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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To risk my marriage and give up work?

198 replies

GreenYogaFrog · 01/08/2018 17:19

DH earns a decent salary. I earn £10k pa less than him but mine is still considered a decent salary (especially for where we live). We have a household income of around £60k. No debts, no kids, low monthly mortgage (under £500 a month) so we're very comfortable.

The problem is im not coping. I went into a career I should never have gone into. I'm no good at it. I'm no good with people. I'm no good at making decisions. I have social anxiety and border line personality disorder. I cut corners to cope. I'm disorganised and stuff doesn't get done. I'm under the care of a psychiatrist but the mental health services are shit and I was basically given a prescription for quetiapine and sent on my merry way. Never seen them since. I have been thinking for a while now that it's only a matter of time before I make a massive mistake at work. Today, it happened and the consequences were as bad as you can possibly imagine.
I feel sick with stress. I can't cope, I shouldn't be doing this job. I know that more than anyone but nobody cares.

Luckily I'm only on a casual contract so can work when I want. I can quit tomorrow with no ill effects. I can't quit tomorrow and start again next month, that's how flexible it is.

DH however, will not hear of it and says we should be equal partners in our marriage. If I quit my job, chances are he will either divorce me or make it very clean that his feelings towards me will change drastically.

But I can't do this anymore. I would love to work from home or work with animals but there doesn't seem to be any way into that path.

AIBU to quit my job anyway, for my own sanity? Financially we would be fine.

OP posts:
HannahHut · 01/08/2018 17:53

Sorry but I think it's unfair of you to just quit and start your dream job working from home doing art or writing as you want to. Your DP is right that you are a partnership. Just because he earns more doesn't mean he should have to be relied upon. Maybe he doesn't lovw his job but still does it to earn.

However, if you are so unhappy maybe you could come to an agreement to retrain while you are still working (if possible), if not then leave and retrain if you are both happy with that decision. Can't say I'd be happy if I became the sole earner while my DP quit to work at home. Sorry op.

shoelaces · 01/08/2018 17:55

I've been in a similar situation, due to health reasons I was not capable anymore of my old job. But I was stubborn and kept at it, doing it badly for 5 years. I was made redundant, and I know it's a cliche, but it really was the best thing to happen to me.

Some things happen to you, but most happen because of you. Yes, you are in the wrong job. Only you can change that. It's reasonable that your DH wants to be married to someone who works to.

Your health prevents you from carrying on in this job. It's up to you to decide what else you are going to do. You can't wait for an opportunity to come to you, you have to make your own opportunities.

I now run my own business successfully and with my health needs accommodated perfectly. You sound like you are potentially a freelance contractor which would have many transferable skills. Start focusing on what you can do. Not what you can't.

AdoraBell · 01/08/2018 17:55

Agree with Bezm, and if you do get signed off spend that time researching what you could do from. Personally I would be looking for something to support myself and say Adios to someone as selfish and unsupportive as your DH.

Original poster
GreenYogaFrog · 01/08/2018 17:55

I don't get sick pay as I'm on a casual contract.

I can't go into what has happened but it's not about money. It really is as bad as you can get and you'd be surprised by how much stuff like this gets brushed under the carpet in my job.

I haven't necassarily done anything "wrong" but a massive error of judgement and lack of experience on my part has led to a huge consequence towards someone else. And yes, it REALY is as bad as you can imagine.

I've been told not to worry about it. But I feel sick at what I've done. I can't even begin to describe it.

OP posts:
rwalker · 01/08/2018 17:56

Massive drop in income and life style .Being the sole breadwinner is horendous all there pressure is on you to support the household .I can see why he is pissed off . You need to have a plan to change jobs something you find more manageable. You say finically you will be fine but you will have about £1600 less a month coming in surely that will have an effect . I'm the main earner in our house dw works 2 days over the years missed out on various promotions as had to stay in current role with overtime to boost income at times I hate my job and feel trapped in it due to being main earner but you just have to suck it up . Have a plan to retrain or get different job but don't just leave and expect oh to have to keep you

petrolpump28 · 01/08/2018 17:56

sleep on it.

sporadicrains · 01/08/2018 17:56

If you are on the verge of a breakdown due to your job, then you have to put your health first, and your DH should be 100% behind you, and support you all the way. It is no different from any other illness.

I honestly can't understand his attitude, and I suspect that it is also contributing to the strain you are under.

Have you spoken to a doctor? Perhaps they could sign you off for a couple of weeks.

BlingLoving · 01/08/2018 17:57

I think if you need the money, you might have to carry on. If as a couple you think you could live without your salary for a while, then you could stop. either way, I think it's reasonable for DH to want you to do something and to contribute financially. But for him to point blank refuse to let you retrain or do something different is just mean. And why do you have to contribute "equally" from a financial point of view? If he contributes more financially, your increased contribution can be elsewhere - as long as you're both happy with the total income you receive as a family.

What happens when you do have kids one day? Will he expect you to continue to contribute 50% while your'e also on maternity leave? A good marriage should have ebbs and flows. A good friend of mine gave up her highly paid city job to retrain as a teacher. It was a big financial step back for them. But her DH told me that he had been so worried about her mental health while she worked in banking and she was so much happier as a teacher that any financial sacrifice was entirely worth it. Their holidays have become much less flashy. They eat out less. They drive less nice cars... and they are 100% happier.

bouquetdiva · 01/08/2018 18:00

Did you mention this to your DH before you got married?

glintandglide · 01/08/2018 18:01

But he’s not going to be happier, and his opinion matters too. To all those sayingLTB how can she? She needs him to pay for her career break

OrdinarySnowflake · 01/08/2018 18:02

What qualifications, skills and experience do you have? Would he support you to retrain into something else, if it meant that long term he wasn't the only wage? (Being the only breadwinner for 1/2 years that's fixed is different to 'forever').

People on here can help you find other ideas, but you do need some time off sick and to go to the GP - you need different meds.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/08/2018 18:02

I just wonder how much better your mental health would be not married to this man. He doesn’t sound supportive. Does he understand how bad it is for you? Has he supported you in other ways?

Slimmingsnake · 01/08/2018 18:02

Get your doctor to sign you off sick for a while ,give you some breathing space

OftenHangry · 01/08/2018 18:03

I think that before we all judge the DH we should all consider that we don't know HOW op presented it to him. Amongst other things.

Op I think you romanticised working from home a bit. You will always have to communicate with people, you will always have deadlines and you will allways have to do top job. You would just add to it a stress of taxes, finding clients, managing everything by yourself.
It's hard to be your own boss.

MatildaTheCat · 01/08/2018 18:04

Can you take a week or two off ( unpaid but you’ll be unpaid anyway if you resign) to quietly consider your options and formulate a plan? Nobody should be forced to stick at a job that they hate but you will get a better reception from your DH if you have a solid plan.

Many people do make a modest living in the areas you mention but obviously you need the skills and start up costs.

placebobebo · 01/08/2018 18:04

Look for jobs that you have transferable skills for that aren't as full on. Look to go part time so you could retrain as well. Or look for a full time position better suited to your strengths and weaknesses.
Start by listing your job description. Your strengths and weaknesses at this job and then in general.
Write what you would like as a job description and then go look online as it will concentrate your outlook.
Perhaps you could sign up to an agency and go that route.

OftenHangry · 01/08/2018 18:05

Can you at least say a field you are in now? Doesn't have to be an exact job. Just the field

glintandglide · 01/08/2018 18:05

Often I agree. Many years ago my DH quit his job because he couldn’t handle it (he was also suffering from anxiety) we couldn’t particularly afford it (as in, we were going to struggle but not go bankrupt) so many people, including his friends, told me to LTB for quitting when he knew I wasn’t happy to be the sole Earner. We got through it but it’s still poor behaviour.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 01/08/2018 18:06

Sign up with a temp agency etc and move jobs rather than just quit. Having some vague idea of working from home yet no contacts, plan etc is madness.

You say you will manage financially but what you mean is your husband will have to pay for everything and he's been very clear he doesn't want to be the sole earner. That's fine, I'd not want to do that either as I expect a partner to share the burden of running the household.

placebobebo · 01/08/2018 18:07

There are a lot of genuine home based opportunities in admin.

Loopytiles · 01/08/2018 18:07

Your current job does sound unsuited to you, and of course your health is a top priority.

Your H is NBU, however, not to want to be the sole breadwinner. He may well not be willing to financially support you long term.

None of the potential kinds of work you mention would be likely to make you enough money to support yourself, were you to become single, or contribute a reasonable sum to the household .

Freelancing requires people skills too, eg to win business and deal with clients.

glintandglide · 01/08/2018 18:07

It’s also rare to genuinely WFH freelancing and for it to be less stressful than a normal, full time job. In my industry, just as an example, freelancers are well paid but expected to give a LOT MORE than regular employees. They can be forced to travel across the country for work. It’s glamourised on MN but really isn’t always a positive or reasaonable option.

SandyY2K · 01/08/2018 18:09

You need to just get any old job for now. Admin work...bar work...waitressing..cleaning.....something simple which doesn't involve risk of life.

Then think about your dream job. Maybe start of dog sitting or dog walking/grooming

Perhaps advertise your availability eith a gumtree/shop window advert.

You'll need to look into insurance for it though.

I don't understand how you're so bad at your job.

PoisonousSmurf · 01/08/2018 18:09

Did you not make a vow both of you when you married? 'In sickness and in health, in....blah, blah and poverty'
Why do you stay with this man who is willing to let you have a mental breakdown only because he's not enough of a man to take the can for a while whilst you look after your health?
I'd be chucking in the job and leaving him for a start!

Anythingforacatslife · 01/08/2018 18:12

What would you do if you didn’t have a DH to support you financially at this time? Would you still be considering it? Obviously something needs to give but it’s unrealistic to just quit without a plan.