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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a grandparent shouldn’t offer to take one child out for the day but not the other

279 replies

Norma27 · 31/07/2018 10:53

I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable, but this keeps happening and really annoys me.

My mil is looking after sils children tomorrow. She has phoned my oldest one and asked if she can go out with them too. Totally ignoring the fact my 4 yr old would be devastated. This has happened a few times including asking oldest to go for a sleepover without youngest too.

Sil also does this. Invites oldest over but not younger one. She wouldn’t dream of doing this to her own siblings children though.

The 4 yr old is admittedly harder work but please occasionally try to include her too. She is very well behaved but talks and sings non stop!

I do not expect mil to provide childcare ever, so this is not about me thinking she should do it for me because she does it for her other dil and son. Rather to stop excluding one child who would be devastated if she knew big sis was off having fun with cousins and grandma without her.

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 01/08/2018 20:34

My Mil has done this and whilst it pisses me off I do get it because my ds2 is a bit difficult and tbf she does get a bit more "quality time" with ds2 anyway because ds1 is at school most of the time. So she wants to make up for time lost with ds1 really.
Does grate with me too though.

toots123 · 01/08/2018 20:38

I wouldn't be happy about this at all.
If your youngest was a baby i would understand but there isn't much a 4yo can't do (or sit and watch the others do so she isn't constantly left at home?!)
They are being so unfair and your little girl will eventually realise her grandparents don't want to see her.

I'll be flamed for saying this but I would say if you can't find something suitable for everyone then neither of them are going!

SandyY2K · 01/08/2018 20:47

Don't worry OP, when your eldest is 15/16 she won't be quite as interested in going out with Gran, so then she'll be able to take the young one out and it will just be the two of them...as the other GC will also be doing their own thing.

Mikklehaha · 01/08/2018 20:53

My dc’s are 13, 11 & 9 and they can all enjoy similar things. A 4 year old would be much harder to accommodate and would completely change the dynamic. Maybe your mil is trying to give your 12 yo a break from her much younger ( full on) sibling.
I sympathise with your worry for your 4 yo but I wonder how much your 12 yo has to fit around her sibling?

SandyY2K · 01/08/2018 20:56

I'll be flamed for saying this but I would say if you can't find something suitable for everyone then neither of them are going!

I'd imagine most 12 yo are happy to escape from their much younger siblings...so why deprive them?

The gap is large. They won't be interested in the same films....12 yo isn't into soft play. You'd need to be a lot more attentive with a 4 yo and it's quite a responsiblity. You wouldnt leave them to go to the loo alone in a restaurant.

If you went to a funfair...they'd be going on different rides.

Adventure golf maybe...but the 4 yo will need so much help with it....and I imagine the older ones would get fed up.

Another 3/4 years and the youngest will be the only one going out with MIL.

manaftermidnight · 01/08/2018 21:06

I'll be flamed for saying this but I would say if you can't find something suitable for everyone then neither of them are going!

MY SIL says this and then whines that no-one will take her kids anywhere. You ask the 5 year old along to soft play with your 5 year old, she says he can't go unless you also take her 12 year old, its not fair. So often they don't go and she complains about it endlessly! She's the one being unfair, the 12 year old doesn't want to go to soft play anyway!

Aprilshowersinjuly · 01/08/2018 21:14

Actually my 12 yo dd is happy to go to the soft play with 4 yo ds.....

starlight13 · 01/08/2018 21:24

It's tricky. The 4 year old definitely needs her time with granny to be treated and it is unfair if she doesn't get that so in that respect I get what you're saying.
However, the age gap between your eldest and youngest is absolutely huge and I agree with her wanting to give your pre- teen some quality time away from her younger sister. Your eldest and cousins are a good age to hang out together but not your 4 year old. I couldn't imagine my year 7 child wanting to hang out with a reception age sibling all of the time - big age gaps may seem easy for the parents, but siblings always get a rough deal imo.
Is the youngest from a new relationship (different Dad)? Maybe that's why the granny feels differently towards her?

BlueberryPud · 01/08/2018 21:28

It doesn't have to involve running around

To be fair, some 4 year olds are a proper handful. My ndn granddaughter is four and she's fearless! Hanging upside down from rickety fences, having tantrums, and thinks it's funny to take her brother's stuff and run away with it. She definitely involves running around. I'm younger that ops mil, but there is no way I would take on the responsibility of keeping this child safe. My ndn is finding it tough.

manaftermidnight · 01/08/2018 21:30

Actually my 12 yo dd is happy to go to the soft play with 4 yo ds

Are you my SIL? If not, not sure why that's relevant. If someone asks your 4 year old do you insist the 12 year old goes as well?

Waltzingmatilda65 · 01/08/2018 21:30

My mum used to do this often and think nothing if it. Basically, her thinking behind it was because she regularly looked after my niece my sisters daughter (who was slightly older than my two) an only child and bloody hard work. My mum would phone up and ask if she could take one of mine to say the seaside, to have a sleepover or to an animal farm park or to her house etc. I agreed a couple of times thinking she eventually might invite both of my two one time as she couldn’t manage them both and my niece and my dads car wasn’t big enough. I thought she might take just both my two out (who were both close in age) one day but she never did. She wanted my older DS to entertain my niece and make it easier on her. Then when my niece got older she wanted my younger DD to go along. I said no sorry it’s unfair to invite one without the other and we don’t want to scupper our day and sit at home waiting with the other child just for yours and nieces convenience.

She never ever took my two out anywhere and never had them to sleep over etc if she wasn’t looking after my niece she was having a day off. She admitted she only ever invited one of my two to keep my niece company and entertained otherwise their was no point.
Maybe your mum is doing something similar.

Waltzingmatilda65 · 01/08/2018 21:30

Sorry MIL

Aprilshowersinjuly · 01/08/2018 21:35

They are both my dc. Why would I want to spend time with only one when I can enjoy time with both?

Maliali · 01/08/2018 21:44

i wouldn’t want to be responsible for someones 4 year old

Well as has been pointed out, this isn’t some random 4 year old, it’s MILs granddaughter. I’m not in good health but my biggest joy in life is spending time with 2 year old DGD. I can’t run around but we can do lots of other things together. Yes tantrums happen but I’d not let that stop me enjoying the rest of the time when she’s funny and interesting and adorable. I’m shattered at the end of the day and everything aches but for me that’s a very small downside. If there was a much older sibling then if we planned to go out, id take one one day and the other another. It’s unfair on both otherwise and would be hurtful for DD and DSIL too as it is for the OP.

Original poster
Norma27 · 01/08/2018 22:10

The 4 yr old has spent her whole little life being dragged around.
We all go to theme parks, London, Harry Potter world, sat through 2 day sporting events, theatre and cinema as well as much more.

OP posts:
manaftermidnight · 01/08/2018 22:19

They are both my dc. Why would I want to spend time with only one when I can enjoy time with both?

Why wouldn't you? Do you never spend any time alone with one child? That's not very fair to them.

BackforGood · 01/08/2018 22:43

The 4 yr old has spent her whole little life being dragged around.

So surely it is then nice to have a day in the holidays when you and she can just do something age appropriate for her so she isn't being "dragged around" ?
I really can't understand what your problem is. You seem to be arguing against yourself Confused

Waltzingmatilda65 · 01/08/2018 22:44

manaftermidnight - it’s lovely to get to spend time with children on their own but this rarely happens not everyone is that fortunate.

manaftermidnight · 01/08/2018 22:47

Not the point. The pp said why would you want to do that? Why wouldn't you want to do that? And its not that difficult to do if you want to.

SunflowerJo08 · 01/08/2018 22:51

Maybe Granny could spend time with your 4yr old at yours, with you, when the others are out? Maybe you could bake a cake or do something creative. Then it is on her territory and granny would probably get to see that your LO isn't as much of a handful as she is perhaps thinking she is.

How are your others, with your LO, when they are out together, without you? I am oldest of three and I know when the three of us would get together, myself and my sister would gang up on our little brother. Maybe there is a bit of pack mentality behaviour?

Personally I used to love time with my grandparents by myself, and every summer holidays all three of us would have an individual week of staying at our grandparent's house.

ask her outright why she won't have her.

cunningartificer · 01/08/2018 22:56

Ah. MIL.

Different is not unfair. It’s probably nice for older dc to get cousins time. If not, leave it. But it’s not unreasonable of MIL to invite. Way to make siblings resent each other is to insist that they do everything together. How’s that going to work with a 18yr old?

BWatchWatcher · 01/08/2018 23:28

Actually I quite like to get my dc on their own. They are interesting people.
YABU. 4 years differ greatly from 11year olds. They totally change the dynamic. Enjoy spending some one on one time with your 4 year old and stop trying to use you MIL as free childcare.

buttercup54321 · 01/08/2018 23:42

Billy J Kramer and The Dakotas. Little Children.

buttercup54321 · 01/08/2018 23:43

whoops wrong thread

BlueberryPud · 02/08/2018 01:19

When I was 4 my brothers were 12 and 14 respectively. They spent time with our cousins their age. I was the youngest of 10 maternal cousins by several years, so of course I was far too young to join in their activities. I think my mother was very pleased to spend time with me on my own. We had lovely imagination play which would have been virtually impossible with the older ones there.

Having said that, I never knew my grandparents so they were out of the picture. It was more my aunts who facilitated this 'cousin time'.
I don't think anyone, even my mother, thought that I should be included in what was a group of early teens, cousins or not.
I saw my aunts and cousins when they visited my Mum, or she them. Nobody found that odd, or thought that they couldn't be bothered with me, or liked me less than the others. I was just too young to be part of a group of teenagers. I saw them at other times. It was fine.