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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- Ex is saying he will lose his house over child maintenance

283 replies

Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 12:26

Hello all,

I’m currently having a disagreement with my ex.

I’m finally receiving child maintenance (Direct Pay) from ex, after months of him refusing to comply/give information of his work whereabouts (how much money he gets) etc. He hasn’t financially supported DS for the past 7 years, though for many years wasn’t working.

I think my ex is getting, roughly/ £300.00 a week, including arrears, I get about £140.00 a month. However, as it’s direct pay, CMS are taking 20% of his salary, so they are taking in total, £190.00.

Ex messaged me and tells me to stop the Direct pay service and he’ll pay me £150.00 a month as he doesn’t want to incur the Direct pay fees, as, he claims, that CMS are taking about £226.00. He also mentioned his at risk for losing his home.

My friend told me I will be stupid to agree, as he hasn’t supported DS for many years (in anyway shape or form) and doesn’t think he will be consistent with giving the maintenance/ or will make up excuses why he can’t pay such and such this month. This is my fear to.

I told ex that I will think about it, but he should speak to CMS as they didnt really tell me much when I asked them.

Now, ex has threatened to come to my house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 13:11

It's called "Court" on his payslip? He's having a laugh. That's nothing to do with CMS. He's paying fines to court. I do wonder why such a prince of a man has been fined?

Really ?! But I called up CMS, to clarify, and they said in some circumstances, it is called 'court'.

OP posts:
Fenwickdream · 04/08/2018 13:11

Are you crazy?

DO NOT cancel it.

Move on, he’s not your problem now.

AnoukSpirit · 04/08/2018 13:11

If you cancel direct pay the CMS are not obligated to help you force payment in the future

Very true. It took them 6 months to set up the Direct Pay, mainly ex's fault because he wouldn't provide them the information.

He refused to pay a penny for 7 years.

He refused to provide his details to CMS for 6 months.

He will know full well if you cancel direct pay you will be unlikely to be able to reinstate it.

And you actually think he has any intention of making voluntary payments to you once he's no longer compelled to?

This sob story and its accompany threats are nothing more than an attempt to get out of direct pay so he can revert to paying nothing.

If you're that frightened of him that you're doing what he wants out of fear then you need to call the police. Otherwise, you tell him no. End of discussion.

HighwayDragon1 · 04/08/2018 13:12

Don't forget that they take 12% off the amount before they give it to you.

Under absolutely NO circumstances must you cancel the direct pay. SEVEN years he has seen your son go without, he can suck it up and pay now. He is reaping what he has shown.

If he threatens you again call the police.

MatildaTheCat · 04/08/2018 13:12

If you allow this you will, as sure as day becomes night, be letting your son down. He already has a parent who has let him down for 7long years. Can you not see that you need to consider the needs of your son rather than this useless man?

His housing and finances are not your concern. No further discussion on the subject.

I suspect you are going to disregard all of the advice on here anyway. .

IamReginaFalange · 04/08/2018 13:13

I will add I hate absent fathers assumption that the child mum or the benefit system will pay when they won’t. A decent man would go without pretty much anything to ensure their child has enough.

Wrybread · 04/08/2018 13:13

If he's on that sort of amount he's probably getting housing benefits.

He's not going to lose the flat. He is probably having to cut back on nights out and doesn't like it.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 04/08/2018 13:14

YOUR EX IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM!!

Sorry for shouting but you need to get your head round this. He won't be homeless as he can rent in a house share if he needs to. If he's only been able to buy this flat by stealing off your son then why on earth do you want to be complicit in that? Your son's needs are far more important than your ex's wants.

beingthere · 04/08/2018 13:14

CMS can't tell you about other fines/costs he has to pay. Just those to do with you. So it really doesn't mater what he has on his payslip.

If it's another child I wonder if he is trying to con the other woman in the same way...

8dayweek · 04/08/2018 13:14

If it says "Court" he could be having Court Fines deducted from earnings (maybe non-payment of CT if he's banging on about losing his Home?

I'm making a guess here but do Deductions from Wages have a priority (like deductions from Benefits do) so it could be his Court Fines are "paused" until CMS reduces to under 20% of his Wages?

Also, there is the possibility that the Employer has added an Admin. Fee for setting up the Deduction? But I think that's capped at a few quid.

Either way, fuck him. Keep the CMS arrangement in place.

FASH84 · 04/08/2018 13:15

If he had been agreeable and had supported his child from the time you split a private agreement can work, if properly prepared with a solicitor etc. I know someone who does exactly this, has a great relationship with his ex, she also gets on with his current partner (they split a long time ago) he sees his kids every weekend and a couple of evenings a week including sleep overs, they have two new half siblings and it's a proper blended family, he takes all of the kids when they holiday etc, he pays above CMS rates. You're ex lost his right to this kind of agreement when he failed to support his child for seven years. Don't risk it.

TheSerenDipitY · 04/08/2018 13:16

this sounds too good to be true, wide eyed innocent naive little single mum... but but but he said... but but he showed me.... but but but... blink blink... wide eyed innocent naive look... blink blink

Wrybread · 04/08/2018 13:16

Oh and chances are very high that he knows that if you cancel it, they won't help you enforce payment in the future.

And no, CMS does not come up as court.

DarkSuns3t543 · 04/08/2018 13:17

Your ex is an adult he has the capacity to earn money, he can earn more or make cut backs. Your child has zero capacity to earn money. Why should your child go without. Your ex has had 7 years of not paying. Of course your ex should pay.

MiniAlphaBravo · 04/08/2018 13:19

So?

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 04/08/2018 13:19

If you do this

YOU ARE PUTTING YOUR EX BEFORE YOUR SON

Have a word with yourself. He doesn't give a shit about you and DS.

19lottie82 · 04/08/2018 13:21

£300 a week is quite a low wage. Tell him to look for a better one or get a second job if he’s so hard up.

Lucked · 04/08/2018 13:22

He will just have to manage his finances. Whatever the reason for the deductions (likely fines and court fees) he brought it on himself.

Just ignore, I don't know why you are giving him so much headspace. He is not your friend.

SuitedandBooted · 04/08/2018 13:22

If it said "court", it is another payment, most probably a Fine, and not the CMS.

It may also be a doctored payslip/someone elses.

He won't pay - why would he? He has no problem missing SEVEN years of payments. Was he bothered about you being short of cash. If you're mad enough to agree, and he misses a payment, do you think you will have the Direct Pay back in place by the following week?? As PP have said, It doesn't work like that. Look how long it's taken to get this set up in the first place!!!

You're not a priority to him, - he doesn't love you, and he doesn't care about your child.

BigbreastsBiggerbeard · 04/08/2018 13:23

If you want to go back to receiving no money, OP, then continue to feel sorry for him and let him off the hook. Because he won't pay. Why do you think, given he didn't pay for so long, that he'll start paying now?

goldfishcrackers · 04/08/2018 13:24

OP apologies - have checked and in some circumstances if he's accrued child maintenance debts and the CMS has applied to court, the employer can note this as "court" on payslips. But you can't trust him to tell you the truth about what that is for. What you do know is the figure the CMS have given you.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 04/08/2018 13:25

"I've thought about it. I will carry on with the Direct Pay as it stands. If you think you are being overcharged, you need to take it up with the CMS".

Done. He isn't trying to avoid paying the extra £40/£75 or whatever he claims is being taken - given that he hasn't paid anything for 7 years, has been setting up this payment for 6 months and in your own words is "finally" paying maintenance, he is trying to avoid making payments at all. Don't being emotions into it - this is purely financial - the CMS have calculated what should be paid and their system will ensure that it is.
If you pull out of the Direct Pay system - I know this will sound harsh - but you will only have yourself to blame if he reneges on payment.

FuckPants · 04/08/2018 13:26

Don't be a fool.

StatisticallyChallenged · 04/08/2018 13:26

You've said he earns about £300 a week - so that means that even if he's telling the truth and the £225 being deducted is all going to the CMS for some reason, he's spending approximately 17.3% of his income on his son*

Do you spend 17.3% of your income on your son? Of course you bloody do, and a whole lot more besides.

Children aren't free. He's just been allowed to think they are for the last 7 years.

You would be an absolute idiot to cancel Direct Pay; this prince of a man will not pay you. It won't happen. You'll be lucky to get the first month.

Your child is more important than his father.

It's also not a vast sum of money - I'd say the vast majority of people who are unencumbered by childcare responsibilities would be able to find a way to earn that extra £75 every month if they needed to in order to keep a roof over their heads. I don't believe for a moment that £75 is going to make that big a difference...£225 might, but he's only get that if he didn't pay you at all. Which is, of course, his plan in the first place.

*nb not allowed for tax here but his tax won't be enormous on that income

BigChocFrenzy · 04/08/2018 13:31

Why the FUCK are you worried about this deadbeat dad - it's 100% his own fault