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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU- Ex is saying he will lose his house over child maintenance

283 replies

Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 12:26

Hello all,

I’m currently having a disagreement with my ex.

I’m finally receiving child maintenance (Direct Pay) from ex, after months of him refusing to comply/give information of his work whereabouts (how much money he gets) etc. He hasn’t financially supported DS for the past 7 years, though for many years wasn’t working.

I think my ex is getting, roughly/ £300.00 a week, including arrears, I get about £140.00 a month. However, as it’s direct pay, CMS are taking 20% of his salary, so they are taking in total, £190.00.

Ex messaged me and tells me to stop the Direct pay service and he’ll pay me £150.00 a month as he doesn’t want to incur the Direct pay fees, as, he claims, that CMS are taking about £226.00. He also mentioned his at risk for losing his home.

My friend told me I will be stupid to agree, as he hasn’t supported DS for many years (in anyway shape or form) and doesn’t think he will be consistent with giving the maintenance/ or will make up excuses why he can’t pay such and such this month. This is my fear to.

I told ex that I will think about it, but he should speak to CMS as they didnt really tell me much when I asked them.

Now, ex has threatened to come to my house.

OP posts:
viques · 04/08/2018 12:59

If he had agreed to pay for your child from the start he wouldn't be being forced to pay now.

It's called fair play, karma, just desserts, social justice, divine retribution, payback, natural justice, Sod's law and many other things.

Serves him right. Does he think your child has lived off fresh air for the last seven years, and that you have woven his clothes out of autumn leaves and carved his shoes out of logs?

I bet for the last seven years he hasn't stinted himself on anything, or denied himself treats or nights out, weekends way, new clothes, the odd beer, a decent tv package etcetcetc, or even given you and your child a thought financially or otherwise, whereas I am prepared to bet you have scrimped, made do, denied yourself basics, spent stuff on your child rather than yourself, juggled finances like a demented octopus at the end of the month, borrowed bits and bobs from family members, accepted charity and lain awake at night going over financial scenarios until you thought your head would burst.

He can let out a room in his house, cut back on his expenses a bit, cancel his fancy phone contract, cancel the to package, do lots of things to make sure he is paying for his child.

NaomiNagata · 04/08/2018 12:59

This is one of those infuriatinf threads where I just want to shake some sense into the OP.

You are behaving like a timid little pushover. Stop it. You are grown, adult human. You have a child. Act like it.

Walkerbean16 · 04/08/2018 13:01

And 140 a month to support a child isn't very much really.

Summerisdone · 04/08/2018 13:01

Honestly don't bother charging things to suit him. He has proven to be unreliable in paying many times so it's very likely he will do so again, and I can promise you from recent experience, if he is late or refuses to pay at all then it's really not as simple as just phoning back CMS to get it out back to direct pay.
I had to ring and tell them how ex was refusing to pay, they said I had to leave it at least a week after payment was due, so I rang again following week... this way in April and it took to the end of July for them to even send any correspondence out to myself or ex, in this time he had paid for April, May and June but was £50 short each month, so I told CMS this immediately after I got the letter. It was just last week that they responded with a new payment plan for direct pay, which won't even come into place until September, so it's taken from April and will be September before they finally get this all sorted out Angry

So if you're already on a direct payment plan with them then I'd just keep it as that if I were you OP, it's not worth the stress and hassle (and many months of no maintenance) to go back on to it, which it sounds like you probably will need to.

Glumglowworm · 04/08/2018 13:01

Don’t agree to this for gods sake

He’s spent 7 years trying to get out of paying and he’s still trying to get out of paying now. If you agree to a private agreement he might pay once if you’re lucky and then never again.

He created this mess for himself and you have nothing to feel guilty about. You can bet he didn’t feel guilty all those years when he wasn’t paying to support his child

Brandnewshit · 04/08/2018 13:02

Better world, its making me cross too.
Id give my right arm for direct pay, my ex stays on the borderline of the rules as a control game. He seems to think that his money is treat money for my dc, hes actually reported me to ss for not spending every penny on the kids. Rent gas electric and food are not what his money is for apparantly
They told him to get lost btw.

Original poster
Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 13:03

He will be lying about the 225

He showed me his payslip, and the £225 figure is true. But, it said the person, who was taking out the money, is called "court" (I wasn't sure if that was from CMS).

OP posts:
reallyanotherone · 04/08/2018 13:05

Will not lose his house

How do you know?

We ended up stuck as our mortgage wasn’t affordable with CM payments on top- expensive city, DH self employed going through a tight patch, me being made redundant. It was a catch 22 as a smaller house in a cheaper area further from school meant we couldn’t see the SDC as much, which put CM up.

It was touch and go for a year as to whether we could have to downsize. Fortunately as Dh has never missed a payment in 20 years- and increases when his work is going well, his ex was fine about us reducing temporarily- she knows what his business is like as it was the same when they were together.

However o/p, in your case, as others have said it’s on his head. If he’d have shown he was reliable and responsible with regard to his children then he may have had more of a case. As it is you can’t risk him not paying, so can’t do as he asks.

Rainbowqueeen · 04/08/2018 13:05

What has your son missed out on because his dad hasn't paid anything towards him for the past 7 years?.

Your ex does not care about your son he only cares about himself. He has refused to provide information in the past, lied, evaded his responsibilities. He is a deadbeat. At least ensure for the sake of your son, that his dad is a deadbeat who pays something towards him. Do not agree.

Do not do it.

Do not do it

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/08/2018 13:05

OP, he is your ex for a reason.
Why are you even looking at his payslips ?
You need to disengage, and stop being a sap.
If he comes round, phone the police.
You are riding on the back of the Devil, listen up.

icelollycraving · 04/08/2018 13:06

Come on. Really.
So, he didn’t pay for 7 years. Then he wouldn’t give them the correct info to delay it. What he’s telling you he’s paying isn’t being corroborated. This is not a man I’d trust to pay if it weren’t forced. I’d be grateful I was finally getting a contribution and wouldn’t fuck up the chance of further assistance.
His problem, not yours, You don’t need to please him ffs.

zippey · 04/08/2018 13:06

If he had been a good father before this then I’d be willing to be reasonable and compromise. After all, it’s helpful to have a healthy relationship with your ex, for your child’s sake. But it sounds like he shirked his responsibilities for 7 years.

I’d ask for proof that the CMS were taking £225 - chances are he is lying. This would cement your decision to go through the CMS.

longwayoff · 04/08/2018 13:07

Oh illshowyou, you're supposed to feel bad. Thats why he's told you this load of old flannel, you beast. How could you favour keeping your mutual son fed and clothed when his poor dad might lose his HOUSE. Yes, his HOUSE, that he presumably bought whilst not paying for his son. Please.

goldfishcrackers · 04/08/2018 13:07

He's lying about the figure he has to pay.
Using that lie he's trying to guilt you into dropping the only thing that has guaranteed your son money for his treatments and other essentials.
He's not paid to support his son for 7 years.
And now you're not immediately coming to heel he's threatening you?
These are not the actions of a reliable man. If you drop the CMS direct pay and he defaults/is late/short/makes you feel you have to keep him sweet to get the money you're not guaranteed they'll restart direct pay. By dropping direct pay you're giving him power over you and that's not a good place to be.

Tell him you'll call the police if he comes round. And do it. Don't drop direct pay. And do the Freedom Programme.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 04/08/2018 13:07

Don't do it, he won't pay.

He didn't care that you or your son would lose their house did he? Think about it - it's only because you live in a country that has housing benefit that you had a roof over your head. Seriously, imagine where you would be without housing benefit.

Original poster
Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 13:08

I just don't know Sad.

I will feel very bad if he loses his flat as he has been without a home (not through his fault) for many years.

OP posts:
Brandnewshit · 04/08/2018 13:08

Who would you prefer to be homeless, your cunt of an ex or your son?

Lunde · 04/08/2018 13:09

Do not be stupid! - do not cancel direct pay! Put your son first and take the money you have a right to. He obviously had no intention to pay

Did you ex care about whether you had enough money or whether you were in danger of losing your home for the 7 years that he didn't pay? Stop allowing him to manipulate you.

GoldfishCrackers · 04/08/2018 13:09

It's called "Court" on his payslip? He's having a laugh. That's nothing to do with CMS. He's paying fines to court. I do wonder why such a prince of a man has been fined?

bridgetreilly · 04/08/2018 13:09

I will feel very bad if he loses his flat as he has been without a home (not through his fault) for many years.

Yes, but this time IT WILL BE HIS FAULT.

Not yours.

Original poster
Illshowyoumine · 04/08/2018 13:10

I’d ask for proof that the CMS were taking £225 - chances are he is lying. This would cement your decision to go through the CMS

He showed it to me and I did see the £225, but the name, where the money was taken from, was called "court".

OP posts:
Mumteedum · 04/08/2018 13:10

Has he always been truthful with you? I doubt it.

My ex said claimed he was on brink of bankruptcy. Strangely enough once the divorce finances were settled he found thousands of £ by magic to have house re roofed and rendered!

Quartz2208 · 04/08/2018 13:10

yep court is not CMS he is taking you for a ride

beingthere · 04/08/2018 13:10

He's paying other debts (or rather they are taking the money from him) that you know nothing about. It's not your business or fault. He's conning you.

IamReginaFalange · 04/08/2018 13:10

You said you use the money to pay for your sons treatment? So you need that money.