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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- Ex is saying he will lose his house over child maintenance

283 replies

Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 12:26

Hello all,

I’m currently having a disagreement with my ex.

I’m finally receiving child maintenance (Direct Pay) from ex, after months of him refusing to comply/give information of his work whereabouts (how much money he gets) etc. He hasn’t financially supported DS for the past 7 years, though for many years wasn’t working.

I think my ex is getting, roughly/ £300.00 a week, including arrears, I get about £140.00 a month. However, as it’s direct pay, CMS are taking 20% of his salary, so they are taking in total, £190.00.

Ex messaged me and tells me to stop the Direct pay service and he’ll pay me £150.00 a month as he doesn’t want to incur the Direct pay fees, as, he claims, that CMS are taking about £226.00. He also mentioned his at risk for losing his home.

My friend told me I will be stupid to agree, as he hasn’t supported DS for many years (in anyway shape or form) and doesn’t think he will be consistent with giving the maintenance/ or will make up excuses why he can’t pay such and such this month. This is my fear to.

I told ex that I will think about it, but he should speak to CMS as they didnt really tell me much when I asked them.

Now, ex has threatened to come to my house.

OP posts:
Toddleoo · 04/08/2018 13:33

You're in the UK and it's definitely Direct Pay? Direct Pay is where the parent pays 'direct', either direct to you or voluntary deduction from wages and there's no fee taken for this by CMS.

Or do you mean Collect & Pay where they have to get it off him and then pay to you? Then the fee is 20% taken off at his end and 4% taken off it again before they pay it to you which means they're taking about £182 off him so he's lying either way. Tell him to check the facts on the .gov.uk site and take it up with CMS if it's not adding up for him - not your problem at all!

The money is your son's, you need to spend it for him obviously but you shouldn't deny your son what he's entitled to just because your ex can't budget.

Tunnocks34 · 04/08/2018 13:36

DO NOT CANCEL THE DIRECT DEBIT!!!

He will stop paying, in one month, two months or maybe it will take 12 months. But he will.

Do you still have feeling for him to be even entertaining this? I just can’t understand why you’re even considering this.

Fluffycloudland77 · 04/08/2018 13:37

Stop being such a doormat, he's working you like a pro.

Original poster
Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 13:38

Yes Toodle, sorry, I meant 'Collect and Pay'.

My ex has just messaged me saying "He hates all the women in his family and has cut them off". Confused.

OP posts:
Bluelonerose · 04/08/2018 13:38

Op don't do it. My ds2 dad is supposed to pay £140 per month including arrears. We were on direct pay so He would pay an extra too. He begged me that he's changed wouldn't see his son go without again (bewildered what her thought those 3 years he didn't bother with him Hmm) stupidly I agreed.

He pays me £85 because that's the figure he has been told. Csa are looking into it and have been since January Hmm

MatildaTheCat · 04/08/2018 13:40

Block.

Allthewaves · 04/08/2018 13:40

Talk to cm. My friend had exactly the same with her ex. They told her she could change to him just paying and first month he defaulted hey would slam the direct payment back into place. So she tried it. He lasted 6 months then defaulted and they put the direct payment back in place.

astoundedgoat · 04/08/2018 13:40

The only circumstance under which you should allow your ex to decide when and if he wants to support his child is if you ACTIVELY do not care for your son's welfare. You would be ACTIVELY reducing your son's standard of life at the request of your ex.

You know your ex is lying to you, and you know he strongly does not want to support his child and yet you are still wobbling about giving in to him and giving him permission to stop supporting his own son.

Honestly - you need somebody in real life to advocate for you here, as you are unable to be your son's advocate. Have you got your own parents in the picture? A reliable friend? A social worker?

pastabest · 04/08/2018 13:43

My ex has just messaged me saying "He hates all the women in his family and has cut them off"

Oh dear sounds like they aren't being sympathetic to his plight. Poor lamb.

RachelAnneJ · 04/08/2018 13:44

If he had voluntarily supported his child then he wouldn't be in this position now.

If the extra % CMS are taking is the difference beteeen him keeping and losing his home, do you really think he will keep to his word and pay you each month? I don't.

Spudlet · 04/08/2018 13:45

he's the one who put himself into this position by being a useless oxygen thief who stole from his child for seven years. Don't be wet, woman! If you let him off, you won't see another penny for your child.

JoanFrenulum · 04/08/2018 13:46

Don't stop the payments. He won't keep up with them. If you really want to be a mug you can give him the £70 difference every week he shows you the deduction on his payslip--you'll regret it but you'll still have more than you would if you stop the payments.

OliviaStabler · 04/08/2018 13:47

I don’t know what to do.

Put your son's needs above your ex!

He is playing you as he knows you are an easy mark and will very likely give in. Your responses on this thread are a clear indication of that. Sorry to be blunt but you need to grow up and put your son first.

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 04/08/2018 13:47

Op if he was at risk of losing his house he could economise on things which effect him instead the only think he thinks of economising on his his son. You, I bet, would go without everything to give your child what he needs. You ex has decided having a child should not meet any sacrifice for him.

Message him back and say ‘I get £140 a month’ from cms if you think there is an error in the amount they are taking you need to speak to them directly’.

He wants you to stop the payment as he knows there’s no error and he knows once it’s off and can bugger off and not pay again.

This is his problem. Don’t rescue him. He’s an ex for a reason.

HeddaGarbled · 04/08/2018 13:49

I expect they hate him too. I’m inclined to hate him based on what you’ve told us about him.

rollingonariver · 04/08/2018 13:50

He had his chance, don't let him off the hook. Your son comes first, block him and move on. If he comes to your house and is violent, call the police.
This is entirely his own fault, if he is going to lose his house he'll have to move somewhere cheaper 🙄

redannie118 · 04/08/2018 13:50

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 04/08/2018 13:52

If your ex has financial issues, he has those despite getting away with not supporting his child. The few pounds he will save will not keep a roof over his head.

Everything you have written here about him suggests that given the opportunity he won’t pay. So you have two choices - use the CMS, shrug your shoulders and get on with bringing up your child or decide to go it alone and forget maintenance.

I did the latter two years ago and have never looked back.

Babyroobs · 04/08/2018 13:53

Is it just him living off the £1200 a month?

category12 · 04/08/2018 13:54

Your child is your priority not this angry bitter little man who has cheated your son out of his support for 7 years.

Toddleoo · 04/08/2018 13:55

Look at it another way maybe, he's trying to save £30 by paying you direct, making you take all the risk of him not paying every month and chasing him up if he doesn't. If he REALLY is that hard up why doesn't he find an extra 4 hours work a month and sort it that way, people are starting to look for zero hrs workers running up to Christmas already! Barely any skin off his nose and saves you getting involved. Bet he wouldn't put himself out though.

LeftRightCentre · 04/08/2018 13:56

He is lying. If he comes to your house call the police. Do not go with his suggestion to pay your directly. He won't do it.

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 04/08/2018 13:56

Long story short, he’s regarding his son as your luxury and that should make you as mad as hell.

GabsAlot · 04/08/2018 13:59

afaik taloking to my dsis about cms 20 percent the nrp is charged then they take a further 4% before it comes to you

either way hes lying about the amount unless its some sort of arrears hes paying back

Original poster
Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 14:01

Is it just him living off the £1200 a month?

Yes, just him. His rent is £500.00 pcm

OP posts: