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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to believe my husband (kiss)

203 replies

IloveGandT · 04/08/2018 18:18

Hi everyone,
I think there will be a bit of a divide in terms of reactions on this thread but I really want to know what everyone thinks.
My husband went out last night for a few drinks with some of the guys from his work. They went round a few pubs in a town not far from ours and also went round a couple of clubs.
I went to bed at around 1am because he never normally comes home much before 4/5am on a night out so I didn't stay up to wait for him.
I messaged him when I got into bed telling him to stay safe and that I love him and that I was going to sleep. About a minute later, I had a message that simply said 'I'm so sorry but I've kissed someone tonight. I'm coming home'
He got home and I was very upset but he insists that the woman came up to him and kissed him and he kissed back but then pulled away.
He's never done anything like this before although he's a very flirty person and he's popular with women.
AIBU to accept it as just a harmless mistake?
I don't want to throw away an otherwise happy marriage Sad

OP posts:
AlphaBravo · 04/08/2018 18:39

The replies on this are just baffling. It was a 2 second kiss from a chancer not a snog down a back alley at 4am. God help your husbands Confused

Candlerow2018 · 04/08/2018 18:41

I wouldn't end a marriage over that. He was honest despite having no real need to be so, and that goes in his favour.

However, I think a serious conversation needs to be had about boundaries with women. Kisses don't generally come out of nowhere, nor do they usually come as a result of a bit of mild, friendly banter. If the woman felt the moment was right for a kiss she obvious believed she had received signals from your husband that he might respond favourably to her advances. To me, I would at least have to consider the fact that he was flirting with her and that flirting went beyond friendliness to potentially sexual flirting. It took him a moment to stop the kiss, but if it had truly come out of nowhere then surely it would have been easy to stop in it's tracks before it got started, and would have been a non-event, rather than something he felt guilty enough to tell you about.

As I say, he does seem to feel genuinely bad and the honesty is a great start so I don't think this should be a long-term issue for you both, however if I were in your place I would expect my DH to agree wholeheartedly to putting measures in place to stop similar scenarios occurring in future.

GlassSuppers · 04/08/2018 18:41

I'd be upset but wouldn't end it over this.
He's sorry and he came straight home, it could have ended a lot worse than this.
On the other hand, if it became a regular thing it would be different.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 04/08/2018 18:42

I think he should have kept this quiet, if it was genuinely a one off and a mistake he has only offloaded his guilt onto you to torture you. I would watch him closely and question him more about this to gauge if he's telling the truth or not.

Original poster
IloveGandT · 04/08/2018 18:42

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond.
Storm4star- that's exactly what I'm worried about. I can forgive this one time but I don't know how this can be prevented in the future unless he's so upset (which he is) that he gets put off from drinking so much next time.
I had to ask because my friends and parents are all very shocked and I know that some of my friends think I should leave him. I do know that's a very extreme reaction though

OP posts:
GandTthankyou · 04/08/2018 18:43

I wouldn’t trust him following this. Why do all these women want to kiss him? I mean what are his mates and him doing to encourage this?
Even if he looks like Tom Hardy people don’t just try and kiss you every time you go out.

Seems like he’s telling you there’s dodgy stuff happening but not everything. I agree with DCI someone saw and it wasn’t just a one off kiss.

Sorry if this seems harsh.

aaarrrggghhhh · 04/08/2018 18:43

Stupid mistake and he handled it well.

Teachtolive · 04/08/2018 18:44

he managed to pull away Managed? It's not like he managed to pull a person from a burning building, it's a kiss, not exactly difficult to dodge unless you can't see the person coming at you!

That said, he was up front with you and sounds contrite. I'd be talking things through very seriously about what lead up to these situations and working on him avoiding that (I.e. if drunkenness is the cause of it, he needs to knock the drink on the head for a bit). He'd want to be making it up in a big way too.

Storm4star · 04/08/2018 18:45

As I say, I don’t think you should end the marriage over it but I think you should say to him something along the lines of “so how are you going to make sure this doesn’t happen again” and not accept him saying “it just won’t” you need something concrete to reassure you.othewise it’s not fair on you that every time he goes out you’re going to be worried about what’s going on.

GorgonLondon · 04/08/2018 18:46

I would assume it's one of those times when someone tells a half-truth in order to assuage their guilty conscience.

MsHomeSlice · 04/08/2018 18:46

Married man acts like a Jack the Lad!

Is he often out, drunk and flirting with all and sundry or is he so irresistible the last twice he has been out some woman has moved in for the full on snogfest?

I am with DCITennison ....he was seen and is in a huge panic as to how long the true story is going to take to get back to you.

inlectorecumbit · 04/08/2018 18:47

One is almost understandable, twice... nope l wouldn't trust him an inch. Is is too easy to feign upset and he admitted the deed before someone else spilled the beans.
Probably he is upset that you are potentially going to find ou tmore

MarthaArthur · 04/08/2018 18:49

I dont see it as a big deal either. When your drunk you become extra confident. Confidence is sexy. Young women actual hit on my father its gross but it happens with confident men. He seems sorry and came home early. Let it go and stop worrying about the future.

Original poster
IloveGandT · 04/08/2018 18:49

I also don't understand what behaviour he must be exhibiting if he's had random women try to kiss him the last couple of times he's been out. If this were a one off then I wouldn't be suspicious

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 04/08/2018 18:49

Noooooooooo

or there's an issue with his flirty behaviour that's making random women kiss him.

Yes lets make these 'innocent' women the victim of the nasty man.

FFS

MarthaArthur · 04/08/2018 18:51

If he is anything like all the men I know a few drinks in they get confident and cocky. Dance with everyone like they are their best mate, have a laugh and a flirt and yes loads of them get kissed.

gamerchick · 04/08/2018 18:53

You've spent the day going round telling people? Good grief!

I couldn't get worked up over what you've described tbh.

CrystalMazing · 04/08/2018 18:53

I'd be very wary. I've known behaviour like this in the past and it usually escalates. So now its a kiss from a random woman. But what will it be next time? And how often is he out without you? Do you go out together?

WorraLiberty · 04/08/2018 18:54

Perhaps it's the cynic in me talking but the Immediate admission, apology and 'I'm coming home'...

Well I'd assume he was spotted by someone you know, so he was covering his back.

Gabilan · 04/08/2018 18:58

Like others, I'd be annoyed but I wouldn't end a relationship over a kiss if everything else is otherwise good.

How old is he? Going out until 5am, getting drunk, dancing with women and being kissed by them is fairly standard in your 20s. If he's 35 I'd wonder why he was still acting like this.

TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner · 04/08/2018 18:59

In your OP you say he's a very flirty person and he's popular with women.

This is the bit I'd need to address with my DH if I were in your position. This sounds like fairly everyday behaviour.

Bazz90 · 04/08/2018 18:59

It probably was just an innocent thing but ive never just randomly went to kiss a stranger unless he was making me think it was ok 2..

Nofunkingworriesmate · 04/08/2018 19:03

I've never had to pull away from a strangers kiss, not once , certainly not twice. Women hate rejection so there would have been a build up to that kiss where she knew she wasn't going to be rebuffed. He is giving off single available, up-for-it-vibes
I would insist he was the designated driver for a few months to regain trust, if you can afford it pay / set up a honey trap ( woman he'd like flirts with him and asked if he's single and tries to get number/kiss
Bit drastic but you will have your answer for sure

Nofunkingworriesmate · 04/08/2018 19:05

Also I'd be worried he's shagged her ( his reaction was a bit hysterical for a kiss)
And worried he had witnesses he's getting in first with " just a kiss"

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/08/2018 19:06

Is he an otherwise decent attentive man?its a bit of a daft mistake
He’s told you,and clearly he didn’t want it being a rumour or getting back to you embellished
No I’d not call it quits on an otherwise good relationship
I’d expect he learns not to get so banjoed or in provocative situations with women