To risk my marriage and give up work?

[GreenYogaFrog]

DH earns a decent salary. I earn £10k pa less than him but mine is still considered a decent salary (especially for where we live). We have a household income of around £60k. No debts, no kids, low monthly mortgage (under £500 a month) so we're very comfortable.

The problem is im not coping. I went into a career I should never have gone into. I'm no good at it. I'm no good with people. I'm no good at making decisions. I have social anxiety and border line personality disorder. I cut corners to cope. I'm disorganised and stuff doesn't get done. I'm under the care of a psychiatrist but the mental health services are shit and I was basically given a prescription for quetiapine and sent on my merry way. Never seen them since. I have been thinking for a while now that it's only a matter of time before I make a massive mistake at work. Today, it happened and the consequences were as bad as you can possibly imagine.
I feel sick with stress. I can't cope, I shouldn't be doing this job. I know that more than anyone but nobody cares.

Luckily I'm only on a casual contract so can work when I want. I can quit tomorrow with no ill effects. I can't quit tomorrow and start again next month, that's how flexible it is.

DH however, will not hear of it and says we should be equal partners in our marriage. If I quit my job, chances are he will either divorce me or make it very clean that his feelings towards me will change drastically.

But I can't do this anymore. I would love to work from home or work with animals but there doesn't seem to be any way into that path.

AIBU to quit my job anyway, for my own sanity? Financially we would be fine.

Hi Greenyoga,

I also have BPD and anxiety, so I understand,

A few questions for you- considering the choice of giving up work, how will you feel in 2months? 4months? A year? Is there a way you can improve at your job instead of leaving?
I’m concerned that your decision may be a rash one, and that you may regret having walked away, especially if you leave thinking you’ve failed.

Does your husband understand the cycle of BPD where you will feel very positive, then negative? Does he understand that this may actually be a part of both your personality disorder. And your anxiety?

As someone who’s hopped from one thing to another, to another,
Just a few things, if you do step away there is a chance that you will beat yourself up about this because it’ll go on a list of things you can’t do, and you’ve failed at, and stepping away from the people situation a bit may actually knock your anxiety backward a bit.

Please give these things some thought, is it possible to give yourself a certain amount of time to work at it and see if you can improve?

I think you need to start by getting signed off sick.... I know this will mean no pay but a world of difference to your DH in terms of sick and quitting

I'd strongly recommend have a good long hard look at what you DO want to do. Working from home means many things. What would you actually do? Getting work when you're self employed is hard work. Are you prepared for that? I understand that you have social anxiety, but working from home can be very lonely.

At the moment I can see why your DH is worried that you'll just sit at home watching daytime TV. Start investigating the options and make your plan. If you do that, I'm sure he'll be more supportive.

Good Luck.

You have my sympathy OP if you are unhappy in your job, and suffer stress and anxiety.

But I can imagine the responses on here being QUITE different if it was the other side of the coin, and a (female) poster posted here to say her husband wants to jack in his job because it stresses him out and he 'doesn't like people.' He was be slaughtered and she would be told to leave him!

Don't know what to suggest, apart from retrain for something else.

If your husband isn't supporting you jacking in your job then you can't very well do it. Would you support him giving up work? Be honest now...

It is absolutely possible to work from home on a freelance basis and earn a decent income. Writing is a good option. However, it is not easy to narrow down the jobs which pay well at first. I did it with the support of a very patient partner and it doesn't sound as if you have that.

Whether it would be easy to match your income I don't know, since I don't know what it is. But there is a lot of work out there (despite what the cynics say) if you can get the space to clear your head and find it.

Is there any way you could take a temporary break and get the space to try something new? Have you any savings to cover a month or two, or could you take part time work in a less stressful role for a while? It sounds as if you might have the option of leaving the door open at your current job so it doesn't have to be 'final' in the eyes of your partner.

To all those sayingLTB how can she? She needs him to pay for her career break
Exactly.

I really don't blame your DH tbh.

You've waited till you made a major error at work before actually realising you need to get out.... even though you know you're not good at the job. That's not a sensible thing...because the heat is on.

That said... you...shouldn't be in a job where you are a danger to others. That is someone's relative.

Have you told him about the incident?Does he realise how bad it is?

When I was in your situation nine years ago, I registered for a year long masters - oddly enough with a large element of 'work psychology' in it! It helped me distance my feelings of self hate and failure - and to recognise some of the strengths and weaknesses of my old colleagues. It was v interesting - lasted a year. Had I not done it I would have had to resign or else sign off long term sick, which my mental state would not allow me to contemplate. At the end of the year long masters I found a writing job - low stress, sometimes a bit boring, but it doesn't make me ill. Financed myself with a professional studies loan from Barclays. The key difference between us is that I had 100% support from my husband. From my behaviour at the time, it was frankly obvious that I couldn't carry on. I really feel for you.

Others are right though - working from home is hard if you struggle with motivation. The flexibility to take time off is nice but a little too tempting sometimes - there is no holiday pay. It's very easy to 'coast' if you have earned enough for the month.

I can see your DH´s point of view, tbh. I wouldn't be happy if my partner just decided to quit working and that I was going to support us both on my own. I suggest that you get signed off for a few weeks to try to clear your head, then make a real plan of what you can do to retrain, or what kind of jobs you could do, and present your partner with an actual plan rather than you quitting and living off his money. Supporting someone while they are retraining or getting a new business up and running is a different thing to someone not working and living off your salary.

Get a new job. Not a dream job interior designing or working with animals but something that won't stress you out. If you get a full time minimum wage job and tell dh I am sure he will be more supportive. Then work on the dream job once your mental health is taken care of.

Does DH know about The Bad Thing that happened? I would just tell him I had been sacked. He does sound like an unsupportive dickhead though.

You say you would rather clean toilets. Have you thought about taking a cleaning job? Or something far less responsible and stressful than your current job? I don't mean to disrespect cleaners by the way, I am totally shit at it. have you looked at jobs available locally?

If you are earning £10 - £12 an hour full time you would still be on at least £20k so it's not such a big deal surely?

If DH wants to divorce you because you change your job then you are better off without him.

I can only assume from your posts about the mistake that it's an error which has led to a person dying or being badly hurt. Have you talked to your DH about this? He must understand that you can't continue if the consequences of you being in your job are serious endangerment to other people. That should help focus his mind on why it's so important that you find another job.

You mentioned earlier that you would be better off cleaning bogs - genuinely, is this an option? If you were a cleaner there would be much less stress and pressure, and after the initial meetings you would rarely have to interact with people. And you could still make a decent income if you built up a good client base.

I do feel sorry for you, it's Hellish being in the wrong job.

You need a break. It's all very well for your partner to say he wants the pair of you to be equal but he needs to understand (perhaps someone else can help open his eyes), that you are at crisis point and just can't hack it at the moment.

Do put yourself first.

You may develop an interest in something which could eventually lead to a job but don't push yourself before you're read.

Agree MHS are a bit useless.

It’s pretty extraordinary and quite insulting to think that someone who needs to give up a job for that mental health is just going to sit home and watch TV.

OP hasn’t said she doesn’t want to work she just said she can’t do this job and that’s fine. A supportive partner should be able to deal with that.

What he’s saying is that he sees her as unequal due to her mental health. And really it’s just that he doesn’t fancy a period with less money coming in.

Bollocks Tatiana. He doesn’t want to be sole earner (why should he be?) and OP is not incapable of working. Otherwise she would’ve been signed off by now. She’s not suited to the job and has very recently made a huge mistake. That’s not a mental health breakdown, it is what it is.

Can I just play devils advocate here?
People with BPD feel things to an extreme,
Many of us don’t just get stressed we literally crack under the pressure that others easily deal with, people get unhappy, we get swallowed whole by sadness.

From OPs post you can see she’s thinking of what else she can do, but get out of this position where she probably feels like the most useless, bad person alive because she’s made this mistake and she’s doing a job she seems to feel incapable of doing.

She’s trying.

OP I'm guessing that your current job involves working with people whereby an error makes a massive impact on them and their life, and you are possibly working on an agency contract, hence why you can stop and start and there is no sick pay. The kind of job that you need to be inherently a particular type of person to be able to do.

I would second exactly what @SandyY2K says about looking for an alternative job, no matter how poorly paid, shop work, cleaning etc where there is no responsibility. Do this as a temporary measure while you consider your future career options. Often minimum wage jobs are on a part time contract, but you could combine this with something like dog walking if that is something you would like to do.

I think that life is too short to feel trapped in something you genuinely hate but equally understand that your DH wouldn't want the responsibility of being the sole wage earner.

I'm sorry you have been having such a tough time.

If you are still under the care of the psychiatrist you can ask whether DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) is available locally. If not, there is a DBT workbook you can order online, this is all about improving coping skills.

This is very worthwhile as it can help you manage your emotions better- and so feel better- but also tackles some of the issues around making relationships, that will also help with work.

Also, you could ask about Vocational Services/Occupational Therapy options. Some areas have initiatives around helping people to stay in work, but the sort of services I mentioned could also help you look at alternatives.

I second the PP who said working from home could well make you worse. I quit a full time role to go freelance (and knew I’d be able to get work so it wasn’t a financial risk) and it culminated in me almost being sectioned - the unpredictability, inability to switch off, lack of interaction with others - I honestly thought full time office work was killing me but freelancing was 100000% worse. Also I was freelancing in a creative profession - one of the ones you’ve mentioned - and even as an experienced professional it’s bloody hard, and the money is generally awful.

That said, you shouldn’t stay in a role that’s making you so unhappy. But your DH isn’t unreasonable not to want to be the sole breadwinner. I wouldn’t want to be financially responsible for another adult who was capable of working (and having MH issues needn’t preclude you from working. I know, I have them). You need a plan. Drop down to two days a week and use the free days to madly apply for other jobs - any jobs, just to tide you over while you look for something you think you’ll enjoy. Save as much as you can so you’ve got money in the bank if you’re without work for a few weeks. Put all your energy into getting out of this job. He should support you in that, or if you end up without work for a few weeks between jobs (and it sounds like you need the break anyway) but I don’t think he’s in the wrong for not wanting to be the sole breadwinner indefinitely

Seriously what did you do?this is an anonymous forum so you can say? I would need to know what field you work in and what mistake you've made before I say hell yeah quit because you're killing people or nah actually your husband is right! also get into IT of some kind where you can solitary work from home doing data entry type work that means you don't have to deal with people as much.

The OP wouldn't be eligible for benefits.

What are you basing this on? If she's paid sufficient NI then she'll be eligible for ESA. She may be entitled to PIP based on her needs and irrespective of income.

Please be careful making sweeping statements that could be costly to others.

Bollocks Tatiana. He doesn’t want to be sole earner (why should he be?)

OP’s not talking about being sole earner simply changing her job.

Borderline personality disorder is a serious mental illness.

Would the people putting on the thumbscrews over work and displaying zero understanding of mental illness really insist that someone with a physical illness or disability continue in a job if it made their health worse?

Tell him you're changing job before somebody else gets hurt and don't go in for one more shift. Look for another job.

If he really would divorce you for unemployment taken voluntarily on this basis, at the drop of a hat like that, then how are you even really married? His word would have to be shit.

As for all this equal business, fair enough if that's your arrangement. Personally I think it's a pretty neat deal for men to cast off the only down side of the traditional male gender role and still know they do not have to take on having babies etc, but that's a matter for another thread.

You need to think about how you would feel if he does leave you and you therefore don't have his financial support. Would you cope?

How about going part time but using the rest of the week to build up something else? Painting and decorating, if you're good at it, probably would make you a reasonable income once you get established. Or if you don't want to deal with other people, how about remote home typing? All you need for that is an ability to type, a reasonable level of literacy, and a reasonably decent computer and internet connection.