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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

610 replies

dellacucina · 02/08/2018 10:19

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

OP posts:
cholka · 02/08/2018 12:47

The problem with earning a lot of money is no one tells you when you're being a twat. So rich people are more likely to be twats.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 12:48

Roundabout: I am sure he loves me and thinks of this as a partnership. Equally, I am sure he was careful to select a partner who met certain practical requirements

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 12:49

Cholka: I have told him he is being a twat! He just doesn't believe me

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 02/08/2018 12:50

People here seem to think he is a grade A abuser. Is this really that bad?

Yes. Emotional abuse thankfully is taken as seriously these days as physical abuse.

Winterbella · 02/08/2018 12:55

your both BU

Quartz2208 · 02/08/2018 12:57

OP look at what you have written that you think may put you in a bad light and make people think of you as a spoilt princess

I try very hard to protect myself and my time as I worry that he will steamroll over me otherwise.

Having opinions and thoughts and wanting people to respect them isnt being a spoilt princess. Neither is standing up for yourself and making you as worthy as him.

Im afraid it paints him in a worse light and actually I think shows the issues run quite deep. It also highlights how much he has gaslighted you into believing that to be true

What measures exist though to make childcare equal between the two of you cos it doesnt appear to be.

IwankaTramp · 02/08/2018 12:57

Dump the prick.

You will have more choice over your life and he can do half the childcare.

You are a professIonal person who can support themselves. You have no need to live with this bullshit.

Bluelady · 02/08/2018 12:59

Just to get back to practicalities, a different nursery is another £400 a month, does that equate to paying an au pair? If so, would a more convenient nursery negate the need for an au pair? If it works put the same, what's the problem?

He really is being abusive, the more you post, the more I wonder why on earth you married him. He must really have been on his best behaviour before the wedding and he let the mask drop.

Quartz2208 · 02/08/2018 13:00

OP I read your others threads and to be honest he is really that bad

heartsease68 · 02/08/2018 13:03

This includes reminding him on days like today that part of the deal when I agreed to have children was that we would have to take measures to ensure it didn't ruin my life (/our lives)

That does sound a bit princessy (because this issue is in no way ruining your life) and I can understand someone saying 'right well you do have to pay if you're going to play that card so casually'.

I really hope you didn't say that in front of your child.

birdonawire1 · 02/08/2018 13:05

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man?

Gooseygoosey12345 · 02/08/2018 13:05

He sounds like a dick. I'm not working atm so only OH's wage coming in and we still make financial decisions as a couple. In fact I just got a new car which he's paying for and it's never been thrown in my face that I don't earn the money to pay for it. I needed a car, so we got a car. Maybe you should start invoicing him for the home things that you do then he'll see how much you actually contribute to the family on more than a financial level

banivani · 02/08/2018 13:05

The more you write the worse his attitude sounds. I would argue that he thinks of your relationship as a partnership only because he gets to call all the shots. That's not a true partnership. He wants to be in charge.

unityandstruggle.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

MessyBun247 · 02/08/2018 13:07

You are in a very lucky financial position in that you can support yourself without him. Why are you with him? He sounds like an absolute tosser.

What do you like about him? He must have some good qualities that make you put up with all his shit. Don’t you think you would be happier on your own without someone like him dragging you down?

TatianaLarina · 02/08/2018 13:09

I don’t think that you should stop him from mentioning your salary. I think you should let him mention it as much as he likes because that will emphasises exactly what kind of person he is.

I’m all for making marriages work if possible but this he is just too bloody awful. I understand you need to keep the status quo until you can apply for ILR. I sincerely hope you’re successful and that once you’ve got it you can get out.

drspouse · 02/08/2018 13:10

I would watch out for his behaviour changing in the run up to that, as you won't be "dependent" on him any more.
This is a very good point.
Would you consider going back to your original country at all?

DontCallMeCharlotte · 02/08/2018 13:10

I think we need better name than cockwomble. Wombles are lovely and it sounds too much like a term of endearment.

Wankbadger?

DiegoMadonna · 02/08/2018 13:10

So many mumsnetters marry dickheads. Why??

AngkorWaat · 02/08/2018 13:10

OP he sounds awful. I think I’d rather be on my own (and I have been, in the past). I’m the higher earner between me and my DH and it’s never even occurred to me to talk to him like this. Bollocks to cooking for him every night, just for him to complain it takes too long! Wtf.

AmayaBuzzbee · 02/08/2018 13:11

OP, when the time comes for him to cook the holiday meal to all family, please make sure he will do all planning and shopping for it too.

cutitout · 02/08/2018 13:12

I am a SAHP and my husband never brings up that I don't earn. We are a partnership and that is how it works. I look after home and kid and he is able to go out work long hours. He does want me to do something instead of sitting home as he believes that mind gets rusty if it's not used :D I agree with him but I will take my time and do it when its convenient.

Your's doesn't sound like a partnership. Seems like he is competitive and is competing with you which is causing resentment in him. You earn a lot and I am pretty sure you can manage on your own.

IwankaTramp · 02/08/2018 13:15

Nothing ‘princessy’ ABOut demanding a parenting relationship on equal terms when you both are professional people.

Picking up the slack is what women have been programmed to do and it’s time it was snuffed out.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 13:16

Heartsease :( I did. She is one year old so I am very convinced she doesn't understand. I would never say something like that in front of her if I thought she could. I love her more than anything.

Separately, I am quite concerned about the effect these fights will have on her - mummy and daddy shouting etc.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 02/08/2018 13:16

So many mumsnetters marry dickheads. Why??

For MNers read women. It’s a combination of low expectations, and the over abundance of dickheads.

crazylikesundaymorning · 02/08/2018 13:19

When me and DH met he was a post grad student on about 4k a year and I was working earning about £15k (but this was early 1990's so that was decent wage), since then we have initially both worked on similar wage, then we moved for DH's job and I took a sideways move and he earned a bit more than me. Then we had kids and I went p/t whilst DH got promoted so he earned a lot more than me. Now I have been diagnosed with a degenerative illness and have had to give up work and am on benefits (about 5k a year) whilst DH earns about £45K.

Throughout all of these ups and downs neither of us has ever dreamed of criticising the other for their earnings (or lack of). We're a team and our money is family money. We both contribute to the best of our abilities and in the way we've jointly decided is best for our family. For example I could probably have struggled on with p/t work for a couple more years but tiredness was impacting on my ability to parent so we both agreed to take the financial hit and for me to give up work so I could use my energies with our kids.

I know it's sometimes hard for DH when his colleagues talk about foreign holidays and new cars etc as he does a pressurised job but lives a fairly frugal lifestyle as the only wage-earner in the family. However he would never dream of blaming me for this and it'd definitely be a deal breaker for me if he did. I'm sorry you're stuck with such a twat.