AIBU- Ex is saying he will lose his house over child maintenance

[Illshowyoumine]

Hello all,

I’m currently having a disagreement with my ex.

I’m finally receiving child maintenance (Direct Pay) from ex, after months of him refusing to comply/give information of his work whereabouts (how much money he gets) etc. He hasn’t financially supported DS for the past 7 years, though for many years wasn’t working.

I think my ex is getting, roughly/ £300.00 a week, including arrears, I get about £140.00 a month. However, as it’s direct pay, CMS are taking 20% of his salary, so they are taking in total, £190.00.

Ex messaged me and tells me to stop the Direct pay service and he’ll pay me £150.00 a month as he doesn’t want to incur the Direct pay fees, as, he claims, that CMS are taking about £226.00. He also mentioned his at risk for losing his home.

My friend told me I will be stupid to agree, as he hasn’t supported DS for many years (in anyway shape or form) and doesn’t think he will be consistent with giving the maintenance/ or will make up excuses why he can’t pay such and such this month. This is my fear to.

I told ex that I will think about it, but he should speak to CMS as they didnt really tell me much when I asked them.

Now, ex has threatened to come to my house.

do you want to help him steal from your son? that is waht you will be doing if you let him off hte hook.

keep the direct pay.

If you are having this much trouble putting your child first and not sacrificing his needs and wellbeing in favour of your ex... you need help.

Seriously, there comes a point when you end up collluding with this man to deprive your child. And that’s seriously fucked up.

Do the freedom program to get your head straight. I think it would be worth doing.

Your 'job' is to prioritise your child and act on their behalf and in their interest.

Toughen up

I’ve decided to leave the CM as it is, funny enough, ex hasn’t come by my door yet.

You've made the right choice. You tried a massive amount to go the other way (he now wants to go) and it was totally shut down, by him, presumablu out of self-interest. So the matter is now between him and CMS, as he decided to make it. Between him and them, not you.

Your child now has shoes, food etc. and that's what matters. The fact your child was subsidising his house is not a reason for sympathy, and he might as well tell people in the local branch of Sainsburys as tell you because, just as HE WANTED IT, it is no longer something amicably arranged between the two of you.

No, your child will not forego essentials to help him out with his mortgage.

No, there is no reason for him to ask you about it, he can contact whoever is now making him fulfil his obligations and argue the toss with them.

No, he will not come to your house and disturb your peace. If he does lock the door, call the police and turn the TV up until they arrive.

Surely if you a decent person and were genuinely going to lose your house you would look at ways to increase your income rather than taking food from your child’s mouth and clothes from their back?

And OP, as someone pointed out, your ex is spending apx 17% of his income (inc arrest payments) on supporting HIS child. How much do you think you spend? I’m guessinng it’s a lot more!

Arrest payments? Arrears

Just wanted to say well done to the OP on disengaging, it's not easy but you can do it!

It's not about you but it is about your child.

I'm glad to hear that you are giving it a go.

I have been in the same situation. I let ex do as he said. He lasted 2 weeks of paying the right payment, one week a massive Ely reduced amount, then nothing. Luckily, I knew that would happen so I hasn't actually cancelled the claim.

Be prepared for him to change jobs soon.

Just remember that this man knows your weak spots. He knows how to push your buttons and make you feel guilty. He is using this skill to get his own way.

It sounds like you are still emotionally tied to him. It's time to stop caring.