To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

[dellacucina]

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

I think once we get into Visa issues on MN things become awfully complicated and we cant advise the OP to just LTB which I am sure we would all heartily like to do because he is a fucking arsehole.

What else can we say? Plan and bide your time, try not engage with him, use the counselling to explain how appallingly he's treated you. Oh and the other very important thing, put money away. Do you have a separate, private savings account? Because whatever happens a little money behind you will cushion it a bit.

Do you have any family in the UK? Or any good friends in RL?

I actually depend on DH for my visa, so there are very practical reasons not to leave.

I would look into this (if you actually want to leave, that is!)

I don't know what it's like in the UK but where I live there are certain situations where breaking up doesn't affect your visa - basically to prevent people being trapped in abusive relationships.

But if you're counting down to ILR you've probably not got an enormously long time to go anyway?

He sounds contemptible. Money does not equal worth, especially in the context of a relationship.

what? wow!

I have a husband who most years earns just over what your husband earns (yes MN cliche but true - sorry!) and i earn just above NMW but no tax as i'm currently 2 days per week.

its equal and he never treats me disrespectfully for being a lower earner as i'm out there doing what i can do for our little family and he recognises that me doing this job, being around to care for the kids and having no-one else to do a day of childcare allows him to go out to his gig to earn money.

i buy what i want, from where i want when i want within reason and so does dh, there's no "you can't afford to shop at Ralph Lauren as you only earn £8.75 per hour, you have to shop at X shop"

was your dh brought up in different financial circumstances? are your costs of mortgage high? why is is so stressed and obsessed?

By the way I'm also forrin where I now live (though have finally been able to apply for citizenship), so I do understand the underlying stress of being visa-dependent. Especially in the current clusterfuck situation.

I honestly would dump his sorry ass. I understand there must be something good in your relationship but I can't figure out what could compensate the way that he treats you. IMO it's too much. I would rather be single than in a toxic environment.

How's the counselling going?

It sounds like you have married an arrogant mysoginist. No matter how complex your exit from such a dysfunctional situation, I would start making those plans right away

OP your husband is an arse. A conversation with a good immigration lawyer then a divorce specialist would not go amiss, just to know your rights. Eg what if you are separated not divorced what does that do to ILR?

ive just seen the visa issue. i dont know anything about this but can you see a solicitor?

He needs to check his privilege. Has he not heard of the gender pay gap? The social conditioning women experience that means its hard to even aim for high paying positions in the first place.
I only just earn enough to pay tax and my DP earns more than 20K less than you. We have three children and a nice life. We're homeowners and have a holiday every year. I always wonder what on earth people are spending their money on. (Admittedly I don't drink, smoke, not interested in clothes and makeup and am happiest on a walk in the local woods so fairly low maintenance).

Wombat: the issue I guess is that he weaponises it. Like obviously we may sometimes need to discuss how much money we have collectively and what to do with it, but he often says things like , if you want this, then YOU need to earn more.

I don't think getting him not to mention it would work/ change his opinion/ is even a reasonable thing to do!

However his attitude is awful. YANBU about childcare, what is his solution?

And I indulge in the occasional luxury, but I am overall quite frugal. For example I don't recall the last time I spent full price when buying clothes, I get most things for my daughter used (and often myself too!), And I don't make big purchases without consulting him

Can you get a childminder instead of a nursery? An additional £400 for an extra day a week seems a massive hike in price.

Your dh's behaviour is absolutely awful, just really sexist and undermining.

Rather than getting angry and trying to ban him from saying it when you are not in the position to follow through on an ultimatum, I think you have to go with a dismissive "do you know how pathetic you sound when you say things like that?" Then disengage.

Hope the counselling helps until you are in a position to be able to tell him you will walk away and mean it.

I feel like most countries you are good for a work-based visa as long as you make over 2000-3000/month. And you make 5000.

How much longer before you can apply for ILR?

I had a financially controlling husband once. I tell you what solves the problem, getting shut of them, they actually then have to have their children once in a while, which leaves you far more time to make as much money as you want. I now make at least 4 times what he is earning. Maybe consider that approach...see how he likes them apples.

I earn 7k a year. Yes, per year.
Dh has never complained, despite the dc he is raising not even biologically being his!
Your dh sounds like a dick. On 60k a year I'd go it alone in your shoes!

Namechanged: I have about a year to go to apply for ILR

You should never have counselling with an abuser!
Please ensure when you first get in there you advise the counsellor that you are being financially and emotionally abused.
Start to write a diary of what he says and when and produce your proof when you need to.

I earn 50% less than you and although happy to accept hand me downs etc.... I could afford to buy my DD clothes 'new'
The more you write the worse this tosser sounds.

Laguna: we have only had one session together. He came away from it with the impression that the counselor believes I have my own serious emotional problems which I need to resolve. (She clarified in my individual session with her that this is incorrect)

I would watch out for his behaviour changing in the run up to that, as you won't be "dependent" on him any more.

He came away from it with the impression that the counselor believes I have my own serious emotional problems which I need to resolve.

He's gaslighting you.