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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to believe my husband (kiss)

203 replies

IloveGandT · 04/08/2018 18:18

Hi everyone,
I think there will be a bit of a divide in terms of reactions on this thread but I really want to know what everyone thinks.
My husband went out last night for a few drinks with some of the guys from his work. They went round a few pubs in a town not far from ours and also went round a couple of clubs.
I went to bed at around 1am because he never normally comes home much before 4/5am on a night out so I didn't stay up to wait for him.
I messaged him when I got into bed telling him to stay safe and that I love him and that I was going to sleep. About a minute later, I had a message that simply said 'I'm so sorry but I've kissed someone tonight. I'm coming home'
He got home and I was very upset but he insists that the woman came up to him and kissed him and he kissed back but then pulled away.
He's never done anything like this before although he's a very flirty person and he's popular with women.
AIBU to accept it as just a harmless mistake?
I don't want to throw away an otherwise happy marriage Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
IloveGandT · 04/08/2018 19:06

Designated driver is a good suggestion!
Gabilan- My husband is 28

OP posts:
Noooooooooo · 04/08/2018 19:08

BoneyBackJefferson

Odfod. These "innocent" women aren't married to the OP.

Notagainmun · 04/08/2018 19:09

I would not end it either but I would expect him to stop flirting and drinking to the point where he can't tell a woman is close enough to kiss him. He needs to grovel like mad and realise he is now on a last chance.

Happygoldfinch · 04/08/2018 19:09

I've known some absolute top-rate bitches in my past who would reduce risking a kiss with a married man to a giggle-fest so that they could enter it into their, "OMFG, I didn't" gossip bank. Some women thrive on the conversational drama of their drunken exploits because they have fuck-all that's positive from their own mediocre lives to chat about. Also, maybe he kissed back because he didn't want to be rude. That being said, I'd probably stalk him the next time he went out...

SuperSuperSuper · 04/08/2018 19:11

My concern is that he's told you because he's worried that someone (a gobby friend or an acquaintance of yours who happened to be in the club) might have seen something.

Regardless, have a serious conversation about flirting and boundaries.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/08/2018 19:11

Realistically I wouldn't give him too much credit for telling you. Firstly; it's the decent thing to do, but secondly - it was in a club surrounded by his friends and god knows who else; so fairly high risk that you'd find out.

The kiss itself probably wouldn't overly bother me but the fact that his nights out culminate in him dancing with random women in such a way that they think they can kiss him would be.

Doctorwhosit · 04/08/2018 19:13

I think it’s quite sweet he was so upset and texted you about it and came straight home. I’d have the ‘what will you do to avoid this next time’ talk and then forgive him with a very good kiss of your own.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/08/2018 19:13

Also, maybe he kissed back because he didn't want to be rude that's the most stupid thing I’ve read on mn
I have accepted an incorrect beverage because I didn’t want to be rude
Reciprocating a kiss to not be rude isn’t an etiquette issue it really isn’t

Magicstar1 · 04/08/2018 19:13

It can happen out of the blue. A woman came over to my husband, plonked down on his lap saying “it’s your birthday” and dived in for a snog. He pulled away straight away and she was disgusted.
I know it happened exactly like that as I was sitting a few feet away. There’s actually a brilliant photo someone took at that exact moment..DH looks shocked and all other faces are turned to look at me.
Your DH could have been caught unawares and not reacted quickly enough. He must sort out his drinking and flirting though.

bubbles108 · 04/08/2018 19:14

He sounds sleazy, immature and a bit of an arrogant twit.

The kiss itself wouldn't bother me. The rest (above) isn't someone I'd want to be in a relationship with

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 04/08/2018 19:14

Yes serious conversation needed about boundaries and inappropriate behaviour needed - one random snog could be an accident, two looks like carelessness. And make him sweat a bit. He's 28 not 15.

itsbetterwithoutyou · 04/08/2018 19:14

I also don't understand what behaviour he must be exhibiting if he's had random women try to kiss him the last couple of times he's been out. If this were a one off then I wouldn't be suspicious

Don't blame him for his behaviour (unless he was outrageously leading them on).

This sort of behaviour (from the woman) went on in the past, only then it was men grabbing hold of women and groping them or trying to kiss them.

Original poster
IloveGandT · 04/08/2018 19:15

SuperSuperSuper- that could be a good point. I know some of his work friends fairly well as they often come over for dinner and we went to university with one of them!

OP posts:
Frouby · 04/08/2018 19:15

Your husband, if henis regularly out until 5am, takws drugs. If it were 15-20 years ago I would hazard a guess at pills/coke.

These days who knows.

If you are OK with that you need to be.ok with the intense, drug fuelled conversations that come with drugs. That often lead to snogs/kisses/whatever.

My guess is he has been seen by someone you know. And is on a damage limitation exercise.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/08/2018 19:16

I was on a work do,a hen party grabbed one of my male colleagues.kissed him
He simply pushed her off ,he wasn’t interested in least.
His dp was bemused as she was there too.

Notevilstepmother · 04/08/2018 19:19

Sounds like he needs to grow up a bit. Maybe I’m old fashioned but in my day married men went out dancing with their wives not random women. At 28 I’m not saying pipe and slippers but coming at 5am isn’t normal is it?

Happygoldfinch · 04/08/2018 19:27

@lipstickhandbagcoffee I have kissed back in the past because I didn't want to seem rude. Not a snog - not even a second - just not an immediate "fuck off". I felt sorry for the embarrassment that the other person was going to feel. Don't call what I said the stupidest thing you've read on Mumsnet - you come across as exactly the sort of knee-jerking, shallow-minded cliche that can make these threads tiresome.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/08/2018 19:29

Women find themselves in situations where men rub themselves up against them or are groped by men. If he didn’t ask for the woman to kiss him, how is having his boundaries invaded in this way so different very from what men do to women? I don’t understand why he’s accused of being a sleaze. Obviously I understand groping and rubbing up against women is different. However, I would have thought women are more likely to try to kiss a man and men are more likely to grope. It seems to me if he’s telling the truth, that would be double standards.

A man groping = sleaze. Imo YES
A man kissed against his will = sleaze. Imo NO

Monday55 · 04/08/2018 19:31

why are you telling friends and family your business...anyone who doesn't like him is going to tell you to leave him He was upfront and honest, you're fortunate !

Tess57 · 04/08/2018 19:32

Never normally comes home before 4/5am, i’d worry more about that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/08/2018 19:32

HappyGoldfinch
I have kissed back in the past because I didn’t want to seem rude.
Yes to this. So have I. Wouldn’t want to hurt the menz feelz. Obviously I look back in my 40’s and think wtf. Not so much so in my teens and early 20’s.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/08/2018 19:32

You kissed someone you didn’t want to,kiss to not be rude?
You have a very skewed sense of manners,to do something you don’t want to not appear rude

Also, maybe he kissed back because he didn't want to be rude And that remains the stupidest thing I’ve read on mn

KickAssAngel · 04/08/2018 19:34

If they were dancing with women, I suspect they were dancing pretty closely, in pairs.

I've never, ever danced with someone and just randomly kissed them. I HAVE danced close/slow dance then had a kiss.

Clearly he didn't want to kiss and came home, but I suspect he allowed a situation to develop where kissing was likely, and that's not OK. He can't behave in a way that encourages/allows strangers to think that he's there to meet someone and hook up if he genuinely wants to chat, dance and drink. He's married, he doesn't get to see if he can still 'pull' but then back off if it goes further than he thought.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 04/08/2018 19:37

I wouldn’t end my relationship over it. He told you straight away, didn’t initiate, pulled away. However he’d have to be showing a lot of remorse and telling how he let himself be in that situation in the first place.

Also, he’d have to treat me like a queen for a while!

Seriously though I’d keep an eye on him for a while. Does he go out late often? How is your relationship generally? Is this totally out of character?

Lovemusic33 · 04/08/2018 19:37

I have kissed back not to be rude too (on a night out when I was married).

OP, you know your dh better than we do. If he doesn’t have a history of doing these things then I would think he’s telling the truth, I would be a bit upset but a kiss is just a kiss, it meant nothing as he didn’t even know the woman and he’s not likely to ever see her again.