To risk my marriage and give up work?

[GreenYogaFrog]

DH earns a decent salary. I earn £10k pa less than him but mine is still considered a decent salary (especially for where we live). We have a household income of around £60k. No debts, no kids, low monthly mortgage (under £500 a month) so we're very comfortable.

The problem is im not coping. I went into a career I should never have gone into. I'm no good at it. I'm no good with people. I'm no good at making decisions. I have social anxiety and border line personality disorder. I cut corners to cope. I'm disorganised and stuff doesn't get done. I'm under the care of a psychiatrist but the mental health services are shit and I was basically given a prescription for quetiapine and sent on my merry way. Never seen them since. I have been thinking for a while now that it's only a matter of time before I make a massive mistake at work. Today, it happened and the consequences were as bad as you can possibly imagine.
I feel sick with stress. I can't cope, I shouldn't be doing this job. I know that more than anyone but nobody cares.

Luckily I'm only on a casual contract so can work when I want. I can quit tomorrow with no ill effects. I can't quit tomorrow and start again next month, that's how flexible it is.

DH however, will not hear of it and says we should be equal partners in our marriage. If I quit my job, chances are he will either divorce me or make it very clean that his feelings towards me will change drastically.

But I can't do this anymore. I would love to work from home or work with animals but there doesn't seem to be any way into that path.

AIBU to quit my job anyway, for my own sanity? Financially we would be fine.

You need to think about the outcome your action. You will not necessary be happier, in fact, possibly worst because your husband might resend you, you feel trap because you no longer have option to leave due to lack of income.

I would start looking for another job and discuss your work situation with your husband.

Lets say as an example you’re a nurse on the frontline. Could you be a nurse at a GP surgery instead? BPs, injections, taking blood. Perhaps less stressful. Or look at community nursing, education, elderly well checks etc.... just some ideas of how to use your current skills in another setting.

So look at what you have, what is transferable and how that can open up other doors. Even if you try for an admin or reception job until your work out what you want to do.

OP - have you thought about being assessed for autism? Lots of what you’ve said things true for autistic women. They are often misdiagnosed first with anxiety and borderline personality disorders.

I think you should look into it as a possible reason you find your job so stressful.

I have a feeling OP is not coming back...

@glintandglide i can't see the post where OP says she hadn't killed someone. What time was that please? I must be even blinder than I thought

I assumed she worked in a care home or similar and had forgotten to give medication or something like that. She refers to sweeping it all under the carpet. Obviously I am wrong if OP has clarified nobody died.

It sounds like you want him to shelter you while you hide away from the world. That's not the way adult life works though. I would expect a partner to find another job before jacking one in, as 'partner' means both people pulling their weight rather than one person being the sole provider. People have mentioned cleaning, and you could also consider ironing from home, dog walking, or working in a small shop where you would be the only staff member working?

Would stopping work altogether actually be helpful? I'm thinking in terms of work giving you structure, something to get out of bed and dressed for, and to occupy your mind (although it's currently occupying your mind in the wrong way). DP and I had a similar discussion when he was struggling. He was able to get the right support, right meds and flourished at work and got promoted after a while.

Could you look firstly at part time work, or something quite routine and gentle maybe? You mention working with animals - something like an admin role with a local animal charity as a way in?

@happypoobum considering OP was told not to worry about it, I agree it's really not that someone died.

Often You haven't ever worked in a care home have you?

Do you think you might be blowing up the mistake to be worse than it is? If no one died, and it can be swept under the carpet with no disciplinary consequences, I doubt it can be that bad

I do feel for you but ultimately I can see where your H is coming from too. I would be singularly unimpressed and not a tad resentful to be lumbered with being the sole earner without having a say in it. That said I know from experience that MH in the workplace are awful. I would look at reducing your hours for now with a view to finding a role that suits you better.

The OP has been told not to worry about it and won't face disciplinary etc so it can't be anything anywhere near as serious as death! I can't imagine any employer glossing over a death etc can you?

I assumed she worked in a care home or similar and had forgotten to give medication or something like that.

That’s what I assumed too which is obviously serious but mistakes happen and unless someone suffered as a result then it’s not likely to be as serious as she made out.

If the OP had done something so bad, then she’d have been dismissed. From what I can gather she hasn’t even had an official verbal warning.

Don’t give up work. Do look for something else.

@happypoobum I can't believe that causing someone's death in a carehome would just end with "Don't worry about it"

Also, we are hearing what you are saying, but it is only today that you made the mistake. People with BPD/ emotional instability do have difficulty coping with some situations. It might be that the issue with the mistake seems bigger now in the immediate aftermath than it will seem to you in maybe a couple of days time (of course, we don't know what the mistake was).

Do you have any contingency plan for when you feel very low, or overwhelmed by anxiety, or are in a difficult situation, that could be helpful right now?

The other thing is that if you are accessing advice on line, and in fact thinking about other ways forward from this situation, that is a lot more positive than a lot of other alternatives you could have chosen, so that is a positive.

Can you be very kind to yourself for tonight, and find something that you will enjoy doing and if possible switch off a little from the worry about your current job or getting another job? Spoiling yourself a little after a rotten day might be the way to go

You sound so panicky OP, your employers are telling you to forget it so why can’t you try?
Panicking and beating yourself isn’t helpful, please be kind to yourself, we are all learning all the time.

Sorry at happypoobum I’ve noticed that I misread OPs second post and she didn’t say she’d killed someone. Still, I don’t think for a second she did, unless you’re saying it’s common for people to kill patients in care homes and have it brushed under the carpet? You should really go to the police with that sort of information

Yy to everything LostinLSpace said. for you. I can't believe how little support you have had on here. You sound really desperate. Be kind to yourself. You are clearly being left to work beyond your capabilities which is an awful feeling, especially if people's lives are at risk.

I guess from your op that you meant that you could quit your work and go back in a month, or at some stage in the future. So if your dh kicks off then you can passify him by saying that you will be going back in future, or seeking a similar-but-different role .

However, as someone who changed jobs (before children) taking a big drop in salary, I can say that it was the best thing that I ever did. I managed to work my way back up a bit, and my previous experience came in useful in the end - but in a less client-facing role.

Best of luck. And be kind to yourself.

Years ago someone I knew was in similar position to you. Actually known a few people with similar dilemmas.

I know this is off topic but is there any reason you haven't got children.

The reason I ask is the person I knew wanted children but her dh kept putting it off and putting it off. As an onlooker to their marriage we could see that her dh really was only interested in her for what she could bring to the table and having children would have meant her not earning or money being spent on someone else.
She hated her job, anyone who knew her would never have put her in that particular role.
In the end she quit her job. It was an almost an on the spot decision. She had come to the end of her tether and it was either quit or go off the rails.

Her dh went berserk. Although she immediately went into other more casual jobs and then her own business, they weren't short of money I think her job title also meant more to him than her.

They eventually divorced. Their marriage was never the same again.

It was him that went off the rails. She moved on and the last time I heard from her she had remarried and had 4 children and was living in the countryside and very very happy.

I think you need a plan, even if it’s a plan to finding a plan but at present it sounds like you want to hide and quitting let’s you do that. The alternative job ideas you’ve come up with don’t sound particularly plausible given your long list of things you struggle with. I guess your H’s fear is, if you quit it would be very difficult for you to have the motivation to re-enter the workforce.

Does your H really understand the extent of your MH issues and that if you continue as you are, you could deteriorate . You’ve probably done a very good job of masking your issues, which may have led your H to have a false expectations. Your relationship has much deeper issues as to wether you quit your job or not.

You ideally want to career change but in the short term can you make a sideways move? Any sort of change might be helpful.

As you are on a casual contract could you take a week's leave to re-energise? Also maybe talk to someone you trust in real life about whether the mistake you made is as bad as you think.

The working from home idea isn't as ideal as we tend to imagine. In some ways it can be worse because home is no longer a separate place to work, so you then feel work stresses at home.

Also it is difficult to generate an income comparable to a salary especially straight away.

If you are willing to do a less responsible type of job in the short term can you go and sign up with some temp agencies and tell them the range of things you are open to doing?

Can you do the job you are doing now, but in a different field? Or can you stay in the same field, but re-train to do a different role?

Sadly my DSIS used to work at a nursing home and yes, it did happen that people made mistakes, residents died, and it was all "brushed under the carpet."

I thought this was common knowledge - there have been enough documentaries about it!!

I suspect that Oliversmumsarmy is on the right track here. It doesn't look good OP. Whatever you have done is irrelevant really, if your job is making you ill you should quit. Life is too short to waste like this.

Freelance home based creative work can be incredibly unforgiving compared with workplaces where tasks are pretty much served up on a plate, where other people can take on work as part of a team, and minor slip-ups may be pointed out by someone else, and are not a cause for losing a contract from a fussy client who could employ any of millions of people on freelance sites worldwide, many from countries with significantly lower costs of living.

Something that involves being there in person narrows the field of competition a significantly - things like dog grooming, pet sitting and so on. But it does involve quite a lot of self-promotion and chirpiness on social media - and you have to be really careful about mistakes, because the buck stops with you (and if relevant, regulators and environmental health overseeing you) and there isn't any labyrinthine organisation for it to get hidden in.

There are options for flexible contract work outside the home and with less human interaction with others that would probably be more suitable. (e.g. cleaner as opposed to care assistant. I also thought the current job was something like bank care/nursing assistant given what was said there.)

GIven the experience of an old friend of mine who had a string of diagnoses in the past, would also suggest considering autism. (Or maybe even things like ADHD and dyspraxia given what you are saying about difficulty organising things.)

It really is as bad as you can get and you'd be surprised by how much stuff like this gets brushed under the carpet in my job.

I haven't necassarily done anything "wrong" but a massive error of judgement and lack of experience on my part has led to a huge consequence towards someone else. And yes, it REALY is as bad as you can imagine

What's as bad as you can imagine? As bad as it can get?

Only death. She doesn't have to spell it out.

I am surprised at the lack of empathy being shown on this thread for for someone with serious MH issues, who has possibly caused death or serious repercussions by staying in a role she cannot do.

I’m not. AIBU is a draw for ignorance. OP would’ve been much better to post this on Relationships or Mental health.

The grasp of mental illness on this thread is mindbogglingly poor.