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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- Ex is saying he will lose his house over child maintenance

283 replies

Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 12:26

Hello all,

I’m currently having a disagreement with my ex.

I’m finally receiving child maintenance (Direct Pay) from ex, after months of him refusing to comply/give information of his work whereabouts (how much money he gets) etc. He hasn’t financially supported DS for the past 7 years, though for many years wasn’t working.

I think my ex is getting, roughly/ £300.00 a week, including arrears, I get about £140.00 a month. However, as it’s direct pay, CMS are taking 20% of his salary, so they are taking in total, £190.00.

Ex messaged me and tells me to stop the Direct pay service and he’ll pay me £150.00 a month as he doesn’t want to incur the Direct pay fees, as, he claims, that CMS are taking about £226.00. He also mentioned his at risk for losing his home.

My friend told me I will be stupid to agree, as he hasn’t supported DS for many years (in anyway shape or form) and doesn’t think he will be consistent with giving the maintenance/ or will make up excuses why he can’t pay such and such this month. This is my fear to.

I told ex that I will think about it, but he should speak to CMS as they didnt really tell me much when I asked them.

Now, ex has threatened to come to my house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 18:53

when will I learn to check on these kinds of user names

Illshowyoumine, is the name of one of my most favourite songs Confused

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 04/08/2018 18:53

@BIWI what's come to light with an advanced search? I can only see that there's only a lesbian "have a go" session in addition to this post but maybe she's name changed? Have I missed something?

Original poster
Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 18:57

Are you really bringing up my sex history ? Which was a Looooong time ago, Pre DC’s. What has my sexuality got to do with this thread ?

OP posts:
CitySnicker · 04/08/2018 18:57

CAN YOU GET THEM TO RESTART DIRECT PAY IF YOU CANCEL IT PREVIOUSLY? Apologies for the caps but I’m sure I read on here before that if you stop using CM then you can’t restart...but that may be the old system.

Omzlas · 04/08/2018 18:58

You're worried about your waste-of-space-ex more than your child

Get your priorities straight and put your child first. Use the money for the reason it's intended and stop worrying about his sorry arse

You be asked if your being unreasonable - been told about 200 times that HE is the problem.
Then you're defending him, despite him failing in his parental duties for 7+ years!

Maybe I've missed the reply but you said 'his treatment' - as in medical treatment? I'm asking as you appear to be in the UK, based on CMS references, but NHS treatment is free

dairymilkisevil · 04/08/2018 19:00

Advanced search is most informative these days, I find.

There really are some people in these sort of situations. Have some respect.

Pandoraslastchance · 04/08/2018 19:00

Diddums. He knocked you up so he can bloody well pay to support the life he created.

If he cannot afford to pay his rent well then he either needs a better paying job or a second one,to learn to be better at managing his finances or He can rent a one room bedsit and tough shit.

ToadsforJustice · 04/08/2018 19:02

Can we not have a "virtual slap" but a "virtual backbone" instead?

WhatALearningCurve · 04/08/2018 19:02

@BIWI @BigChocFrenzy @dairymilkisevil what has the advanced search got to do with it? So OP commented on another post? What does that change?

Cornishclio · 04/08/2018 19:04

If it says court on his payslip that would indicate attachment of earnings which may or may not include the child maintenance. I don't think it is up to you to cancel that anyway even if you wanted to.

Fuzzywig · 04/08/2018 19:10

It is hard, I've always been someone whose put someone else's needs before my own and the relationship I had with my ex was very abusive. But what was many years ago.

Your ex is still being abusive, this is emotional abuse.
Carry on putting someone else’s needs before your own.... the needs of your children, then your needs, then your exes.

Original poster
Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 19:12

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I’ve decided to leave the CM as it is, funny enough, ex hasn’t come by my door yet Hmm.

Yes we are in the UK, but the NHS wouldn’t provide this treatment for free, hence I am currently doing it privately.

You are all right, there have been many times where I’ve had no money for food, scrimping by, cutting back enormously and not once has ex checked to see if we are doing ok, if we have enough food etc No ! I need to put my child first ! It took me 6 months just for the collect and pay service to go through, I’m not going to wait again.

I going to keep up with that I’m doinf and disengage with ex.

Thanks everyone :)

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 04/08/2018 19:35

Remember those difficult times and stay strong OP. The money is for your son. He is entitled to this money, money he has not had for 7 years. Money that will make his life better in all sorts of ways.

Ignore your ex's histrionics . He is a twat and the situation he is in is entirely his own fault. Not your fault. His fault.

Stay strong OP. You can do this.

SlothSlothSloth · 04/08/2018 20:47

You can do it, OP! If you start to waver just look at this thread and remind yourself how opinion here was 100% unanimous that he’s a pisstaker.

cheeznchalk · 04/08/2018 21:02

Stop being so bloody wet!

didyouseetheflaresinthesky · 04/08/2018 21:28

If he kills himself that's on him. And without wanting to sound harsh, would your son even notice if he did? Does he even know him?

Besides, he won't kill himself. He is just trying to manipulate you and I say that as someone who is actively suicidal.

OctaviaOctober · 04/08/2018 21:46

Good. If he loses his house it's because of what he has done. If he kills himself it's his decision and nothing to do with you. He won't anyway. He just knows what to say to upset you.

Remember that in this case you choose your child's welfare, or your feckless ex's welfare. It's a no brainer really.

And if he has said all this in messages, keep them in case he decides to go for "revenge" contact, which is a thing.

Mustd0somethings00n · 04/08/2018 22:18

Please wake up ! Some makes are xxxx I've met people who laugh and say they never paid a penny for their child, but they had holidays, girlfriends, hobbies, nights out, jobs. Followed by laughter. Whilst a mother struggles and spends time and effort bringing up the child. If he says he cannot afford, it is not your problem. Just think of a male laughing at no responsibility for bringing up their child !

Mustd0somethings00n · 04/08/2018 22:20

*Males, not makes

Bambamber · 04/08/2018 22:21

Stay strong op, you can do this!

AdoraBell · 04/08/2018 23:20

Well done OP 👍 stay strong.

callkiki · 05/08/2018 00:02

OP, it's hard to stop the cycle of abuse and it's clear for the rest of us to see how he is trying to manipulate you.

I'm sure after 7 years of his excuses and your admitted hesitation to take action to get CM started because he will be homeless or suicidal has ingrained into you that everything that happens to him is your fault.

You should be proud that you have taken the steps to get CM because for 7 years he took advantage of you and was able to afford things while his child did without. Again, you were made to feel guilty for even asking him to put his child first.

Stay strong and don't engage with him. Just practice saying NO....not even a single sorry...just NO....

No, I'm not going to change the CM.
No, it's not my fault you can't afford you place, just move or get a 2nd job.
No, I will not discuss it further
No, no, no, I'm not changing it as it took me 7 years to even get it started.
No you can't be trusted
NO...our child is more important than your wants

I know it's tough, but what's more important, your son's needs or your ex living in a flat he says he can't afford unless you agree to deprive you son of the basics.

spottybetty · 05/08/2018 00:09

Who’s more important to you? Your dc or your useless ex?

Put your dc first. Say no to your ex. He’s a useless deadbeat lying twat.

PickAChew · 05/08/2018 00:14

I’m worried he may kill himself over his debts

Not your problem. No sad loss if he does. To be fair.

BuntyII · 05/08/2018 00:18

Do you think he would care if you wanted to kill yourself because you've been financially struggling for years to support his child?

Hint: no. Fuck him. Anyway he won't kill himself, he's only saying that to control you.