To risk my marriage and give up work?

[GreenYogaFrog]

DH earns a decent salary. I earn £10k pa less than him but mine is still considered a decent salary (especially for where we live). We have a household income of around £60k. No debts, no kids, low monthly mortgage (under £500 a month) so we're very comfortable.

The problem is im not coping. I went into a career I should never have gone into. I'm no good at it. I'm no good with people. I'm no good at making decisions. I have social anxiety and border line personality disorder. I cut corners to cope. I'm disorganised and stuff doesn't get done. I'm under the care of a psychiatrist but the mental health services are shit and I was basically given a prescription for quetiapine and sent on my merry way. Never seen them since. I have been thinking for a while now that it's only a matter of time before I make a massive mistake at work. Today, it happened and the consequences were as bad as you can possibly imagine.
I feel sick with stress. I can't cope, I shouldn't be doing this job. I know that more than anyone but nobody cares.

Luckily I'm only on a casual contract so can work when I want. I can quit tomorrow with no ill effects. I can't quit tomorrow and start again next month, that's how flexible it is.

DH however, will not hear of it and says we should be equal partners in our marriage. If I quit my job, chances are he will either divorce me or make it very clean that his feelings towards me will change drastically.

But I can't do this anymore. I would love to work from home or work with animals but there doesn't seem to be any way into that path.

AIBU to quit my job anyway, for my own sanity? Financially we would be fine.

and having MH issues needn’t preclude you from working. I know, I have them

And you'll know that everyone is different, your own experience and condition may be very different from the OP?

so what if op had cancer would everyone be syaing shes out of order to leave-no i doubt it

mental health still isnt recognised and people brush it off like you should just get over it

sometrimes you have to live with it forever

good luck op hope things work out

Please do not listen to the idea of finding something you can do completely on your own.

That’s how social anxiety turns into agoraphobia, living in fear that the door will be knocked, or that your phone will ring... please do not do that to yourself. I’ve been there, got the T shirt, take the advice of asking for CBT/DBT to work through the SA. It’s the healthiest way. The more you remove yourself from situations that are hard, the smaller your world becomes, then before you know it you have to start from square 1 again.

Yeah, if you have social phobia/anxiety working from home is one of the worst things you can do for your life - it WILL get much worse.

I think getting some cleaning work, in commercial premises, might be ideal It would probably be early, or late so you wouldn't need to see people.

I also wondered about having a lodger if you have room? Spareroom.com will show you how much you could charge for your area. You can get Monday to Friday only lodgers sometimes.

Bombardier i actually believe it’s counter productive for people with MH issues in general (excluding some like e.g. psychosis) to not work for extended periods. Not having an active role in society can hugely exacerbate feelings of uselessness and futility. It doesn’t have to be a full time stressful job but I really think getting out of the house and doing something is a therapeutic distraction and doctors are too quick to sign people off sick long-term with stress and anxiety. A couple of weeks off here and there when necessary - absolutely. But for months/years on end - not only me, but I’ve witnessed the mental health of people I know rapidly deteriorate when they had nothing to leave the house for

It’s not either this job or working from home, there are plenty of other kinds of jobs out there.

Ok the worst I can think of happening is that someone has died.
If that is what has happened OP I'm so sorry for you and I can't imagine how awful you must be feeling! If I could do the flowers thing I would but my heart goes out to you if that is what happened.

Even if I'm totally wrong though, I think I can empathise in a small way because a lot of my self worth is weirdly tied up in my ability to do my job well. So I get that if you aren't confident in your abilities it can make you drepressed.

So I have two things to say -
Firstly you say you would clean the bogs rather than be where you are now, so, I would kindly suggest that you take a little time applying for lower paid/less stressful jobs than you have now.

Cleaning is actually not a bad shout altogether because, where I am, it's not bad £/ph and in general involves fewer social interactions.

Office work is more social in some cases but usually less stressful to counterbalance that.

Anything but what you are doing that would take the immense pressure you are feeling off a little?

Secondly your husband, if he is otherwise a shining example of a partner maybe he just doesn't understand (how?!) and needs sat down and explained to him that you don't want to quit WORK, just your JOB! You could even say you have xyz planned so you find another job before/shortly after leaving.
Yes it will likely mean a hefty pay cut, but if you are very comfortable now you should be ok on a reduced salary coupled with retraining for your new chosen career.

And then he should support you like a proper human being.

If he's a knob in general (sorry) then do it anyway!
You sound desperately unhappy and it sounds like you could end up having a breakdown!
Your husband should be trying to facilitate your transition from horrible stressful job to something else in a sensible but caring way because he's your husband and he's supposed to care for you! Prop you up when you can't stand etc, not flat out say no and I'll divorce you if you leave your job!

If that's the case get rid of him too because he's more concerned about your style of life than happiness I think. Get yourself another job first.

I do hope he just doesn't understand fully though and I wish you luck!

You say you wouldn't mind doing something like painting and decorating. So why not look at courses at your local college to retrain in a trade? Plumbers. electricians, carpenters etc are all in high demand. Have a look and see what interests you.

Are you kidding? It costs a fortune to qualify as a plumber or electrician! They are also highly skilled jobs.

Op

If you were my partner I would not support you leaving your job unless you had another way to contribute financially.

I wouldn’t object to time off on the sick but come on where does it end?

Your title suggests if you leave your job your marriage might end. Well if that is the case how are you going to afford to live?

i actually believe it’s counter productive for people with MH issues in general (excluding some like e.g. psychosis) to not work for extended periods.

That's pretty ignorant. For those with mild and relatively straightforward conditions I'd agree - and most people do work through them - but for those with complex and severe conditions even basic tasks can be too stressful.

You've seen friends do well in work and that's great. I've seen a friend keep pushing because everyone told him work was good for him. Until the day he walked out of work and into the canal.

Please stop telling people what's best for them. You (and I) have no idea of what is best for the OP, but we can be certain that she doesn't need judgey types like you making her feel guilty for considering not working.

Would you say the same thing to someone with cancer? Or would you understand that everyone is different and that, whilst some feel better continuing to work, others are just too disabled by their symptoms to manage it.

PIP isn't an out of work benefit so that comment is irrelevant

Also if you don't want a job where a mistake can have life-changing consequences for other people, electrician is a bad one.

@OP can you transfer your skills to a context that is less pressured or has less potential for bad repercussions?

I was in a very similar position to you OP. I worked in a job I couldn't cope with (it was medical) and it badly affected my mental health. The only difference was I was the mean earner in the house, although we could survive on DHs wage.
After a long time of talking everything through we both decided it would be better if I left. Yes, I've basically wasted my degree, and we have to live a different lifestyle to what we did before (we still go on holiday, were just not as extravagant) but I honestly believe that I now have the skills to now to cope better in any job I do.
I was just chatting about this with DH recently, and asked if he'd prefer me to still be in that job. While he admits the extra money would be nice, he said I would probably be so unwell right now it wouldn't be worth it.
Please please please keep talking to your husband. He has to understand how much this can affect you xxx

Something like cancer is very different, most people would be signed off sick and wouldn't quit their job.

The OP has the chance to find something else if she looks quickly but instead wants to just quit and hopefully work with animals. Her husband, quite rightly, doesn't want to support that whim. Whilst saying she can financially cope she actually means he will have to fund that choice. It would be different if she were self funding through savings etc.

What if he wants to quit and join the circus as claims he's too stressed?

I think accidentally bumping someone off at work is a valid reason to leave a profession. Your DH has got to listen to that, surely?

OP, see your GP. Get signed off for stress. See someone about Compassion Fatigue training.

If a man came on here saying he wanted to quit his job to work on art or writing projects i guarantee he'd be eaten alive. All the people saying your husband is being unreasonable would not be happy for their husbands to quit work leaving them 20-30k a year worse off. The double standards are shocking.

Saying that op i think its obvious that you need to leave your current position for your own mental health. In that respect you are not being unreasonable.

I think your husband would be a lot more supportive if you had a more realistic plan. Many people would love to stay at home and work on art projects or write books but its just not financially viable. And frankly its abit pie in the sky op.

Working with loads of people seems to be a problem for you so look for a job in a small office or company. There are plenty around.

I don’t think cancer is comparable or simple to be fair. I have just lost a work colleague who worked with cancer until 3 weeks before her death. People also frequently recover from cancer and resume normal life, so unemployment is for short periods. Cancer also affects you physically so you may not be able to drive, walk etc.

Mental illness can last for a life time. Many, many, people work normally with metal
Illness. You can’t just give the “OP has a mental illness what would you say to a cancer sufferer” line.

Tell your husband that you've been told to take a 2 week unpaid break by your employers due to the error. In that 2 weeks find a simple, lower paid job with less responsibility. Go to employment agencies, put messages in newsagent windows for admin work (if that is what you could do at home). Get out of the house everyday looking.
He won't be able to say anything, as you're still bringing in enough to support yourself. Then make a plan for a job you'd enjoy more. But don't go back to that job. Life's too short.

Have some of you LTB fans considered that maybe DH knows that not working wouldn't be good for OP? Plenty of people with MH mentioned this here. It's possible he is aware and doesn't want OP to end up at home at even worse state.

We can't say he is a knob, because we

1. Don't know what happened
2. Don't even know the field OP is in
3. It didn't have to be as catastrophic as it seems to OP
4. We don't know how is DH. Maybe he has issues of his own.

The ideas of what to do are all over the place from interior design to work with animals. I understand why DH is not happy about it. As difficult as it is now, it would be much more difficult for OP if she ended up trying and failing, which is how most of business start, because it looks like failing in something is not something OP could maybe deal with.

It's hard when your job doesn't suit you, however, it's harder if you go into thinfs without properly thinking them through.
Maybe a job without a decision power would be better? Stockist in a shop? I know there are people around and it can get stressful with customers, but it's a job where you could potentially talk to a manager and get a position with minimum contact with people?
Certainly wouldn't recommend hospitality. That's a hell on Earth.

I think your DH should support you to change careers. As you say, you can't and don't expect not to contribute. As your chosen career is genuinely making you ill, surely your DH wound force you to continue until you have a mental breakdown. Could you take this as an opportunity to retrain - ideal opportunity when you don't have a large mortgage and no DC. If he is completely unsupportive and suggests divorce I'd seriously consider your future together.

Something like cancer is very different, most people would be signed off sick and wouldn't quit their job

OP doesn't have a permanent contract so even if she had cancer she wouldn't get sick pay from employer.

In her case any inability to work is the same as another. I am surprised at the lack of empathy being shown on this thread for for someone with serious MH issues, who has possibly caused death or serious repercussions by staying in a role she cannot do.

She hasn’t caused a death. She’s said that. She’s said it’s not even a disciplinary matter, let alone a man slaughter charge

My DH effectively walked out of a job after being assaulted (bus driver). I completely supported him because I could see the impact on his mental health. So please stop with the double standards comments.
The key difference with the OPs situation is that I earned a lot more than him so financially the effect was bearable as there was a corresponding reduction in childcare costs.

OP make a plan. Start looking for a job that is something you can cope with. I agree with PP that working from home might not be the right thing for you if it leaves you isolated.