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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

610 replies

dellacucina · 02/08/2018 10:19

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

OP posts:
barleyfive · 02/08/2018 10:22

YANBU, £60k is a decent wage and you must be successful and talented in your field to earn this, and deserve to be respected and not have it thrown in your face. My DP earns nearly double what I do, but he is supportive and proud, and we pay our fair share- he needs to get into the real world if he thinks 160 isnt a reasonable income!

Coldilox · 02/08/2018 10:23

I'm the higher earner (although earn less than you in a very stressful job!) but don't consider that I have more say over finances than my wife. We are equal. Your DH is a cockwomble

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 02/08/2018 10:26

Is he the sort of person who constantly compares himself to others?

MummaGiles · 02/08/2018 10:26

How does he feel about the fact that his higher wage will impact on childcare costs when you child hits 3? Because he earns over £100k, you will only be entitled to 15 hours funded care, not 30.

PoppyFleur · 02/08/2018 10:27

I have no words, your DH is completely beyond unreasonable. What a horrible way to speak to someone you profess to love. What were the plans for childcare & costs before you had children?

Does he have any redeeming qualities?

Popc0rn · 02/08/2018 10:27

I earn less than half of what you do, my partner earns more than twice your DP. He never mentions my salary, he respects my job for what it is rather than how much money I make.

Your husband sounds like a snobby selfish arsehole in this scenario. Also waiting for the chorus of "but it's family money!" (Which it IS when you've got kids in my opinion).

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 10:30

Whatsthecoming, I think his problem is that he doesn't compare himself to others much. He decides whether something is reasonable based on what he wants and then he assumes this is how the world works.

(Another example: I try to make quality homemade food for our family rather than eating ready meals. Many of these meals take 45 minutes or less to prepare and we often have leftovers. He insists that normal people don't spend this much time preparing food and that I waste lots of time. But he hasn't actually talked to other people to find out what they do about meal planning).

OP posts:
Nomad86 · 02/08/2018 10:30

I'm a sahm, DH has never begrudged this or made me feel less than equal. He even suggested paying for a childminder so I could go back to volunteering if I want. He earns nowhere near what your DH does. We've decided to prioritise financial security and time together over earning as much as we can. I can't understand the obsession with having as much money as possible. Some industries pay more than others, you may be equally successful in your field but earn different amounts.

Poptart4 · 02/08/2018 10:30

Your husband sounds like an absolute dickhead. 60k a year is double what alot of people make and nothing to be sniffed at.

It sounds like he doesn't respect you and that is a huge problem op. You've already asked him not to bring up your salary in a derogatory way and he still is so you have to do something to show him the way he speaks to you and about your pay will not be tolerated.

Afew nights on the sofa? Kicking him out for a day or two? Perhaps reminding him that in the event of a divorce, since he earns so much more, you could take him to the cleaners!

Im not suggesting divorce but he needs a short sharp shock to realise he cant put you down the way he does. Its boarder line abusive.

FASH84 · 02/08/2018 10:31

If he doesn't want your family to pay for for an extra day childcare, seeing as he earns soooooo much more than you (I agree with PP, cockwomble), he can afford to only work four days, and do all drop offs and pick ups at the current nursery. I'm guessing he is also very important at work so the flexibility shouldn't be a problem

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 02/08/2018 10:31

My DH earns similar to you. I earn so little I don’t even pay tax. DH never compares our earning power! We just have “our money” which is all in one pot. Your DH sounds like a nightmare to me and I wouldn’t let anyone talk to me like that.

Starlight345 · 02/08/2018 10:31

I would be very annoyed.

I would not want to be with someone who doesn’t consider me an equal esp based on income

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 10:32

Mummagilles,

I am sure this annoys him. He is obsessed with money. But he definitely won't see this as a drawback of his job!

OP posts:
beachysandy81 · 02/08/2018 10:33

Yes, but as well as working full time you are the main carer for your child. He sounds terrible and judges life by money alone. At least on that salary (which is higher than my husband's and mine put together) you could manage without him. What is bringing to the relationship apart from stress? He doesn't appreciate your financial contribution or the fact you are caring for your child more than he is. Even if you were earning minimum wage he should appreciate you for who you are not what you bring financially.

Popc0rn · 02/08/2018 10:35

Does he do any cooking himself?

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 10:35

Poptart: I lost it with him this morning and shouted a bit. I reminded him that I have told him NEVER to throw my salary in my face again and that I consider this to be a deal-breaker and divorce worthy.

His response:

  • I am crazy
  • I should not yell in front of our daughter (fair, but I also don't want her to think it is ok to assign value within a relationship based on earnings)
  • I would find things much harder as a single mom so I should not complain
OP posts:
badtime · 02/08/2018 10:38

Do you do everything in the house as well as working? He clearly does very little with your child and no cooking. Does he do anything?

scaryteacher · 02/08/2018 10:38

My dh has always outearned me by loads; and yet he says everything is a partnership. He has never thrown the fact that I earned less than him at me, seeing my domestic and childcare contribution as just as important as my job.

I think your dh has a skewed view of what a relationship/marriage is. Ours is based on keeping each other happy and making each other laugh...not what we contribute financially.

trojanpony · 02/08/2018 10:39

By my calls bring in 40% of your post tax incomes
42,819.48
66,019.48

And facilitate childcare and much more I imagine.

I’d tell him to wind his neck in or you’ll be taking your very decent salary and 20% of his and fucking off into the sunset.

For the record I am the high earner in our relationship and would never treat my partner like this.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/08/2018 10:39

He insists that normal people don't spend this much time preparing food and that I waste lots of time.

How much time does he spend cooking? Or does he see that beneath him too?

It shouldn't matter how much you earn - everything goes into the family financial pot and childcare costs come out of that.

He sounds like a dick.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 10:40

FASH: it's funny, this was the topic of our argument! I have been rushing out at 5 every day to do the pickup, which I hate and makes work life stressful, but I asked him to pick her up today since I want to go to a work drinks event, something I do once a quarter at best. Part of the agreement was that he would still take her in as usual but he announced this morning he wasn't going to do that. This led to the argument, as I pointed out it is daft to stick with a nursery that no one wants to trek to.

So...I doubt he would agree to your proposalWink

OP posts:
notthisagain83 · 02/08/2018 10:41

Of course you should be equal partner.. regardless of who earns what..

My DD's dad was like this about money (earning the same as your DP). it infuriated me and was a HUGE reason why we broke up. You should have seen the look on his face when i told him how much CM i was entitled to when i left!

Could you find a nursery closer to your work without moving or get a new au pair?

ColumboHere · 02/08/2018 10:41

I reminded him that I have told him NEVER to throw my salary in my face again and that I consider this to be a deal-breaker and divorce worthy.

Well he's called your bluff on this one hasn't he. What are you going to do about it?

trojanpony · 02/08/2018 10:41

By my calculations you bring in* 🤦🏻‍♀️
Sorry it’s very early here

User12879923378 · 02/08/2018 10:42

I'm the higher earner and my only concern would be whether family income as a whole permitted it. I would only say that more money needed to be earned if our joint income wasn't enough, in which case it would be stating the obvious really.

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