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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband never to bring up how much money I make ever again?

610 replies

dellacucina · 02/08/2018 10:19

Between us, my husband and I earn a very good living. I make about £60k before tax and I have a very flexible job. He makes over £100k.

My husband seems to believe that I have a duty to make as much money as possible and he loves to throw this in my face when it suits him - he basically suggests he has more say over our family financial decisions than I do because he makes more.

This morning we had a terrible row about childcare. We currently only do a 4 day nursery week and the nursery is very annoying to get to, plus this creates stress because I work a 5 day week and we fill the gap with help from his elderly mother (who tires easily and probably allows us to take advantage of her a bit) and an au pair (though we don't currently have one). I would prefer to move to a closer nursery for 5 days a week. This would cost about £400 more net per month. This would basically have no bearing on our quality of life.

I have forbidden him from bringing up my salary, which he considers to be absolutely paltry. But he again brought this up today - not in the context of 'well, we need to consider our finances in the round', but 'if you're going to demand such unreasonable childcare arrangements, then YOU need to make more money!'

Am I being unreasonable about childcare?

Is it unreasonable to expect to be treated as an equal partner even though I make less money? Even with our extra help, I am the main caregiver for our DD (whom i adore - so I don't want a higher paid stressful job), so i offer noneconomic value to the relationship.

Btw I am completely aware that we are very fortunate and I would never say otherwise! I just find it frustrating to live with someone who seems to believe we are in the poorhouse and can't spend some extra money to improve our lives

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 11:02

Sunlighthouse: he does the dropoff. He was desperate to get an au pair so he could divest himself of this responsibility. But during this time when we don't have one, we are both back to our respective nursery delivery duties

OP posts:
NameChangedAgain18 · 02/08/2018 11:04

I earn the same as you OP. By very far the best thing about earning that salary is the knowledge that I do not need to be with my husband. I can leave and cope very well on my own. As it happens, I do want to be with him, but any hint of being a second-class citizen in my own marriage and I have the means to leave. You are actually in a decent position and do not need to put up with being treated so disrespectfully. What sort of message is it for your daughter to see that a professional woman who contributes fully in every way to the household is lesser than her husband?

Travis1 · 02/08/2018 11:05

I couldn't live like this and it would be a deal breaker for me. I really do think you should seriously consider your options. Whether you argue back or not this is still not the relationship you want to be showing your daughter.

Ragwort · 02/08/2018 11:05

I find it hard to understand how a (very) well paid, professional woman can remain in a relationship like this?

What exactly do you get from living like this?

My DH and I have shared all financial assets since we married, I barely earn a fifth of what he earns but he has never and would never comment on the fact. How do you allow yourself to be treated so disrespectfully when you clearly have the financial means to support yourself and your DD?

I have volunteered with vulnerable women in the past and fully understand how difficult it is to leave someone when you have no income, no assets and would face a life in a bed sit on benefits (if you were lucky Sad) but this is clearly not the case for you. If this was your DD being treated like this what advice would you give her?

ShovingLeopard · 02/08/2018 11:06

He is incredibly shallow, money-obsessed and mean, isn't he? And full of scorn for you, by the sound of it.

How can you put up with it? How would life look with at least 50% of the equity (probably more), plus the best part of £5k per month to live off (your salary plus his maintenance), AND not having to deal with his whingeing, pick up after him etc? Sound good? Go see a solicitor and find out what you could get.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/08/2018 11:08

Jeez - he sounds like a right cock!
I'm not sure why you are still with him or what you see in him.
I was a single parent for many years with not support / maintenance from my DD dad and I earn less than you and I managed.
Surely life is too short for this kind of shit!?

Just looking at child maintenance.
If you have 2 kids he'd probably have to pay you around £950 per month (if he has them 1-2 nights per week)
Seriously, surely you are better off away from this dick-head?

YeTalkShiteHen · 02/08/2018 11:09

You’d find it harder as a single mum?

Not on the CMS you’d get off his apparently godlike salary Grin

thedevilinablackdress · 02/08/2018 11:10

He sounds like an unpleasant arsehole.
You'd manage fine on your own with your salary. Plus child maintenance.

Bezm · 02/08/2018 11:11

I'm afraid that this is a man who is only motivated by money. He measures success through his wallet. You're earning more than double the average salary, and he's trying to make you feel worthless. You have 2 choices: stay with him and watch your DD turn into him as an adult, plus be miserable in your marriage, or leave with your DD, your high salary and your pride intact. Yes, you won't have the same lifestyle that you currently have, but you will still have a much better lifestyle than many women.

NataliaOsipova · 02/08/2018 11:16

I would find things much harder as a single mom so I should not complain

And he'd be a lot worse off as a divorced dad which, from what you say, would really hurt him..... Beware money obsessed men.

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 11:16

I actually depend on DH for my visa, so there are very practical reasons not to leave.

My hope is also that we can work things out somehow. We are now going to counseling at my insistence.

But the longer this goes on, the more I worry that the relationship is not salvageable.

OP posts:
dogfish1 · 02/08/2018 11:17

Chap here. I don't know the full background, but at first glance he sounds like an A grade dickhead who has no idea how lucky he is to have a wife earning a very good salary and contributing in other ways too. Rather than making him more relaxed, which he can well afford to be, wealth has helped make him a tosser.

LoveInTokyo · 02/08/2018 11:20

Sounds like you need some immigration advice too. Does your child have British citizenship? If so, surely you should be able to stay in the UK even if you split up with your husband. How long have you been in the UK?

FatToni · 02/08/2018 11:20

He sounds like an arsehole.

And tbh op, I don't think innate arsehole-iness can be counselled out of you.

I would start preparing to leave if I were you.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 02/08/2018 11:21

I actually depend on DH for my visa, so there are very practical reasons not to leave.

That's a bugger. Will there come a point in the future when you will get a visa/citizenship/residency in your own right?

Good luck with the counselling.

GreenMeerkat · 02/08/2018 11:21

I've always been under the impression that once you are married and have a family your become a team financially and it's not about 'I earn this, you earn that', but this is the 'family income'. I work part time and earn considerably less than my DH but I effectively control the family finances as I am better with money and it suits him to do it that way. The point is, he's is not seeing you as a partnership and using his higher earnings as a means of 'power', over you, which is worrying.

YeTalkShiteHen · 02/08/2018 11:22

I actually depend on DH for my visa, so there are very practical reasons not to leave

And from the sounds of it he knows it too. He’s awful OP, absolutely awful.

SunnyCoco · 02/08/2018 11:23

Once contempt has been displayed , counselling cannot recover the relationship

Original poster
dellacucina · 02/08/2018 11:23

LoveinTokyo: the current anti-immigrant policies mean it would be quite difficult and expensive to change my visa status. I could apply to stay as family to my daughter but it would restart my time clock to get leave to remain, which I am loath to do.

OP posts:
sexnotgender · 02/08/2018 11:23

So essentially he thinks he’s better than you because he earns more?
I’m sorry I couldn’t live with someone who thought that.
Until very recently I earned virtually double what my husband earned. That fact has no bearing on anything in our relationship except I ensured the bill pot is split so I contribute double what he does.

Childrenofthesun · 02/08/2018 11:24

He sounds like he isn't aware how privileged he is. I earn half what my partner earns and our joint income is 60k. We lead a nice, non-luxurious life on that. DH is aware I earn less than him and makes sure he takes on the lion's share of bills etc so that we both have a similar level of disposable income. Financial decisions like childcare are based on a combination of cost and what works for our family.

I average an hour to cook the evening meal - more when I have more time, but almost never less than 30 minutes. He lives in a bubble and doesn't sound like he has any interest in looking outside it.

sexnotgender · 02/08/2018 11:25

The visa thing is a bugger, my husband is non-EU and visas are an absolute pain.

GahWhatever · 02/08/2018 11:25

Some of the logistics of being a single parent are more cumbersome.
As you earn a good wage and are unlikely to be financially struggling, you may well find that the freedom to make choices for your child and your home plus the removal of that everyday resentment from your headspace will make your life a good deal better.
Certainly when I separated back in the mid-90s I felt very much happier almost immediately because all that daily negativity was suddenly lifted.

YeTalkShiteHen · 02/08/2018 11:26

God I hate this fucking government. It shouldn’t be this hard for you OP.

wombat1a · 02/08/2018 11:28

Well I see why you are upset but the flip side is what right to do have to demand he can't bring it up? I think you are both BU, him for using it against you and you for demands he never talks about it. At 160k a year you both should grow up and act as if you are worth that sort of salaries.