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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- Ex is saying he will lose his house over child maintenance

283 replies

Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 12:26

Hello all,

I’m currently having a disagreement with my ex.

I’m finally receiving child maintenance (Direct Pay) from ex, after months of him refusing to comply/give information of his work whereabouts (how much money he gets) etc. He hasn’t financially supported DS for the past 7 years, though for many years wasn’t working.

I think my ex is getting, roughly/ £300.00 a week, including arrears, I get about £140.00 a month. However, as it’s direct pay, CMS are taking 20% of his salary, so they are taking in total, £190.00.

Ex messaged me and tells me to stop the Direct pay service and he’ll pay me £150.00 a month as he doesn’t want to incur the Direct pay fees, as, he claims, that CMS are taking about £226.00. He also mentioned his at risk for losing his home.

My friend told me I will be stupid to agree, as he hasn’t supported DS for many years (in anyway shape or form) and doesn’t think he will be consistent with giving the maintenance/ or will make up excuses why he can’t pay such and such this month. This is my fear to.

I told ex that I will think about it, but he should speak to CMS as they didnt really tell me much when I asked them.

Now, ex has threatened to come to my house.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 04/08/2018 12:51

No. If he's at risk of losing his home, he needs to cut back his spending in other areas. You do not have to accept any other arrangement and if you do, he will absolutely stop paying you. This is NOT YOUR FAULT.

NaomiNagata · 04/08/2018 12:51

@Illshowyoumine

I don't want to be cruel, but here's some tough love.

Grow a bloody backbone. He didn't pay for 7 years. You've finally got it sorted and are finally get money out of him. That's the end of it.

Almost every single person here is backing you up. LISTEN.

It's not easy to set it back up; do not go down that route. Stop being a pushover, stop worrying about his situation - HE BROUGHT IT ON HIMSELF.

Original poster
Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 12:51

If CMS are taking £225 but you get £140 - where does the rest go

That's what I don't understand. CMS said they are not taking that much, but they are giving me wishy-washy answers. That's why I told him to contact them.

OP posts:
WhatAmISupposedToBeDoing · 04/08/2018 12:51
  • he might pay the first few times
  • then it will be a day late, or £5 short
  • then eventually it will be drip, drip, drip of lateness and shortness and eventually it will stop again and you will have a bitch of a time getting direct pay started again
  • his finances are not your problem!
  • don't let him take advantage of your kind nature. He is trying to steal from your son.
SavvyBlancBlonde · 04/08/2018 12:52

If he’s about to lose his home then he’s living beyond his means and should have stood up to his responsibilities seven years ago

Quartz2208 · 04/08/2018 12:52

No - you have nothing to feel bad for - if he is earning 1200 a month he has a thousand left over after paying CMS - if he cant survive on that he needs to cut down on other payments not towards his son

Wrybread · 04/08/2018 12:52

Some things to remember:

  • He chose not to support the dc for years. He didn't care that this affected their standard of living. He only worried about his own.
  • He chose to rent / buy where he is now. He did this by intentionally excluding the money he should have been paying for the dc. That was not his money to spend.
  • He's an adult and perfectly able to downsize if he needs to.
  • He is using your good nature against you. He is trying to emotionally manipulate you. Look again at what he's done and remind yourself that he needs to understand the consequences of his actions. It's good for him to have something like that happen to him because it will stop him from doing it again
WankStainWasher · 04/08/2018 12:52

He is solely responsible for the position he is in now.

He is not your responsibility, your son is.

He needs to grow the fuck up and take responsibility for his life.

You have absolutely nothing to feel sorry about. If you allow him to come off of the Direct Pay system, you will only be letting down your son.

How sorry will you feel then?

bluetrampolines · 04/08/2018 12:52

If you cancal direct pay the cms are not obligated to help you force payment in the future.

cheesydoesit · 04/08/2018 12:53

He's had seven years worth of chances already and like PP has mentioned, I'm sure he didn't give you or your child a second thought when you were doing without his contribution. He's taking the piss and being a nasty, threatening and selfish shit. You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about. Does he have contact? Definately call the police and log any threats.

NaomiNagata · 04/08/2018 12:53

@Illshowyoumine

He is lieing!!! The percentage they take is public knowledge. You know how much you get - it's not hard to work out and add on 20%.

You're being an idiot. If you believe him and listen then he is going to take you for a mug and you will not get paid. Say no. Ignore it. It is not your concern.

happypoobum · 04/08/2018 12:53

He hasn’t financially supported DS for the past 7 years,

Please read this again. And again.

I have a horrible feeling you are going to give him another chance but you would be extremely stupid to do so. What will you do if CMS say no - you had your chance and you blew it, we won't chase him again? WHat a dreadful waste of taxpayers money to set all this up just for you to crumble like this.

So what if he has to downsize or move to a cheaper area - isn't your son more important to you than your ex? Maybe not?

MorningCuppa · 04/08/2018 12:53

I wouldn't do it. Keep it how it is, he has showed he is no reliable and hasn't paid towards his dc for the last 7 years.

Why do you feel bad? The money is for your child, he brought him into the world too and should be paying for said dc.

If he looses his house that's his fault, maybe he should have paid for his child in the last 7 years.

You have nothing to feel bad about.

BetterWorldBetterPeople · 04/08/2018 12:53

Your post had made me really cross. As despite asking for advice and everyone saying NO you’ve clearly already made your mind up to put your ex’s desires over your sons comfort.

He had 7 years to show you he would pay. He didn’t!

He is not your problem, focus on your son!

WankStainWasher · 04/08/2018 12:54

@Wrybread - wow, spooky cross post! Shock

happypoobum · 04/08/2018 12:54

If you cancal direct pay the cms are not obligated to help you force payment in the future.

Seriously OP - don't do it.

Wrybread · 04/08/2018 12:55

CMS don't lie about taking more money than they should. But it could be that he has other children and is having to pay for them too

Quartz2208 · 04/08/2018 12:55

So if you are getting 140 and the CMS take an extra 20% of that its 28 so 168. He is saying he will pay 150 - the difference is 18 - hardly a difference to save his home

He is lying he will stop paying.

If you are using the money for your son treatment you need it

If he does come round call the police

Wrybread · 04/08/2018 12:55

@WankStainWasher great minds and all that Grin

beingthere · 04/08/2018 12:56

They are not going to tell you his business or anyone else's. He could have another child for all you know. It doesn't matter to you what they are taking off him, just what they give to you.

Quartz2208 · 04/08/2018 12:57

actually finances are an issue - its seems that on the surface they are completely joint but from yours you have responsibilties relating to the family he does not

Original poster
Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 12:58

If you cancel direct pay the CMS are not obligated to help you force payment in the future

Very true. It took them 6 months to set up the Direct Pay, mainly ex's fault because he wouldn't provide them the information.

OP posts:
Walkerbean16 · 04/08/2018 12:59

If he hasnt paid for seven years he has saved himself nearly £12,000 by effectively stealing it off your child.

He will be lying about the 225.

If you stop it now to give him a chance to pay it will be hard to start it again.

Just ignore him op. He got himself into this mess not you.

FuckMePinkAndCallMeCedric · 04/08/2018 12:59

His problems are not your problems. I’m guessing that he has form for piling on the emotional blackmail and that it’s worked on you in the past. Don’t fall for it. He’s in arrears you say? That’s for a reason. He made shitty, selfish decisions in the past. These are the consequences.

And if he comes to your house call the police. Keep any texts/emails from him.

AnoukSpirit · 04/08/2018 12:59

but I feel really bad

Why don't you feel really bad for your son whose father missed 7 years of payments and is now trying to get out of paying more? Direct your compassion towards your son and yourself - your sons needs are more important here.

How much worse will you feel when they payments stop again and you can't get them re started? Because that is what will happen.

This man is manipulating you and controlling you. It's time for you to stop it. It's commendable that you are such a caring person but it is not your responsibility to save the whole world. You need to stand up for yourself - or if you don't value yourself enough to do that, surely you value your son enough to put him first?

If he missed 7 years of payments, then that means you already gave him 84 "second chances" and he blew it on 84 occasions.

Why do you want to give him the opportunity to fail to make a payment for the 85th month?

If you're still worried about his supposed financial situation, how much worse will it be if you give him the chance to get into even larger arrears? You're doing him a favour by giving him the chance to sort it out now before it gets worse.

Direct your compassion towards your son - his life is the one that deserves to be prioritised. The man who is threatening you does not deserve an 85th second chance to fail him.