculous and that looking at a man does not mean I want to cheat! He then replied with 'good. Because if you cheat on me with him, I'm going to beat him up'

OP posts:
Original poster
IloveGandT · 04/08/2018 21:04

It's not always as threatening as that but that's the most extreme example

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 04/08/2018 21:06

Why would you even be considering ttc with someone so jealous / controlling and who threatens violence?

Gojira · 04/08/2018 21:07

Urgh, the more you say, the more twat like he is becoming.

So, he would leave you, if you kissed someone else? Fuck it, give him a taste of his own medicine then.

GandTthankyou · 04/08/2018 21:10

Projecting!

Bobbybear10 · 04/08/2018 21:12

Oh dear!

I was a bit uneasy to begin with as it really did sound like something more than a kiss (or maybe a very x rated kiss) happened and he was worried his friends or someone you know might tell you what they saw and this was his damage limitation.

You then said this ‘Our relationship other than this is great although he's paranoid about me cheating and he brings it up almost every day. I've never cheated though!’
And I’m 100% sure he has cheated, HUGE red flag.

I’m sorry op I think you should do some me checking.

haribosmarties · 04/08/2018 21:13

YANBU id be pissed off but no I wouldnt end my marriage over that.... unless it was something that he kept doing/happening

RoseTinted1 · 04/08/2018 21:17

Wow. Your updates aren't great OP.
Sorry but I think you need to take a step back and seriously evaluate everything together instead of separating it into individual incidents.
It doesn't sound good.

Tbh I would find trust a huge personal issue if I'd been cheated on before, but surely that would be something he'd have worked through before getting married?!

Fabadabadoo · 04/08/2018 21:33

There are an extraordinary number of people here who think married men snogging other women is ok- what is wrong with them?!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 04/08/2018 21:38

I think 9 out of 10 men wouldn't have even mentioned it. Or felt bad. I think you've got a good 'un, lots of people make mistakes, it's how you deal with it that matters. That doesn't mean you haven't got the right to feel hurt or need some assurances about next time

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 04/08/2018 21:40

Oops I added my message before reading the rest of the messages...accusations are often pot and kettle situations

madja · 04/08/2018 21:41

I'm wondering if your friends know more about this than you do. Could they have heard rumours, hence them being so eager for you to leave him?
I think the chances he is innocent in all this are slim to none, OP. Especially when you mention he accuses you of cheating or being interested in other men. It sounds like classic projection to me.
SorryFlowers

areyouactuallykidding · 04/08/2018 21:46

I’d say he’s a bit weird for telling you. He got drunk, someone tried to kiss him, he told them no. So what.

Everyone needs to chill out. But he shouldn’t have told you he’s a dick for that

Why’s he coming home at 5am regularly though?

Fabadabadoo · 04/08/2018 21:51

I’d say he’s a bit weird for telling you.

What kind of marriage do you want to be in, areyouactuallykidding - one in which your husband kisses other women behind your back, but it's just so cool and normal that he doesn't even mention it?!

Mumsnet is a strange place sometimes.

GabsAlot · 04/08/2018 23:10

hes projecting and weird

hed leave u if u done the same and accuses u of fancying the boiler man

jay55 · 04/08/2018 23:15

So he can go out clubbing acting like he’s single but you can’t interact with a workman in your home?

KickAssAngel · 05/08/2018 01:03

We don't have children at the moment but we're open to the idea so aren't taking precautions. Think I'll wait a while before TTC now....

IF YOU AREN'T USING PRECAUTIONS YOU ARE GETTING PREGNANT

Sorry to be so loud - but NO precautions = pregnancy.

HE's controlling, threatening, irresponsible & cheats.
Yeah, go ahead, have his kid. See how long before he doesn't like the broken sleep & smelly nappies so he feels too tied down & gets up to even more.

Ask some friends to be brutally honest and tell you every rumour they know about him. I suspect there's a lot more to this.

esk1mo · 05/08/2018 01:13

i reckon he spent the night kissing and dancing with her, basically acting single but was spotted by someone you both know and its trying to damage control.

he clearly cant handle his alcohol.

downinthejunglee · 05/08/2018 01:45

He told you straight away and came home. These hint towards an honest mistake where he genuinely feels bad

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 05/08/2018 01:49

a recent mn thread,woman drunkenly kissed a man,she wanted to disclose
The consensus was, no don’t split up over drunken poor judgment