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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To risk my marriage and give up work?

198 replies

GreenYogaFrog · 01/08/2018 17:19

DH earns a decent salary. I earn £10k pa less than him but mine is still considered a decent salary (especially for where we live). We have a household income of around £60k. No debts, no kids, low monthly mortgage (under £500 a month) so we're very comfortable.

The problem is im not coping. I went into a career I should never have gone into. I'm no good at it. I'm no good with people. I'm no good at making decisions. I have social anxiety and border line personality disorder. I cut corners to cope. I'm disorganised and stuff doesn't get done. I'm under the care of a psychiatrist but the mental health services are shit and I was basically given a prescription for quetiapine and sent on my merry way. Never seen them since. I have been thinking for a while now that it's only a matter of time before I make a massive mistake at work. Today, it happened and the consequences were as bad as you can possibly imagine.
I feel sick with stress. I can't cope, I shouldn't be doing this job. I know that more than anyone but nobody cares.

Luckily I'm only on a casual contract so can work when I want. I can quit tomorrow with no ill effects. I can't quit tomorrow and start again next month, that's how flexible it is.

DH however, will not hear of it and says we should be equal partners in our marriage. If I quit my job, chances are he will either divorce me or make it very clean that his feelings towards me will change drastically.

But I can't do this anymore. I would love to work from home or work with animals but there doesn't seem to be any way into that path.

AIBU to quit my job anyway, for my own sanity? Financially we would be fine.

OP posts:

Palava57 · 01/08/2018 17:22

Would working part time be an option?
While researching skills, experience or qualifications for work you’d like to do.

ILoveMyMonkey · 01/08/2018 17:22

AIBU to quit my job anyway, for my own sanity?

No YANBU and if he truly loves you then he should be doing everything in his power to help and support you with your mental health and if that is a change in career or having time out of work for a while to recover then so be it!

Theonlywayisscotland · 01/08/2018 17:23

I don’t think I would want to be married to someone that would want to see me suffering in this way. Could you suggest quitting your job with an intent to return to work in a few months time, so he knows you plan on going back and it’s not forever?

Put your mental health first, if you got so low that you actually couldn’t cope at all and were ill with depression, would he be any more sympathetic then? Take charge of the situation now while you are strong enough.

Borris · 01/08/2018 17:23

Hmmm it’s difficult. I’m assuming he’s on 35k and you’re on 25k. So quitting work would make quite a difference to finances.

But if it’s makkng you ill then you can’t continue like that either. Can you change jobs so you are still bringing in some money, even if it is less.

I think your dh is unreasonable threatening divorce but being the sole provider is stressful too. Does he enjoy his work? Is his work secure?

mimibunz · 01/08/2018 17:24

Definitely quit your job. But be prepared for your husband’s reaction. You only get this one life.

LannieDuck · 01/08/2018 17:25

There's a difference between stopping work entirely, and changing careers. The first, YABU. The second, YANBU.

It's clear you're talking about the second, and I think any loving partner would support you retraining into a new role that made you happier.

Bizzylizzyloo · 01/08/2018 17:25

YANBU and your DH is not being reasonable. I understand him not wanting to be the sole breadwinner because it would put a huge strain on him but there are many jobs you could do that sound suit you better.

I think it's fair for him to ask you not to quit your job without something else lined up, but there is nothing stopping you from making the relevant enquiries and finding an alternative job that doesn't cause you so much stress. Once something else is in the pipeline he can't expect you to stay in a job that is making you ill.

Original poster

GreenYogaFrog · 01/08/2018 17:28

I could go down to two days a week. But even that, it's so much the physical aspect of the job it's the mental side of it, the concentration, the organisation, the decision making - I just can't do it.

I'd love to do something artistic from home, even painting and decorating, interior design, animal care - anything like that, I'd love to write but these types of jobs don't earn money and that's his main concern.

OP posts:

Happygoldfinch · 01/08/2018 17:29

Quetiapine? That is sooooo strong - you must be trying to work whilst feeling sedated beyond all reason (although the sedative effects, I believe, wear off after a while).
Are you sure you are not feeling extra raw today because of the mistake? I know I respond terribly to my own mistakes, replaying them over and over and imagining what people would be saying (although in reality I don't think I'm that much of an interest to my colleagues). I have made some bad decisions in response to making a mistake and based on my subsequent low self-esteem.
Have you thought about re-training? New courses are starting in September. If you're comfortable on just DH's salary, then you could gain a qualification in something that will enable you to access a more solitary career. However, tuition won't be cheap... but it might be a way of getting out of a job you hate whilst demonstrating to DH that you still want to contribute.
You sound really unhappy and I feel for you, but there will be ways through

Original poster

GreenYogaFrog · 01/08/2018 17:31

This wasn't just a mistake, it really was as bad as you can possibly imagine.
I would love to retrain in something else.

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 01/08/2018 17:32

Of course you can’t continue like this.
If you had a brood of children and no other options then you could think about continuing, but as it is you can stop work and consider your options. He should be backing you up and finding ways to support you.
Is looking at a career change an option? Could you cope in a job better suited to you?
People marry for better or worse don’t they? If you had a physical illness he might see it differently, why do mh issues not get seen in the same light.
Sorry this is so disjointed, I’m busy but wanted to reply.

Bizzylizzyloo · 01/08/2018 17:34

I think his concern about money is reasonable. It would make a huge difference to your finances if you weren't earning, and you're essentially asking him to provide for you. That's a huge responsibility on his part. I like my job and it pays well but if my DH said he was planning to permanently stop work (rather than have a break, re-train or find a more suitable one) I would struggle to be supportive.

There are many other careers that will be more suitable for you - your husband should be helping to support you in finding something that doesn't make you ill.

Orchidflower1 · 01/08/2018 17:35

Sorry you’re feeling so unwell. Your health should always come first- your dh should see that. Have you told him his attitude is making it worse ?

Racecardriver · 01/08/2018 17:35

I your place I would quit. Find a more suitable job. And them leave him. If you have children together the situation will likely deteriorate into finacial abuse.

OftenHangry · 01/08/2018 17:35

Can you change a career? There is so many different fuelds some must suit you. 25k is a massive amount of money to miss in a budget.

ittakes2 · 01/08/2018 17:36

You should find another job and then quit the one you have. That’s what people tend to do. What if your hubby wanted to quit his job - would that be ok or would it be different for him.

Bizzylizzyloo · 01/08/2018 17:36

The other thing is that if your mental health is such that you can't work, is there any possibility of DLA? I know that's far from a quick fix solution but it might be worth considering if it's an option.

PositiveProton · 01/08/2018 17:36

I quit my full time job because it was making me crazy and I started doing freelance work - but it was easy for me to get regular work. So essentially, I had a fairly reliable income lined up. My husband would have freaked out at the thought of him being the main breadwinner.

You can eventually earn money by working for yourself at home, but a lot of people start doing that as a side hustle whilst still working full or part time. You don't earn much at first when you have your own business and if your business does start making more money, that's when you can make it your full time gig.

I would say, start researching new jobs and then applying for as many as possible. When you have a new job and regular income, start looking into your own project/dream.

SongforSal · 01/08/2018 17:36

No offence. But your DP sounds like a twatt. Your health, regardless of physical or mental is the most important thing. He won't be honoring his side of the partnership not to support you when you need it.

Original poster

GreenYogaFrog · 01/08/2018 17:37

I don't want to sit at home all day watching tv (although I'm sure that's how he'll see it) - I want to work and earn, I just can't do this anymore. It's not me, it's not safe, it's not working. I've been shit at it since I started but because there is a huge shortage of staff in my job, nobody cares that I'm shit at it, as long as I do it.

I'm desperate to work from home. I can't cope with people. I never have been able to. One on one yes, but not a team, not multiple colleagues and members of the public. This job is probably the worst career I could have gone into. I don't even know how it happened.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 01/08/2018 17:38

The problem is he sees this as you becoming his dependant and he doesnt want to carry the burden.

My Ex SIL quit her job due to it stressing her without telling my brother. She came home one day and said she'd resigned. He was not happy.

She was making money with an online business...but it wasn't guaranteed income.

He later divorced her and while this wasn't the main reason...he said it was one if the reasons.

His point is that his job was stressful too...but they had bills...a mortgage and kids....so quitting wasn't an option.

Merryoldgoat · 01/08/2018 17:38

I’m not being harsh, but seriously, how bad? People dying?

I’m an accountant and used to have a stressful job with lots of deadlines etc and if I missed one (rate but did happen) all hell would break loose - for about 10 minutes. Then it was on to the next thing. Some of my colleagues would have migraines with stress over it and be in tears. Others like me were ok.

Is this more your perception of how bad it is or is it really that bad? Because if it’s the former you really need help to stop catastrophising.

Regarding your husband, he’s very cruel to say what he has if you can manage financially but I do understand him wanting you to work. However, in this situation I would be encouraging my partner to retrain into something they wanted to do. I think he’s unreasonable and his behaviour would make me feel differently about him.

campion · 01/08/2018 17:40

Remind him of the promises he, presumably,made: the ones which include..'love,cherish,support,respect,difficult times as well as happy times'...and variations on that theme. Doesn't matter if it was a civil or religious marriage,those concepts are stated.

As a married couple you should be a team,giving each other the respect and support that you each need. He evidently equates it to two small children having the same number of sweets each or 'it's not fair'.

I'm afraid he sounds selfish.

SandyY2K · 01/08/2018 17:40

Any chance you can be redeployed to another role eith your employer?

Do you have an occupational health service?

Tomatoes100 · 01/08/2018 17:40

Do you get sick pay, if so take some time off sick and find a new job.

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