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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to believe my husband (kiss)

203 replies

IloveGandT · 04/08/2018 18:18

Hi everyone,
I think there will be a bit of a divide in terms of reactions on this thread but I really want to know what everyone thinks.
My husband went out last night for a few drinks with some of the guys from his work. They went round a few pubs in a town not far from ours and also went round a couple of clubs.
I went to bed at around 1am because he never normally comes home much before 4/5am on a night out so I didn't stay up to wait for him.
I messaged him when I got into bed telling him to stay safe and that I love him and that I was going to sleep. About a minute later, I had a message that simply said 'I'm so sorry but I've kissed someone tonight. I'm coming home'
He got home and I was very upset but he insists that the woman came up to him and kissed him and he kissed back but then pulled away.
He's never done anything like this before although he's a very flirty person and he's popular with women.
AIBU to accept it as just a harmless mistake?
I don't want to throw away an otherwise happy marriage Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
IloveGandT · 04/08/2018 20:22

Would he think that fair if you did it to him?
No and I also know for a fact that if I did what he did last night, he'd divorce me

OP posts:
BuffyBee · 04/08/2018 20:29

I've worked in Clubs and pubs and believe me, when women get pissed they will "lay it on a guy" if they fancy him. Without any provocation!
I've seen it, believe me!
I wouldn't let this cause problems in your marriage but I would ask Dh to be more "on guard" next time he goes out and not let it happen again.

GandTthankyou · 04/08/2018 20:30

The whole suspicious and asks you everyday is a red flag. He’s projecting. As in ‘I’ve cheated and I don’t want you to’ type projecting.

Gabilan · 04/08/2018 20:32

Reciprocating a kiss to not be rude isn’t an etiquette issue it really isn’t

No, it shouldn't be. I can understand reciprocating a kiss in order not to antagonise the other person and to get away unscathed, but usually that would be a man kissing a woman and the woman feeling physically intimidated. But worrying about being rude and causing them embarrassment? Bollocks to that. If you don't want to be embarrassed, don't kiss anyone unless you're really sure they're up for it. It saddens me that women have been socialised to be people pleasers to such an extent that they'll put up with the most intimate acts in order to save the other person's feelings.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/08/2018 20:33

@LipstickHandbagCoffee
Judging people for their actions in this way is unkind. Yes, I was conditioned to completely people please so I allowed myself to be kissed when younger so as not to hurt a guys feelings. This is the sort of thing, which happens when a person is the victim of abuse as a child. They don’t want to inflame people. Perhaps you should think before writing.

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/08/2018 20:34

Noooooooooo

Odfod yourself.

I've worked in clubs and the women most likely to do this, do this week after week, they are not the sweet little innocents that you would portray them to be.

Not that that excuses the OP's DH.

CandleWithHair · 04/08/2018 20:35

OP I’d be asking him to hand over his phone. If he refuses or fiddles with it first, you’re in trouble.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/08/2018 20:35

You’re conflating two unrelated things to try score a point

Nanny0gg · 04/08/2018 20:37

I also know for a fact that if I did what he did last night, he'd divorce me

He's a hypocrite who needs to grow up. He also needs to remember he's married.
Why's he going clubbing with his mates and not you? Do you have children?

Original poster
IloveGandT · 04/08/2018 20:39

We don't have children at the moment but we're open to the idea so aren't taking precautions. Think I'll wait a while before TTC now....
I don't enjoy clubbing much although I do occasionally go out with some of my friends for a few drinks. I never go crazy because I've never been into that kind of thing

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/08/2018 20:40

I’m struck by his very high moralising and falsely accusing you
Whilst he goes out and gets into provocative situations

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 04/08/2018 20:40

I'd assume he'd been seen by someone he knows and the text was a very fast cover up story. Random people don't suddenly come up and kiss strangers.

MsHomeSlice · 04/08/2018 20:41

and now we have a Jack the Lad, with jealousy issues and a lovely red flag.

wake up and smell the coffee OP!

Gabilan · 04/08/2018 20:41

I also know for a fact that if I did what he did last night, he'd divorce me

Then you've got a problem. Why are you expected to forgive him for behaviour he'd find unforgivable from you?

BuntyII · 04/08/2018 20:44

I'd be very upset and that would be the end of his going out to the pub without me days. But I wouldn't LTB.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 04/08/2018 20:45

so aren't taking precautions. Think I'll wait a while before TTC now....
Start taking precautions then,avoid an unplanned pg
Have the big conversation before TTC
BIG convo about
schools faith or non faith. Private or state
Nursery, or Cm,or nanny
Employment both FT, Both PT or does he expect you to give up work
Monies shared or individual accounts

Aprilshowersinaugust · 04/08/2018 20:45

My dh was cheated on in his previous 2 serious relationships. He has never accused me of cheating and I used to go out every weekend with a friend!
Red flag to me with that update op.

Can you agree to join him on a night out and see for yourself what he is like these days after alcohol?
In your shoes I would be sorting out contraception for now and seriously considering my options.

safetyfreak · 04/08/2018 20:48

My question would be why does he keep putting himself into situations where women kiss him? its unlikely these women are just randomly deciding to kiss your partner with no signals from him...

I am guessing his friends are single...really should he be out, chatting up other women and dancing with them? hmmm.

Yogagirl123 · 04/08/2018 20:48

I wouldn’t like it one bit if my DH was kissing women in clubs.

How forgiving would your DH be if the situation was reversed?

I am sorry to say it, but I wouldn’t trust him.

TheDowagerCuntess · 04/08/2018 20:50

His irrational (and yes it is irrational) fear of you cheating, combined with the fact that he'd leave you over such a misdemeanour is a big red flag.

I wouldn't be TTC with someone in these particular circumstances - not at all.

TinyTickler · 04/08/2018 20:51

Are you 15? It was a kiss, and he told you, get a grip.

TheDowagerCuntess · 04/08/2018 20:53

And by 'these circumstances', I mean a man who's out clubbing until 4 or 5 in the morning, is apparently 'flirty' and dances with women. These women just try to kiss him apropos of nothing? Hardly.

Not exactly husband / decent father material, is he?

Crunchymum · 04/08/2018 20:54

So we have questionable behaviour and double standards. Its ok for him but not for you?

The more you post OP, the more dodgy it sounds.

I do however think you've been very OTT in telling all your friends and family.

FuckPants · 04/08/2018 20:56

He's lying.

Original poster
IloveGandT · 04/08/2018 20:57

Yes I realise now that it was a bit unnecessary to tell people but I was so upset that I just had to get it out and speak to people who know me and know him

OP posts: