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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

610 replies

dellacucina · 02/08/2018 10:19

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 12:18

Portsmouth: if we went to 5 days a week with the current nursery, the cost would be quite similar. He just prefers to keep this Friday coverage situation in place and to save the money. When we eventually get a new au pair she will help on this day, but it means there is a lot more stress around Fridays in the in-between times.

I am aware that we are in a very privileged position!

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 12:19

Ellybo: not in the UK.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 12:21

My general feeling is that he is a bit of a dick, and he makes day-to-day life difficult.

People here seem to think he is a grade A abuser. Is this really that bad?

OP posts:
WhatAnAbsolutePenis · 02/08/2018 12:23

May I be the one here, who says - what an absolute penis.

I was in your position recently but on a much lower pay scale. But the sentiment was the same and my husband was being an absolute penis.

Thankfully, he’s realised and been really apologetic. Long may the realisation continue.

OP I don’t have any advice I just wanted to sympathise.

WhatAnAbsolutePenis · 02/08/2018 12:23

Also, is there much of a gender pay gap in your job? Out of interested?

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 12:25

WhatAnAbsolutePenis: love the username! How did your husband see the light?

I will admit he has stopped mentioning my pathetically low salary all the time recently, following my telling him it want allowed. But he does seem to find ways to bring it up. (He said it was valid in this context)

OP posts:
YearOfYouRemember · 02/08/2018 12:25

I think we need better name than cockwomble. Wombles are lovely and it sounds too much like a term of endearment.

OP, is start saving siphon off housekeeping for when you wake up to you being married to a bully.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 12:26

Women can make quite a lot in my profession, but probably don't usually make it to the very top. I have taken a more family friendly public sector job

OP posts:
shinyredbus · 02/08/2018 12:27

He thinks becasue he earns more he can bully you - what an awful person. My husband earns more that than working part time, I earn nothing like that, we are very very lucky. He has never once questioned me or said I have to earn more if I wanted something - I would leave him if he ever did, your husbands sounds like a narcissist - loves himself too much. He probably also thinks he has you on a string re the visa. Good luck with the counselling, I hope it works out for you.

ButtonMoonLoon · 02/08/2018 12:28

He sounds truly vile.
In your shoes I think I would play the long game. Keep your head down and start planning your exit from what sounds like quite a toxic relationship. A year will pass quickly, time to get your ducks in a row.....

banivani · 02/08/2018 12:28

OP, I recently read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, purely because so many on Mumsnet have recommended it to other women in similar situations to yours. It's a very good breakdown of what makes an abuser and different types of abuse, some of them hard to recognise. I'd recommend reading it, I think it'll help you make up your mind on that score. I think his attitude and behaviour are appalling, myself, for what that's worth! He clearly does not see the family as a partnership.

orphanblack1 · 02/08/2018 12:30

Your OH is a nob. I earn 4K per annum (and a bit more if you take account of bonuses) less than my OH as I chose to work only 4 days a week and in a less high earning job than previously for the sake of my mental health.

I’ve said I feel guilty a) no longer in the high paid job and b) having a 3 day weekend and have offered to go back 5 days so we will have more for future (to be fair we don’t struggle anyway) but OH won’t hear of it and in fact, is suggesting I drop to a 3 day week when our baby arrives.

He’d rather see me less stressed and happy than have £ coming through the door.

SuperSuperSuper · 02/08/2018 12:31

Talk to an immigration solicitor about the visa issue asap OP, and explain about the abuse. I honestly think that you need to make plans to leave, your DD shouldn't have to grow up in this environment. You can support your DD and pay for an au pair on your salary plus maintenance, but I understand that the visa issue muddies the waters, hence my advice to see an immigration solicitor before a divorce solicitor (maybe consult one of each within the same practice at the same time if that is poss?)

Btw - You don't need to post about how "lucky" you are financially. A gilded cage is still a cage.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 02/08/2018 12:33

Just because you earn less doesn't mean you have to take on all the housework. Before marriage and kids, did he not have to go to work and also manage his own home and life?

Why don't you find a nursery which is closer to home? Is that possible?

Your DH is very unreasonable. I would stop doing anything for him. They are also kids kids and he has to parent them and look after them too.

sar302 · 02/08/2018 12:33

I'm sorry OP, but he's an arse.

I work in the public sector, my husband works in finance - there's no way I could ever earn what he does! But I make the world a better place, and he just makes people richer, so I joke that his cash balances out my good deeds and chronic underpayment!

For comparison, our money is our money. I have access to all of it and we make joint financial decisions. Within our defined budgets, we can both buy whatever we want. No guilt, no games.

I'm very sorry, it sounds like a huge stress and you sound like you're doing very well in your career. I hope you get it sorted.

crazychemist · 02/08/2018 12:34

He's being a bit of a dick about this. Be wary - your wage gap is likely to increase over time as men with DC tend to progress more than women with DC. Obviously if you have any more DC the gap will be even greater because of extra maternity leave.

Serious conversation about contributions to household needed!

Is this definitely about money? No chance he just wants to keep his DM involved?

As many in here have Already pointed out, with those salaries, four or five days at nursery is negligible. Your salary clearly covers it! DH and I are both part time teachers (we wanted to both have some sole care time with DD and any further DC) and our combined salary is less than yours. We are pretty comfortable! I assume you're in London though, we moved out so we would be able to live on part time salaries and still have a decent home.

Are you considering independent school? (Again, assuming you are in London where this is more common). Might be worth discussing this early in that case, as that is a much bigger expense and you don't want DH insisting on having it all his way just because he earns more.

AnyFucker · 02/08/2018 12:34

Joint counselling is a really bad idea

A man like this will use the sessions against you as evidenced already

I recommend individual counselling to assist you on your journey away from this fucker

Petronius16 · 02/08/2018 12:36

45 minutes to prepare a meal - you're good, very good.

Even when we were both working and had the kids at home the vast majority of our meals were made from scratch.

Now we're retired with no kids still do a lot from scratch but probably not as much. Ready meals aren't always particularly healthy often with a lot of highly processed ingredients and various chemicals. Wrapped supermarket bread, for example, contains mould inhibitors as well as various other stuff to speed up the process. Good for you to keep your family healthy.

There's always been a very large difference between our individual incomes. Never been an issue. Income is a small part of what individuals bring to a partnership.

blinkineckmum · 02/08/2018 12:36

You, alone, make almost double what dh and I earn combined. And we have 2 in childcare (plus a school age child). I think we live well. You don't even need to have a conversation about childcare as with the money you earn it's a non issue. He sounds like a greedy so&so.

StormTreader · 02/08/2018 12:37

"tbf he does help around the house a lot. He is a control freak and has certain things he likes to handle."

Hands up anyone who is surprised he's a control freak. Anyone?

Moominfan · 02/08/2018 12:39

60k is a good wage and nothing to sneer at

Quartz2208 · 02/08/2018 12:39

Yes OP it is that bad, no partner should make your day to day life difficult or treat you as anything other than an equal

roundaboutthetown · 02/08/2018 12:40

dellacucina - your dh sounds like an utter twat. Does he see your relationship as anything other than a practical arrangement? I'm not really seeing the difference in his mind between you and the au pair you are planning to get.

hooliodancer · 02/08/2018 12:45

I earn twice as much as my partner..I would never think I have more say.

I spend more on myself than he does, but other than that everything else is just paid. I am paying more than him as I earn more, but I don't see it that way. We are a partnership.

If he thinks 60k is paltry then he really needs to become more acquainted with the real world.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 12:46

Here is another perspective that may put me in a worse light: he thinks I am a spoiled princess.

I get stressed easily and never really wanted children because I was anxious about balancing everything in life. I try very hard to protect myself and my time as I worry that he will steamroll over me otherwise. This includes reminding him on days like today that part of the deal when I agreed to have children was that we would have to take measures to ensure it didn't ruin my life (/our lives)

OP posts: