To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

[dellacucina]

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

he's either got notable narcissistic traits, a misogynist or both. His underlying attitude is he wants the perfect looking family and to go as he chooses and it's all about HIS money. He doesn't want to spend his money supporting you and DD that's your job as the woman...

Why would you be ashamed?

So he’s not only like this towards you, but his mother and DD too. Wow.

If his DM has said it’s too much for her to have DD once a week then the arrangement needs to stop sharpish. You have other good alternatives easily available to you. DH is very unreasonable not to be on board with a change for his mother and DD’s benefit. Given that he is U you need to step up for all the women in the family.

Why threaten to leave him when you have no intention of doing so? Counterproductive and won’t make him change his attitudes or behaviour.

Don’t be a fool about the house: in the highly likely event of a breakup you will need your fair share of marital assets, not least for DD.

Bluelady: because I doubt anything positive or productive can come out of threatening to leave one's partner. Arguably this in itself is abusive.

Tatiana: it's hard to say. He always defends his own behaviour but it is possible that he sometimes does feel bad on reflection.

I just think I need to be honest with myself on what I have done to contribute to the breakdown of my marriage.

As a more general point, no one is perfect and I probably could do more to just ignore him when I think he is being inconsiderate etc rather than blowing up.

(And even if I seem to be too amenable now, I think it's an attitude I will need to adopt for the time being regardless due to the ILR issue.)

I just think I need to be honest with myself on what I have done to contribute to the breakdown of my marriage.

I think you have to be honest with yourself that no woman on this thread could make a marriage work with your DH.

Whatever you do or say you will be in the wrong because that’s where he wants you.

Many women in your situation throw themselves under a bus (metaphorically speaking) in order to avoid the truth that their husband is a complete arsehole.

I’ve no doubt you have faults, we all do. But even a saint couldnt put up with your DH’s behaviour and I doubt that any of your faults contribute significantly to why this relationship is not working.

And even if I seem to be too amenable now, I think it's an attitude I will need to adopt for the time being regardless due to the ILR issue.

I have to agree with you there. And while I suggested upthread that if you’re going to try to work on the marriage, which you seem to want to do, the time to do it is now while you’re treading water waiting for residency. OTOH there’s much to be said for just keeping your head down and letting things wash over you until you can break free.

I couldn’t ignore my husbands inconsiderateness personally, but luckily it’s not something I really have deal with. If I were going to try to stay in marriage I’d have to tackle it every time it happened, if I were leaving anyway I’d just think fuck it.

I think being amenable to avoid a blow up and then bringing up the facts at counselling is worth a try! He can't accuse you of being over emotional etc and you can prioritise changing the things that have the biggest impact on your life.

You were clear about your reservations at having a child and one solution to move nurseries that would have a massive positive impact on your life he is refusing in direct opposition to his assurance he would do what was needed so you would agree to have a child with him.

Long term unless he has an epiphany it will need to end for your sanity but making it as pleasant as possible until you have leave to remain is essential.

I wonder what kind of job pays 60K and isn't stressful? people get completely twatted at work for much less ...

Your husband sounds awful, the kind who equates equality with a salary number. And you say, he wonders why cooking a meal takes 45 min. Ffs, he should pay attention to how other people live.

I used to be in a relationship where my partner implied it isn't equal because I earned less than he did, and that I'm somewhat financially dependant (and not a proper modern woman who wants a career and earns the same amount as her man), and it didn't feel good.

as to the point: he should foot the 5day childcare bill. And cook a dinner for YOU, from time to time, 45 min or longer.

Sorry you're married to such a twat. One of my colleagues' husbands shared your DH's views. They are getting divorced now.