To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

[dellacucina]

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

Please take the Freedom Program run by Womens Aid. Theres a book, and you can do it online.

You earn double the national average wage. No one who loved you or respected you would use it as a stick to beat you with.

I'm a higher earner than my DH and I would never DREAM of thinking or suggesting that I should have more control over financial decisions or telling him that if he wants to be an equal partner he has to earn more. We're a family and that means that we make decisions about our financial wellbeing together.

I think your DH is behaving appallingly. If he won't accept that you're equal players in your marriage regardless of your earnings, I would seriously be questioning whether that was something I child live with.

Well, he sounds lovely. Has he always been like this? What did you find attractive enough to want to marry him in the first place? Is there a decent man somewhere inside?

He sounds like a materialistic twat. You earn three times the amount I do, yet I wouldn't be bothered as I like my job and quality of life. God knows what he'd think of my salary. He sounds incredibly shallow. Has he always earned that much? He could do with a dose of reality!

*could live with

does he earn 200k plus as it’s a bit weird he thinks 3.5k take home is paltry?

I refute that you would find it harder as a single parent. "Shouldn't complain"?? Errr what about being in a partnership and being able to debate/discuss what's best for your family? He's sounds revolting.

Many of these meals take 45 minutes or less to prepare and we often have leftovers. He insists that normal people don't spend this much time preparing food and that I waste lots of time. As a normal person, with far more cookbooks than the Prime Minister, I spend more than 45 minutes at times cooking. I enjoy it.

Your (d)h needs a reality check. Normal people don't eat ready meals all the time as they are expensive. Normal people with kids cook, so they know what is going into their kids. Good food takes time and effort.

Seriously. I would rather live on my own than with someone who values me so little.
Presumably you could have a nice life on your salary plus 20 per cent of his.

Badtime: tbf he does help around the house a lot. He is a control freak and has certain things he likes to handle. We also have a cleaner.

Greenfingers: I love cooking and am the better cook. He recently has said that he should cook more, I think because he wants to show how unreasonable I am. We had a massive fight when he invited his family for lunch at Easter and he said I was insanely unreasonable to make such an elaborate spread (leg of lamb, roast potatoes, Panna cotta, and some simple veg, I forget what). He was quite put out that I asked him to look after our daughter in the morning while I prepared it. He has announced he will make the next holiday meal to see if I am right that it really just takes a long time to make a roast dinner.

Wow. That sounds ghastly. I am in a similar position to you (DH and I work in the same field; I work part-time and earn £75k, while he is full-time and earns about double what I do - set to increase in future). I do tend to discuss big purchases with DH (e.g. I spent £200 on a handbag last week and checked he was happy with that budget before I went shopping), because I am very conscious of the income gap between us, but he always makes it clear that it's our money and that my contributions to our life together aren't just financial.

Your relationship sounds very unhappy. It doesn't sound like your DH likes and respects you much, or values your non-financial contributions to the family home. Is it an otherwise happy marriage?

I genuinely think you two would benefit from some counselling as a couple, to get an outside perspective?

YANBU and have come up with some very valid points, e.g. I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

If I were in your situation, I would actually send him an non-emotional email stating your points of view and ask him to genuinely consider his responses. Obviously this sounds way too businesslike for a normal situation but if this is how he views your relationship, perhaps play him at his own game (I have resolved plenty of arguments using this method ).

As a last resort, show him this thread!

He sounds like my ex. There are very good reasons why we're not together any more.

We got together as graduates and he went into a lucrative line of work while I went into a less well paid one that I actually liked. He kept bringing it up - even when I'd just had a £10k payrise - and tried to tell me that I should be doing all the housework because I earned less.

Less than a year after we broke up I was offered a job earning as much as he had ever earned while we were together. I don't miss him one bit - the salary moans were symptomatic of other areas in which the relationship was lacking.

OP. Sadly you have married an idiot.

He sounds unreasonable. When I went to work in a new pt role after DC1, DH didn’t even mention that my earnings barely covered childcare as he knew I wanted the job.

This is so awful 60k is most people really high salary - you are married to an arse who is financially abusive

Joint accounts/sharing etc

And I have to say I just wrote that earning more does not make you better (and that was for a SAHM)

Honestly you would be better as a single parent

Columbia: ha, you've got me! He basically can walk all over me I guess. I don't really know what recourse I have.

@dellcucina thanks for replying.

He has announced he will make the next holiday meal to see if I am right that it really just takes a long time to make a roast dinner.

Keep us posted on this one!!!

He sounds like a materialistic twat. You earn three times the amount I do, yet I wouldn't be bothered as I like my job and quality of life. God knows what he'd think of my salary. He sounds incredibly shallow. Has he always earned that much? He could do with a dose of reality!

This. He sounds extremely unappealing.

I’d stop doing his cooking as well.

He sounds worse and worse with each update. How can you stand to live with such a petty, controlling, miserly twat? You would be so much better off on your own.

Tell your husband that from now on you will be invoicing him for the domestic work and childcare you do at your professional hourly rate, and then your disposable income will be equal to his. Problem solved.

He basically can walk all over me I guess.

Yep.

And he knows it.

And he will continue to do so.

What you say, what you feel, what you think don't matter to him. He is the important one and that is not going to change.

You would be so much better off out of this situation. Being second best day in, day out will take it's toll.

No amount of money is worth that.

Does be do any of the childcare drop offs/pick ups? Does he know how much of a pain it is?

No, he can't walk all over you, unless you let him. We only have a limited picture here of your whole life together BUT you earn an excellent salary and were you to leave him, would get a substantial CMS payment. You can afford to leave him, if you want to. From the things you have said, I would mot want to live with that nor for my DD to see her DF treat me with such little respect. It is from her DF that she learns how she should be treated in a relationship. He is belittling you and undermining yout worth. Are these things you want your DD to internalise about how she should be treated in her future relationships?

I agree with PPs that, at the very least, he needs a wake up call. His insinuations that you would not cope as a single parent are purely to try to control you. I'd suggest you prove him wrong with a trial separation and a claim for maintenance.

He sounds like a cock Womble