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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To risk my marriage and give up work?

198 replies

GreenYogaFrog · 01/08/2018 17:19

DH earns a decent salary. I earn £10k pa less than him but mine is still considered a decent salary (especially for where we live). We have a household income of around £60k. No debts, no kids, low monthly mortgage (under £500 a month) so we're very comfortable.

The problem is im not coping. I went into a career I should never have gone into. I'm no good at it. I'm no good with people. I'm no good at making decisions. I have social anxiety and border line personality disorder. I cut corners to cope. I'm disorganised and stuff doesn't get done. I'm under the care of a psychiatrist but the mental health services are shit and I was basically given a prescription for quetiapine and sent on my merry way. Never seen them since. I have been thinking for a while now that it's only a matter of time before I make a massive mistake at work. Today, it happened and the consequences were as bad as you can possibly imagine.
I feel sick with stress. I can't cope, I shouldn't be doing this job. I know that more than anyone but nobody cares.

Luckily I'm only on a casual contract so can work when I want. I can quit tomorrow with no ill effects. I can't quit tomorrow and start again next month, that's how flexible it is.

DH however, will not hear of it and says we should be equal partners in our marriage. If I quit my job, chances are he will either divorce me or make it very clean that his feelings towards me will change drastically.

But I can't do this anymore. I would love to work from home or work with animals but there doesn't seem to be any way into that path.

AIBU to quit my job anyway, for my own sanity? Financially we would be fine.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 01/08/2018 17:40

I'm sorry to ask this but you say that the mistake was really bad. Is there a likelihood you'll be disciplined? Would you get a reference if you resign?

TacoLover · 01/08/2018 17:41

But can you not understand how hard it is for him to accept that you are quitting your job with nothing lined up already? I'm assuming you're on around 25k, this would make a massive difference to your finances.

Original poster
GreenYogaFrog · 01/08/2018 17:42

There is a likelyhood that it will get brushed under the carpet (I've been told as much) But it will stay in my head forever.

OP posts:
Viola82 · 01/08/2018 17:42

how about changing profession?
you want to quick working altogether? would that be fair on your husband?..
Most people don't really like their job/managers..

glintandglide · 01/08/2018 17:43

Ok honestly? I wouldn’t accept my partner not working. It’s not what you want to hear but I believe everyone needs to be contributing to the household. It’s just the way I’ve been brought up and it sounds like he’s the same.

I think the best course of action would be to find another job. It doesn’t sound like you’re medically incapable of working, simply that you’re not suited to this job. That’s not unusual and many people go through stages of this until the settle on something that works for them.

beavertown · 01/08/2018 17:43

How would you feel if he were to quit his job? Could you both reduce hours slightly ?

Ariclock · 01/08/2018 17:43

Is this mistake really that bad? If so surely your work place would be giving you an disciplinary. If it hasn't happened there's a strong chance that you're catastrophising and things aren't as bad as you fear. However, if you're being made sick by your work then you should definitely hand in your notice and your dh should be supporting you. Hope that you feel better soon Flowers

Tomatoes100 · 01/08/2018 17:44

I believe if you quit a job, you have to wait a long time to be able to claim benefits. You would be better staying in your job and wait to see if they discipline you. If you have been employed for over 2 years you have greater job protection.

ILovePierceBrosnan · 01/08/2018 17:45

If you weren’t married what would you do? How would you make sure you were ok?

butterfly56 · 01/08/2018 17:45

Have you thought of starting your own dog walking business. Feeding cats in peoples' homes. Taking pets to vets for people that sort of thing.

My friend does this as she suffered with MH and absolutely loves animals.....and this has changed her life!

She just set up her personal FB page to advertise it and it took off from there. She got a police check clearance(sorry forgot the real name). Employers Liability Insurance.

Within 12months she had more than enough clients to keep her going infact she has to turn people away as she busy especially at holiday times.

I hope you manage to find something that you really love doing as life is far too short to be completely stressed wth a job that is absolutely horrible Smile

batshitbetty · 01/08/2018 17:45

Things are OK now but financially you wouldn't be fine if he left you and you didn't have a job?

ilovesooty · 01/08/2018 17:45

The OP wouldn't be eligible for benefits.

jacks11 · 01/08/2018 17:45

I think wanting to change career, for your mental health and happiness, is reasonable. Quitting, with no plan of where to go from here, and with an impact of finances would be different. Especially if you don't try to get another job (even a part time, boring job) whilst you work out where to go.

If you are going to expect him to carry on working, bearing the total financial burden, then you should discuss it with him. The final decision is still yours, but your husband should at least get to have an opinion. He should be supportive when it comes to your health, but I also think I would have some reservations if my partner announced they were leaving their job with no plans as to what they would do next/plan to get some interim work whilst they worked it out.

If you can't do what you are doing now, what do you want to do? Once you know that, you could perhaps show your husband that you aren't just quitting and placing the financial burden solely on his shoulders without any intention of working again. He might be more on board if he can see there is a plan.

Original poster
GreenYogaFrog · 01/08/2018 17:46

It's not as simple as not liking my job. It's that I genuinely can't do it. I'm terrible at it.

I don't want to quit work altogether but quite honestly, cleaning bogs would work better for me.

I want to work from home. I'm racking my brain trying to think of how I can earn money from home - or even freelance.

OP posts:
Bizzylizzyloo · 01/08/2018 17:46

If the mistake can be brushed under the carpet, the consequences simply aren't as dire as anyone can imagine - clearly nobody has died or been mutilated. At worst it sounds like you might have lost someone some money - in the grand scheme of things it isn't really that bad. I think you should put it from your mind.

If you didn't have your DH, quitting wouldn't be an option as you'd have to support yourself. So if that were the circumstance what would you do? You would look for a more suitable job. That's what you have to do now. Have you spoken to a recruitment agency or looked online? Plenty of jobs don't require you to interact with lots of people!

BuntyII · 01/08/2018 17:46

When my DH decided he hated his job I supported him. When I quit my job to look after our child he supported me. I suggest you quit your job and your DH.

tentative3 · 01/08/2018 17:47

If you are incredibly stressed and not coping with work as evidenced by this mistake is it possible to get signed off? That would give you some breathing space to think about what you might do next while still receiving sick pay and thus not putting DH in a position to be sole income earner.

I don't know what you do now but some of the jobs you've listed as being desirable don't sound to me as if they would suit you either, when it actually came down to it. I think some time spent thinking about not just what you'd like to do, but whether your skills marry up, would be beneficial - for example, would you be able to cope with being self employed in terms of finding business, negotiating with people, potentially dealing with people who are unhappy about something?

NapQueen · 01/08/2018 17:47

"In sickness and in health". You are poorly. You are sick. Just because its a mental sickness doesnt mean it is any less exhausting or debilitating. He should be taking his wedding vows seriously and working with you to get you through this.

I would be mightily fucked off if I became too unwell to do my job well, needed to take a break or readjust my work life balance and dh gave me a blanket no. Id consider leaving him.

Sleephead1 · 01/08/2018 17:47

I think you need to leave and he needs to support you but I do think you need a plan so at the moment you don't really know what you want to do So from his point of view you are going to stop working and obviously will have a lot less money and he will be some provider. If you leave but have a clear plan so say you are going to train as a vetinary nurse and work in the local pet shop 2 days a week or do got walking / sitting from home. I think he should support you in that if you aren't 100% sure which path to take could you just take any part time job admin/ shop type work and maybe try and do some volunteering/ work experience in the things you are interested in to test a few options out. what do you think will happen with the mistake you have made? will you be made to leave anyway ? does your husband know you made this mistake ?

Pinklady11 · 01/08/2018 17:48

I think your husbands an unsupportive dick (I used to have one of them and it made my mental health so much worse). Would he be reacting like this because you didn’t feel well enough to work because of a physical illness? I think you really need to think about how his attitude works in your relationship.

However I’d slightly counter against the working from home. I did this, for pretty much spot on the same reasons, and it made me worse. Too much time on my own to think, not being around people can make social anxiety escalate, and a persistent guilt of not doing a lot (I spent A LOT of time sleeping the day away).
Could you get a lower paid job without the stress and responsibility? Something that’s not around people? Then it’s a compromise if you’re still contributing something, and getting the self worth of being out working?

But ultimately you must do whatever you think is best for you to manage your illness hugs

CountryGirl1234 · 01/08/2018 17:49

I’d have to say consider working in anything you feel you would enjoy. 25k is a big loss, it’s your holidays, your spare cash, your spending money whilst away etc. 10k loss is more bearable. You must look after yourself or you will end up loosing anyway as you’ll have a melt down. It’s important to be happy and do something that gives you purpose otherwise what’s the point?
DH probably just needs some time to adjust, talk things through and let him make his suggestions. Ask him what he’d do if he felt the same. Good luck Smile

LannieDuck · 01/08/2018 17:49

What sort of qualifications do you have? Do you have a degree in anything? There are loads of jobs you can do to earn £25k, but it depends a bit on what you can put on a CV....

Botanica · 01/08/2018 17:50

If this job is definitely not right for you, then absolutely plan a change in direction.

However, if it were me I would still want to be financially independent rather than reliant on his income. If your ideas about doing art, animals etc allow you to earn enough money that you can still contribute and could support yourself if needed then great, go for it.

Bezm · 01/08/2018 17:50

You need to go back to your GP who will most likely sign you off unfit for work. That will give you some breathing space and chance to get your mojo back. Perhaps then your DH will realise that you're not well enough to work, as opposed to not being bothered about working.

EvaHarknessRose · 01/08/2018 17:53

I think you may be being unrealistic in your aspiration to work from home or make money in a creative pursuit (right now).

Why not go back to talk to your GP or mental health team about your mental health and the big mistake, maybe with DP.

Take some time out or off sick, but make a realistic plan if you can.

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