To risk my marriage and give up work?

[GreenYogaFrog]

DH earns a decent salary. I earn £10k pa less than him but mine is still considered a decent salary (especially for where we live). We have a household income of around £60k. No debts, no kids, low monthly mortgage (under £500 a month) so we're very comfortable.

The problem is im not coping. I went into a career I should never have gone into. I'm no good at it. I'm no good with people. I'm no good at making decisions. I have social anxiety and border line personality disorder. I cut corners to cope. I'm disorganised and stuff doesn't get done. I'm under the care of a psychiatrist but the mental health services are shit and I was basically given a prescription for quetiapine and sent on my merry way. Never seen them since. I have been thinking for a while now that it's only a matter of time before I make a massive mistake at work. Today, it happened and the consequences were as bad as you can possibly imagine.
I feel sick with stress. I can't cope, I shouldn't be doing this job. I know that more than anyone but nobody cares.

Luckily I'm only on a casual contract so can work when I want. I can quit tomorrow with no ill effects. I can't quit tomorrow and start again next month, that's how flexible it is.

DH however, will not hear of it and says we should be equal partners in our marriage. If I quit my job, chances are he will either divorce me or make it very clean that his feelings towards me will change drastically.

But I can't do this anymore. I would love to work from home or work with animals but there doesn't seem to be any way into that path.

AIBU to quit my job anyway, for my own sanity? Financially we would be fine.

I feel sorry for the OP being faced with comments as unsupportive as her DH at a time of crisis.

I’m so sorry you’ve made an awful mistake. It’s such a sick feeling to the pit of your stomach. Be kind to yourself. Today is not the day for any big decisions on anything.

Tell yourself you can leave if you want next week. You don’t have to decide today.

Give yourself a few days to recover a bit emotionally, think through some options. I hear you that this is the worst job possible for you. I’m not saying stay, I’m just saying don’t decide right now, when it’s going to after the initial feeling of immense relief, create more stress.

What would you do right now if DH wasn’t in your life? I know he is, I’m just wondering.

Xx

I agree that your husband should care enough to not want you to do a job you can't bear. The solution is for you to find a job that you do want to do and move on to that. Take your share of responsibility for household finances - don't leave it all to him. No one is entitled to be supported by someone else.

I have been the major breadwinner in a marriage and it is a huge pressure - you can't walk away or turn to a job you'd prefer but pays less because the burden falls on you to pay the bills. So the freedom you desire needs also to be a freedom he could have.

Not read all of thread yet. Could you change jobs?

I'd say you haven't found the right place for you....change of job, change of career...

Your confidence may benefit from being built up....maybe volunteer....would your partner feel as strongly if you tried volunteering to build confidence...then get back into the workforce..

I too have been a bread winner while the other started up a business...

I resented him greatly at times as much as I loved him...

He got to make choices and shape his life whilst I had none with all the pressure

There's a volunteer website...they have all sorts going on not just charity shop working.

My uncle volunteers in prisons auditing....he's done all sorts of stuff (retired, dies it to keep himself ticking over mentally)

Just using that as an example, realise may not be your cup of tea..

Take a look, speak to your partner

What is certain.....is your current workplace isn't healthy for you...sounds like it's knocking your confidence left right and centre

Cut your hours and do something else.
Not working is strongly associated with poor mental health so you need to do something so you don’t spiral. Just not what you are doing currently.

The issue here is your mental health. You need to go back to the GP and demand more help.
Then find another job in something you love before you quit this one.
I think all your DH’s concerns are reasonable.
If you were my partner I’d be expecting you to seek help and retraining before you quit the job that pays our bills

Your husband is incredibly cruel. I don't care if he does't want to be the main breadwinner, which you're not asking him to be, or not. To say he might divorce you if you leave your job is not what one should expect from a loving partner.

I obviously don't know what your mistake was, but clearly it's not just the mistake. As you say, you've been waiting for it to happen and now it has, but you have hated the job for a long time and this is now just the tipping point. Whatever it was, even if someone died, please be kinder to yourself. You didn't do something on purpose. You made a mistake. Mistakes happen to all of us, including doctors, nurses, surgeons ... even those who are excellent at their jobs mess up. It's life, it happens. You are obviously trying your best and just not coping. That's not your fault. None of it is your fault.

I think you need to look toward a future of leaving this job and finding something that works for you. You would like to work with animals. Could you do a course that would enable you to be a vet's assistant/nurse? Unfortunately many jobs with animals require qualifications or are mostly on a voluntary basis.

My closest friend gave up her job four years ago to start a career as a dog-walker and dog minder. Her husband also gave up his at the same time to work as a handyman. They don't make much and he makes more than she does, but they're happy. Their situation is different in that they had worked long enough to live mortgage free and to take pressure off themselves. She is incredibly happy and I'm selfishly happy as well because I get to meet lots of wonderful dogs. They're currently looking after an utterly beautiful in all ways staffie and for the first time in all the time she's been doing it she would keep the dog if she possibly could. They're both in love with the dog and so am I. She leaves on Friday and there will be tears. Sorry, hugely off-topic!

You need some time away from work, if you can get signed off for a couple of weeks, even though you won't be earning, it will give you breathing space and time to think about what you can do and if what you can do would work in a job that would make you happier. It seems to me that you will have a total breakdown if you continue this way and that will help no one. If possible try to get some careers advice, I'm not sure where from, but I'm sure if you google it, you'll find somewhere that helps adults change careers and I'm sure there are skills you are using now that would crossover to another career, but one that wouldn't involve so much having to deal with the public and a large number of colleagues.

In short, YANBU, take some time out for you to find a way to move forward and be happier.

Do I value my husband's opinion of me over my mental health ?

Absolutely not

Sorry it was me who mentioned a death as the worst think I could think of as a result of something I had done - the OP hadn't actually said so sorry for the derailment there!

It was also me who mentioned the DH possibly being a knob.

Given the info in the OP it is clear that the OP would take another job and it's just this particular field that is making her so unhappy and ill.

In my opinion if he doesn't support her in changing career/job and wants her to stay where she is thoroughly miserable and believes (rightly or wrongly) that she is making mistakes that have a large negative impact on someone else then he is a knob. OP's not after resting on her laurels for the rest of her life from what she's said she is in need of help and really quite badly from the sounds of it.

For those saying if the roles were reversed I would support my husband and I have.
Our circumstances are different in that we don't own a house, we privately rent ATM and we earn less as a household but my husband went from being main earner whilst training for his career to being self employed and earning less than me.

Towards the end of his training he was very depressed, he hated his job and it made me sad to see him feeling so unhappy.
So I supported him and we managed financially and now he's happy too!

OP if you're still there the relationships board is a good place and I always find the posters supportive and practical over there.

I wouldn't want to financially support a partner who has vague dreams of working from home or freelance.

I've worked from age 15, in fast food, high street shops, cold calling, etc so the concept of not working is alien to me. Exceptions are SAHP or MH/disability reasons.

But you say you want to work, so I would expect you to work in an undemanding job whilst you figure out what you want to do.

You hate your job but have no plan for an alternative ("wanting to retrain in something to do with animals" does not constitute a plan). If you quit your DH will, rightly or wrongly, see you as breaking a promise to him.
I hate to seem one of those emotional vultures (so common on MN) who feasts on relationships that are not yet dead, but I really think that you should consider leaving your marriage.

Oh OP.

It sounds like you’re in desperate need of support - from your husband, your employer and mental health services - and you’re not getting it from anywhere.

I’m a bit concerned about what you’ve said about your husband’s feelings towards you changing if you give up work. Whatever happened to “for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health”? I think you need to have a chat with him and tell him how work is affecting you mentally.

Is going part-time an option?

I haven't necassarily done anything "wrong" but a massive error of judgement and lack of experience on my part has led to a huge consequence towards someone else. And yes, it REALY is as bad as you can imagine

I'm reading this as saying that something bad has happened to someone, and OP didn't prevent it. But it wasn't really her fault, perhaps most people in her role would also have missed it, but most people would also have been able to brush it off. E.g. a nurse not spotting a patient getting worse early enough to do something about it.

It takes a certain mindset to do some jobs. OP - if this is correct, I'd look at retraining. Either a sideways move into something with less responsibility or something completely new. Or maybe drop to 2 days and try to pick up dog walking/pet sitting the other days, if that's what you fancy? You don't necessarily need to walk out of your job now, but you do need a plan.

All these posters who say the solution is to leave her marriage, what is the OP going to live off then?

There was an episode of rich house, poor house where a lawyer got breast cancer and she decided to evaluate her life and once in remission she opened a dog boarding business with her best friend.

She kept saying how happy she was doing the job and being able to spend time with her DC.

I must admit that she and her DH owned a house with large grounds for the dogs.

You need to look into the feasibility of being self employed and get support from your GP.

Yep that does make me laugh a bit. OP and DH earn £60k jointly, his wages alone aren’t going to support some non earning hobby, particularly one that needs start up costs.

And for most of us, breast cancer may well equal bankruptcy.

Some supportive unrealistic advice on here... leave your husband, quit your job then you will be all happy.

It's not unrealistic to leave a husband.
It's not unrealistic to make a livable earning as for example a dog walker (I actually know two in my area who are very successful), or similar.
It's not unrealistic that OP quit her job.

None of the above are easy or straightforward but I don't think anyone has suggested otherwise and I think most people would understand that as a given.

I really hope the OP is ok and that everything with job and DH gets sorted to suit everyone ideally.

OP I think you're an over thinker and beating yourself up way too much, the mistake is probably only a big deal to you. Nobody else seems to be worried about it?

I think you need a big boost of confidence. Please be a bit nicer to yourself xxxx 😘

(If it's any consolation I'm a walking bag of nerves as well)

It is unrealistic without planning.

Well yes Shampoo you do need a plan but it's not unrealistic, going self employed is hard as PP have said and it's a better idea/plan to get another job and build client base for SE/retrain on the side.
WRT the husband all I'm saying is if this is in line with a pattern of not nice behaviours maybe it's time to consider what's best for OP and that might mean leaving. I did say after sorting new job first I think, or did I edit that bit out? Need to go look but not now sorry, work in morning.

Your DH has essentially said to you that he doesn’t care that you are suffering. He expects you to continue suffering or he’ll divorce you. What a peach.

I wonder if your DH’s attitude to you is adversely affecting your mental health. Is your DH controlling in other ways?

He ought to have your best interests at heart. To love and cherish, with all my worldly goods, in sickness and in health.

Are you compromising in other areas? What about children, is that something you’re happy with?

I think a career break whilst you reevaluate is one a loving spouse should support after discussion. It doesn’t sound like you’d be on the breadline.

Can you get signed off sick by the doctor - at least for 1-2 weeks to have a break, step back & gather your thoughts?

That might bring yr DH to the realisation of how serious this is.

I’m sure you could find some suitable work from home when you feel able eg if you work in some technical field(?) you could do proofreading or editing.