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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- Ex is saying he will lose his house over child maintenance

283 replies

Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 12:26

Hello all,

I’m currently having a disagreement with my ex.

I’m finally receiving child maintenance (Direct Pay) from ex, after months of him refusing to comply/give information of his work whereabouts (how much money he gets) etc. He hasn’t financially supported DS for the past 7 years, though for many years wasn’t working.

I think my ex is getting, roughly/ £300.00 a week, including arrears, I get about £140.00 a month. However, as it’s direct pay, CMS are taking 20% of his salary, so they are taking in total, £190.00.

Ex messaged me and tells me to stop the Direct pay service and he’ll pay me £150.00 a month as he doesn’t want to incur the Direct pay fees, as, he claims, that CMS are taking about £226.00. He also mentioned his at risk for losing his home.

My friend told me I will be stupid to agree, as he hasn’t supported DS for many years (in anyway shape or form) and doesn’t think he will be consistent with giving the maintenance/ or will make up excuses why he can’t pay such and such this month. This is my fear to.

I told ex that I will think about it, but he should speak to CMS as they didnt really tell me much when I asked them.

Now, ex has threatened to come to my house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 12:37

being

He used to do this in the past, many years ago, will just cause a huge scene.

OP posts:
beingthere · 04/08/2018 12:38

It’s nothing to do with you how much they take. What’s to do with you is how much they give you, that’s all. He could be lying, he could have another child somewhere.

BitchQueen90 · 04/08/2018 12:38

He'll have to move house then if he can't afford it. I can only afford a flat because I'm on a low wage. That's life.

sue51 · 04/08/2018 12:38

He hasn't supported his child for 7 years. Why on earth would you trust his word now. Stick to the cms direct pay.

hungryhippo90 · 04/08/2018 12:39

He has 0 intention of supporting his son.
I feel angry for you, don’t you even think about letting him off the hook,
And as for threatening you. Fuck no. Call the police.

Let the scumbag explain to the police why he threatened you when he had to start paying child support.

beingthere · 04/08/2018 12:40

Tell him you will call the police if he comes near.

And DO IT. That will stop him one way or another.

BlueBug45 · 04/08/2018 12:40

You ex has just got to find cut backs elsewhere. He needs to pay for the child he helped create.

Ignore him and if he comes round phone the police immediately.

Brandnewshit · 04/08/2018 12:41

He isn't going to lose his home, whats his living situation atm?

Teaformeplz · 04/08/2018 12:42

Perhaps with him knowing that the other option. Is to have the £226 taken, he will pay the £150? Give him chance to set up the direct debit to you, people can change a lot in 7 years

Bambamber · 04/08/2018 12:42

He is emotionally manipulating you to get out of paying. He will not pay you willingly. You do nothing

WineAndTiramisu · 04/08/2018 12:43

Did he care about your house situation when he wasn't paying at all? Stick with CMS, and if he comes round, don't open the door, if he makes a fuss, call the police

LuluJakey1 · 04/08/2018 12:43

He had a child with you.
He did not pay child maintenance for 7 years
He actively avoided paying it by not co-operating with required info for CMA
He has now been assessed and an amount has been set according to the financial info the CMA have gained
He does not want to pay for his child
It will be taken directly from his salary because he has not and will not pay for his child
He is blackmailing you emotionally and threatening you to get you to do what he wants so he can not pay for his child

And you feel bad for him and are thinking you will give in!

FubbyChucker · 04/08/2018 12:44

I'm not sure why you are so concerned about your ex partner's financial wellbeing when he's seemingly had no concerns about yours.

WhatAmISupposedToBeDoing · 04/08/2018 12:44

Do you honestly think that he gave even one seconds thought to how you were managing to house clothe and feed yourself and HIS child with zero help from him? No. He hasn't. So why should his issues be your problem?

Seriously. Buy a cheapy phone. Text him telling him (1) this is your number (2) money goes through CMS, you won't be discussing it (3) if he comes near you or anyone you know or attempts to contact you in any way except using this number you'll phone the police. MEAN IT. Block him from your normal phone and give him the same care and concern he gives you. Ie none.

AnExcellentUsername · 04/08/2018 12:44

"But he said he’ll lose his home because CM are taking £225.00 pounds a month."

How is this your problem?

NaomiNagata · 04/08/2018 12:44

@Illshowyoumine

You do know what to do. You say no.

You tell him he had 7 years to pay by his own choice. He didn't. So this is the consequence.

Also, he is lieing about how much they are taking. They only take 20% of the amount he would pay you, and add that onto what they take. If you get £160 then they are taking £192. You can call this and confirm - explain what he is saying to you and ask for confirmation.

But do not let him have his way. This isn't your responsibility. Be a strong mother, stand up for your children's rights and do not let him away with it. If you do, the payments will decrease and decrease, become sporadic or stop.

This is his fault. He made the mess. Do not speak with him about it anymore once you have said no.

Brandnewshit · 04/08/2018 12:46

Ps your v lucky to be on direct pay, im trying my hardest to get this set up and cms are being difficult.
Dont listen to him. What will you do if he stops paying?
Your only going to have the stress of being controlled by him, and have to set it all up again, this has really struck a chord with me I'm angry on your behalf.
Im guessing he was abusive and controlling when you were together?
Just fucking ignore him

MaMaMaBelle · 04/08/2018 12:47

If CMS are taking £225 but you get £140 - where does the rest go?

Tutlefru · 04/08/2018 12:47

Don't do it! I stupidly did this. Ex didn't pay. Full of excuses.

Had to start the whole process again!

Now it's done through DOE. Much to his dismay. He also pleads poverty.

Hortonlovesahoo · 04/08/2018 12:48

Agree with everyone else. Don't let him get away with this and if he argues or tries to guilt trip you then remind yourself: this is money for your son, this is what they've decided he's able to pay and live on.

I fully expect he's hoping to pressure you into giving in and then giving you nothing.

Original poster
Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 12:49

I use the money to pay for my son’s treatment.

But I feel really bad. Should I give him a chance and if he misses one payment, I’ll stop put it back up to Direct Pay.

OP posts:
WhatAmISupposedToBeDoing · 04/08/2018 12:49

NO!!!!!

cheesydoesit · 04/08/2018 12:50

Fuck him.
Stay strong.

Icecoldchilli · 04/08/2018 12:50

Does he go out loads? Have nice holidays? Buy new clothes?

I fail to see how an extra 75 quid will cause him to lose his house.
If he’s 75 quid short every month he should rearrange his mortgage/extend the term so it’s 75 pounds less.

AnExcellentUsername · 04/08/2018 12:51

@OP Literally everyone in this thread has told you NO