To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

[dellacucina]

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

I actually used to earn more than him but he still referred to himself as the breadwinner and constantly suggested my income was unreliable since I hated my job

Oh ffs he really is massive arsehole. So we know what would happen if you did earn more.

The more you write about him the more delusional he sounds tbh.

Seriously what planet is he on? How does he actually think other men behave in other marriages? Does he think he’s different to everyone else?

He likes the money you bring in, but, at the same time, he doesn’t like the fact you’re not at home. This leaves him conflicted and insecure. Well he can’t have it both ways.

Tell him in no uncertain terms to put up or shut up. Either he is willing put his money where his mouth is and be the “oh great provider” - and by this I mean totally joint savings and you have full access to his “overspill” money as family money - or he can be proud of the fact you’re a working mum and show you some respect.

How old is his mother anyway? Has he no shame about using her as a savings vehicle?

At this point OP, you only have one child. Wait until you have a baby, plus another one in school. He will find that something has to give as you can’t just outsource everything. Nannies can’t always be relied on to do adequate homework support, or all the emotional and social issues that come with growing up. Money helps yes, but kids get more demanding and more expensive and it’s the way you support each other that makes the difference.

Lol we are planning a night away soon which would result in his mother 'only' looking after DD for 7 hours one day instead of the usual 9. Last night he was fretting over whether we will then be getting the full benefit of her help. I basically asked if he is insane.

Wow so many women on here have such shitty partners. Lots of them sound like they would like to be footloose and fancy free again rather than enjoying family life.

Have you tried talking to his mother about him? If she said she was finding 9 hours with a toddler too much, then what would he say? Or does she make excuses for his selfishness?

Just book the other nursery OP and do what you thinks best. If he kicks off, so what?

I think he does believe he is special and that other men are suckers.

His mother is a black box. There is no way I would be able to discuss him with her.

How old is his mother though? Does she seem tired after a day of DD?

He's special all right. Just not in the way he thinks.

I basically asked if he is insane. Certainly sounds like it! What was his reply?

I might try a left-field approach. Any results (not guaranteed obviously) would only be shortlived but it might be quite satisfying. When he's coming up with all this mad bollocks, just resort to a teenage "parental conflict management" technique:

"SHUT. UP."

NB: Don't prefix it with "why don't you just [shut up]" because he will no doubt tell you.

Seriously though, do you feel you have a long term plan in mind now? You at least have some self-awareness and acknowledge your imperfections. I fear his extraordinary intransigence though will always be a barrier.

Hes VERY impressed with himself, isnt he?

All I'm hearing is that you are another asset that hes trying to maximise, in the same way as he wanted to get the "full benefit" from his mum.
You're the equivalent of a fully-loaded train where all he can see is "hmm, can I add another carriage on the back of here to make more profit per trip before the engine breaks?"

You seem to be constantly working and making sacrifices in all kinds of ways to try and keep things ticking, what sacrifices would you say hes made for that? Bear in mind that "He works long hours to make more money" is not a sacrifice when hes choosing to do it, which results in you then having to do all the family work that hes not doing while he gets to strut around at work feeling like the Big Man.

What springs out at me is the fact that he doesn't put your DD's interests first. That money comes before everything, even that. DD is "yours" somehow, not his. And that's pretty shocking.

is everything else allright in your marriage other than this money issue?
i doubt it.

Stick with the counselling @della. Really good that he recognises that there's a problem and he is showing some willing there. Do nothing to put him off. Of course he's going to say the whole worlds wrong but he's right....but perhaps over the course of a few sessions, the message might get through. Personally I'd try and remove your MIL from the family dynamic completely now......this is just complicating matters and chucking in high level of emotional pulls. A couple like you, with plenty of cash resources can figure out a child care plan....it's a faff, but you can do that with a bit of effort and phone calls etc. It doesn't really matter whose money is spent on childcare ....if one of you is left skint, the other ones not going to be left homeless or unable to pay the gas bill are you?
Very best of luck to you. I hope your night away together is a good one. There has to be good reasons why you were drawn to this man ....try and find that person again if you can.

Zadig: his mother has explicitly said that the current schedule is a bit much for her. She is kind and selfless and doing it to help out while we 'need' it. She doesn't seem that tired at the end of the day (and if someone seems ok DH assumes they are) but obviously she must be if she is saying this. She is over 70.

StormTreader: I think you're spot on regarding DH's attitude.

Tinkobell: will do - thanks! And yes, I would like to get to a place where MIL isn't relied upon in this way, but instead can help a bit less and still enjoy some time with her granddaughter.

Don'tCallMe: this is all helping me to see that I need a long term plan, yes. I think you're right that his intransigence is the biggest potential barrier to getting things worked out, but I do want to give counselling etc a shot.

Being told by so many people that I am not being insanely unreasonable has made me feel a bit more empowered generally and as if I do need to put in place some milestone points, such as if we don't reach a better place by X date I should consider drastic action. The current situation is untenable.

What an absolute arsehole. You've both got a bloody good income. Who earns more in a partnership is utterly irrelevant. If you're partners, you're partners. My fella earns less than me, we both earn less than the national average in the UK. No way would I say huh, I earn more so I get more say, that would be utterly ridiculous. I'm so sorry he doesn't appreciate just how lucky you all are and get on with enjoying that. We have a very happy life on about £30k pa for our household.

Natalia: yes, it's a bit funny when we have these terrible, nasty arguments and I mention leaving, he always seems to assume I will take DD with me. My sense is that she is primarily my responsibility.

(and the suggestion is always that I would leave and he would keep our house, which he definitely thinks he has a greater right to as the one who has put more money into it)

His knowledge of family law's a bit lacking. You'd get at least half.

I'm really quite ashamed of myself reading this. Such a terrible thing to say to your partner.

I bet my life he’s not ashamed of anything he’s said or done to you.