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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- Ex is saying he will lose his house over child maintenance

283 replies

Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 12:26

Hello all,

I’m currently having a disagreement with my ex.

I’m finally receiving child maintenance (Direct Pay) from ex, after months of him refusing to comply/give information of his work whereabouts (how much money he gets) etc. He hasn’t financially supported DS for the past 7 years, though for many years wasn’t working.

I think my ex is getting, roughly/ £300.00 a week, including arrears, I get about £140.00 a month. However, as it’s direct pay, CMS are taking 20% of his salary, so they are taking in total, £190.00.

Ex messaged me and tells me to stop the Direct pay service and he’ll pay me £150.00 a month as he doesn’t want to incur the Direct pay fees, as, he claims, that CMS are taking about £226.00. He also mentioned his at risk for losing his home.

My friend told me I will be stupid to agree, as he hasn’t supported DS for many years (in anyway shape or form) and doesn’t think he will be consistent with giving the maintenance/ or will make up excuses why he can’t pay such and such this month. This is my fear to.

I told ex that I will think about it, but he should speak to CMS as they didnt really tell me much when I asked them.

Now, ex has threatened to come to my house.

OP posts:
WhatAmISupposedToBeDoing · 04/08/2018 12:28

Tell your ex no way. He won't pay. And tell him to stay away, and if he comes near you you'll phone the police.

Original poster
Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 12:28

Oops, forgot to mention, ex is struggling to pay bills etc because of the 20% extra charges of the Direct pay service.

OP posts:
Tobuyornot99 · 04/08/2018 12:29

Come to your house for what? If he's violent call the police.
And hell yes take the CMS payment, he's shown himself to be a fuckwit, he'll revert to form.

ourkidmolly · 04/08/2018 12:29

Don't make a private arrangement with him. Call the police and tell them he's threatened you. He with lose his house. He's a lowlife.

Original poster
Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 12:29

Really What but I feel really bad.

OP posts:
MotherofTerriers · 04/08/2018 12:29

If he hasn't been reliable with payments in the past I think it would be very unwise to do as he asks.
Tell him to speak to CMS
You don't have to let him in your house
You don't have to be in when he arrives

If you think he is going to be threatening could you have someone with you?

Call the police if needed

AnExcellentUsername · 04/08/2018 12:29

He has zero intention of paying you a penny. Don't do it.

ourkidmolly · 04/08/2018 12:29

Will not lose his house.

Eleventwelths · 04/08/2018 12:30

No, don’t do it. His end is nothing to do with you, he can sort it out, or not, with those taking the money.

ourkidmolly · 04/08/2018 12:31

Why would you feel bad? He hadn't supported your child for 7 years and you feel bad for him? Be an advocate for your child ffs!

IceCreamFace · 04/08/2018 12:31

Your friend is correct. If you messaged him saying you're struggling to keep your and your child's home I bet he'd tell you tough luck. Do not even entertain the idea. Tell him t not come to your home and if he does you'll call the police.

Costacoffeeplease · 04/08/2018 12:31

What a dickhead, hasn’t paid for 7 years and now whingeing about it. Don’t let him off the hook

MrsBertBibby · 04/08/2018 12:32

Don't even think about it. He's brought it entirely on himself. Did he worry about his kids losing their home because he wouldn't support them? Did he bollocks.

Eleventwelths · 04/08/2018 12:32

If he decides to stop work again he may lose his house, that’s his choice, nothing to do eith you.

Are you getting arrears payments?

hairypaws · 04/08/2018 12:32

I agree with @WhatAmISupposedToBeDoing he had his chance to support his children previously but let them down. Any financial problems are his issues, not your child/children. He has proven to be untrustworthy so I wouldn't do as he asks. Tell him if he turns up you will call police.

WhatAmISupposedToBeDoing · 04/08/2018 12:32

Why the hell should you feel bad? He is basically stealing money he owes your - HIS - child. If he had paid like a normal decent person he wouldn't have arrears to pay back. Fuck feeling bad for him.

LuxuryWoman2018 · 04/08/2018 12:33

Agree, he should be feeling like a heel for not supporting his child all these years.
Don't feel bad for him, feel contempt.

Ginorchoc · 04/08/2018 12:33

Don’t do it. Stick with current arrangement.

NaomiNagata · 04/08/2018 12:34

He has brought this on himself.

He's had opportunities to pay voluntarily but he didn't. You're only getting the money now because they collect it for you.

Tell him that next time he asks. If he comes to your house, do not open the door - just fall for help.

His finances are his problem. The extra £40 or whatever is not going to ruin him. He's trying it on to get his own way.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 04/08/2018 12:34

Why would you feel bad for some loser who hasn't supported his child for 7 years?
You'd be totally stupid to enter into a private agreement with someone who has spent all this time dodging payment. If he didn't want it to get this far, he had the option years ago to pay you directly and he chose not to do it.

Bambamber · 04/08/2018 12:35

Well he hasn't given a second thought about you keeping a roof over your child's head over the last 7 years so don't give it a second thought. It's his own fault, if he had willingly paid in the first place he wouldn't have incurred extra fees

beingthere · 04/08/2018 12:36

What the coming to your house threat for? What’s he going to do once there, did he say?

Original poster
Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 12:36

But he said he’ll lose his home because CM are taking £225.00 pounds a month.

I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
Brandnewshit · 04/08/2018 12:37

Im currently pushing for direct pay as my ex is stupid and pays late every month, added his new gfs kids on to the claim even though she gets a big amount from their dad, he knows he has 5 days to pay and likes the game, look at it this way. Hes underpaid and messed you about, direct pay ensures you get that money, if he doesn't pay you may be at risk of losing your home and your kids home. Who's more important.
Tell him to fuck off. If he turns up, ring police and ring cms and get it recorded on your case.
Its the last bit of control he has, let the direct pay continue tough shit for him, did he care when he wasnt paying you. No.
Fuck him

LakieLady · 04/08/2018 12:37

What a tool.

Stick with the CMS, it took 7 years to get this far, if you settle for an informal arrangement now, your DC could be at uni before you get another penny out of your ex.

The house stuff is emotional blackmail, and threatening to come to your house is just awful.