To risk my marriage and give up work?

[GreenYogaFrog]

DH earns a decent salary. I earn £10k pa less than him but mine is still considered a decent salary (especially for where we live). We have a household income of around £60k. No debts, no kids, low monthly mortgage (under £500 a month) so we're very comfortable.

The problem is im not coping. I went into a career I should never have gone into. I'm no good at it. I'm no good with people. I'm no good at making decisions. I have social anxiety and border line personality disorder. I cut corners to cope. I'm disorganised and stuff doesn't get done. I'm under the care of a psychiatrist but the mental health services are shit and I was basically given a prescription for quetiapine and sent on my merry way. Never seen them since. I have been thinking for a while now that it's only a matter of time before I make a massive mistake at work. Today, it happened and the consequences were as bad as you can possibly imagine.
I feel sick with stress. I can't cope, I shouldn't be doing this job. I know that more than anyone but nobody cares.

Luckily I'm only on a casual contract so can work when I want. I can quit tomorrow with no ill effects. I can't quit tomorrow and start again next month, that's how flexible it is.

DH however, will not hear of it and says we should be equal partners in our marriage. If I quit my job, chances are he will either divorce me or make it very clean that his feelings towards me will change drastically.

But I can't do this anymore. I would love to work from home or work with animals but there doesn't seem to be any way into that path.

AIBU to quit my job anyway, for my own sanity? Financially we would be fine.

It sounds like you are poorly supported in your workplace if they allowed you - an inexperienced person - to make such a error of judgement. You need to think about what responsibility your supervisor shares for The Bad Thing that happened. It doesn't all weigh on your shoulders.

The best professionals I meet often have a Bad Thing story that motivated them to work harder to avoid feeling that awful responsibility again.

If you need to walk away & take some time to recover then do but as well as a new job find the counseling you need to work on your resilience as I bet that crops up as problematic in other areas of your life too

I’m imagining some sort of social work/care scenario - I’ve known people who have faced really, really shit situations in those jobs

I agree - MH first.

I personally couldn’t stay with someone who I felt put my (proper) health below financial concerns

I’ve just been juggling figures/ cutting life plans to make my DP be able to cut hours/take time off due to stress issues - so I’m not using a “man does X gender responsibility” argument here

I know my DP isn’t a slacker, I know he needs more time, sure I want a bigger garden and a big holiday but I’d rather have a healthy partner and cheap picnics in the park with him than anything else.

That’s what I personally feel being a partner is.

Others may disagree - and I actually think they’re entitled to want what they want- it’s down to their own expectations and beliefs.

I think your relationship is fucked either way - regardless of the “rights and wrongs” you’re both going to end up resentful and feeling hard done by.

So leave the job, yes. Protect your own MH and your relationship will do what it will. Plenty more men out there!

as a bit of advice I would second the person who said to take a week off. More if necessary, and go back to basics almost like you were at school wanting to know which career would be the most suitable.

I know it sounds cheesy but there are loads of career questionnaires on line which might throw up some options. For ds who hadn't a clue what to do because I knew his exact time, date and place of birth I even did his horoscope.

I would go as far back to basics as do you want to work indoors or outdoors, with people or on your own.

With ds we wrote down every suggestion no matter how crazy from umpteen questionnaires and the list of careers that came up if you put Scorpio in his 10th house etc then with the list he whittled it down over a period of time until he came up with 2 definite career paths which he still can't decide on but he is qualifying in one whilst he is working occasionally on the other.

You can return to work knowing from the list will be your new career. Whatever it may be.

Ultimately I think when you get to a place with a job which is making you so ill that sleeping on the streets starts to look like a better option than setting foot in your place of work again it is time to re evaluate your life.

I do have to question why your dh would rather see you on pills and miserable than supporting changing your career.

As I said before I have known several hardworking people who have been where you are now and changed their career, both men and women whose lives have changed drastically for the better.

One was a guy who went into the family office based business because he was expected to even though he was crap at it and managed to bankrupt it [with a little help from the financial crises] He is now so much happier and more successful as a publican and another woman who spent a year in therapy trying to keep everything going who came to the conclusion during one therapy session that she needed to change her life drastically otherwise she was going to end up having a stroke. She decided to divorce her husband,[not the children father]. Sell everything and packed the children in a van she bought together with everything that they had in the world and drove to Dover and boarded a ferry with not a clue what she was going to do.

That was a few years ago.

The kids are happier, she is happier and much more successful as she has found business opportunities and work that she could never have dreamed of.

Sometime couples get to a point where they need a complete change and sometimes it is just one of them.

Without the support from the other partner it can mean either carrying on in misery or splitting up.

I am not advocating divorce but long term if you are miserable and with no support your marriage might not make it

Agree with PPs that the primary responsibility for the impact of your error(s) is with your employer.

I would definitely get yourself a counsellor to support you right now. The mistake at work was clearly traumatic for you.

Dh is not supporting you through changing jobs so the support of a counsellor could really help.

You would not be unreasonable to change jobs but you would be unreasonable to quit and sit on your arse expecting him to support you. Yes you have mental health problems but so do many others. Find something you do like then quit

Your DH doesn't sound supportive. Can you work a PT notice period while you look for a new role? Or take some AL?

Marriage isn't just about being equal partners at all times, it's also about supporting each other in various times of need or change. Have you told your husband that you're on the edge of a breakdown? If not, you must. If he is, or was, unsympathetic then you've some serious thinking to do in that direction.

I'm sure you would be able to find a much less stressful job to tide you both over if you were to leave your current job. As for your other work ambitions, what about going back to university, or taking a course in interior design? There are so many things you could, and can, do.

I think, having been in a similar position work-wise, I think you really need to leave the job. Once that stress is removed, you'll feel like a different woman.

I have mental health issues, and about 6 years ago, l was like you. Just desperate to leave. But l rode it out, and I’m still there and fine. What made a difference was obtaining Access to Work support from the DWP.

Also, your language is all about what you can’t do in your job. How about if you said to yourself that you could do these things rather than can’t?

I’d love to do artistic stuff myself but it doesn’t really make a living.

If a man came on here saying he wanted to quit his job to work on art or writing projects i guarantee he'd be eaten alive

Firstly, bullshit. Secondly, there’s no need to point our how men get such a hard time in the world to women. It’s like asking a poor person to feel sympathy for a millionaire who lost their money.

There was a thread recently about a man who had retired, but didn’t want to look after his young kids during the day, because he wanted to peruse his hobby instead. A lot of people suggested that was ok, or, even suggested the poor lamb may have mental health issues and needs help. Here we have a woman who already knows her mental health is suffering, and you not only gloss over that, but make a pathetic attempt to tell us all how much less sympathy a man would get, when that’s not even the case.

Well I for one didn't like the idea of the retired man pursuing his hobby while his wife worked but nor do I like the idea of OP having vague dreams about working from home or free lancing whilst her husband supports her. If the OP can't work due to MH issues that's a separate issue, but she says she does want to work.

I don't really care if the person is male or female.

I've been in your position. Technically still am because I'm still in my 'old' job working my notice. It's a job dealing with life and death situations. At first I liked it because it fits in around with childcare but now the whole combination of the job and family life has gotten too much for me. I've been battling with depression and anxiety for around a year. It reached its lowest in March when I contemplated suicide. Financially we were not in a position to allow me to just quit. As much as I wanted to. I got myself to the GP because I was struggling without any medication and I was also honest with work about how bad I was. I got referred to occupational health and received counseling from them. It was then simply a matter of getting my CV up to scratch and applying for jobs, any job, that could get me out of there. Now I have one!

I'd recommend getting yourself signed off sick just to give you some breathing space. Use the time to get your CV sorted out and research into different jobs. Apply for everything humanly possible.

I understand where you're coming from. I used to come home at night in tears swearing I was never going back. But I don't think it's fair on you or DH to just quit without a plan of something else to go to. As I said, for us it just wasn't an option.

If your DH is anything like mine, then perhaps his opinion is not as harsh as you describe. My DH didn't quite fully understand how bad or ill I was for a long time. And he was sympathic towards me whilst also also pointing out financially quitting wasn't an option the countless amount of times I said I would just walk out!

I'm a partner of somebody who has resigned from their job due to mental health, and i'm now the main earner. it us incredibly hard.
Doing something with art and animals wouldn't have impressed me - work from home is hard, its very easy to slip away, especially with mental health issues. you really need a plan, otherwise things will get worse, not better

I have sympathy for you. I also feel at the end of my tether, am not sleeping am cutting corners and burying my head in the sand because I’m so stressed at work.

I am the sole earner though so I can’t quit unless I want to plunge us into bankruptcy.

I don’t condone what your husband has said but having that sole responsibility is hard and puts mental stresses on that person. It doesn’t negate your troubles, in just giving another perspective

I’m with Fatted. Sometimes even when you feel totally shit you have to keep going, Be open with your workplace about your mental health issues, sort out meds that work and apply for Access to Work.

I wanted to leave for months. Crying every night, but l had to keep going, we just couldn’t afford for me to give up work. I’m a teacher, at my lowest point seeing Michael Gove on Tv when he was education secretary sent me into total mental health overdrive. I couldn’t bear to see his face.

Focus less on giving up and more on what you can do to keep going. Very few people can afford the luxury of walking out of s job.

My friends partner has let his job go to the dogs because of depression , she’s now left with on a low income paying the mortgage and stressed out herself and working a second job to make ends meet while he sits in the house getting sicker as he’s taken himself out of everything . It’s not fair to do that to a life partner , i know mental illness can’t be helped but my friend doesn’t get to even think about her own mental health anymore .

Thank so for all the replies yesterday and today. I'm back at work today and feeling slightly better.

I know I couldn't just quit, I'd be bored to death at home 24/7 and you're right, my mental health would deteriorate as I only mix with people now because I have to for work, if I didn't have work, my DH would be the only person I interacted with.

I'm going to stick with my current job for now but go down to 3 days a week.

Well done OP Good decision. And in some of that spare time you may have really research being a freelance/setting up your own business - and talk to others about the downside/upside of potential choices.

Ah OP I'm glad you came back and let us know you're ok for now.

That sounds like a good plan, do try to be kind to yourself!

good decision on the work front, but when it happens again, take time out and decide what you need to do.
What have you decided about the unsupportive dh, this seems like your biggest problem as he clearly didn't mean his vows, if he said in sickness and in health.

That sounds like a good decision. Can you use the other two days to look into alternatives or start up you own home business?

I think op you need to widen your circle of friends you seem very isolated.

Someone asked up thread about you having children and whether being child free was a decision you were happy with.

I personally think going for less hours is a step in the right direction but be aware that you will be just as crap at your job and less hours ultimately means you will be just as crap for 3 days per week rather than 5.

I would use the extra time you have each week to seriously consider your future.

Think about where you see yourself in 1-3-5-10 or 20 years time.

What would you think if you were still in the same job. Would this depress you or make you happy.

How do you feel about your dh knowing he has put your earning capacity over your happiness and mental health.

As I have said I know several people who have been where you are. Whilst reducing hours is good it doesn't take the problem away. It is just delaying the inevitable..

Everyone who has been in your position has said that they wished they had made the courage to change their lives sooner. They didn't because it was never so bad until it became unbearable.

Good luck but start making plans and use your time wisely.

Just to add that all those that were in your position despite all the thinking and planning, ultimately the decision was taken from them and circumstances meant that the decision to leave was forced upon them whether by redundancy or bankruptcy or divorce or just getting to a point one day when things got so bad they just imploded.

Life does have a habit of taking over when you least expect it