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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a grandparent shouldn’t offer to take one child out for the day but not the other

279 replies

Norma27 · 31/07/2018 10:53

I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable, but this keeps happening and really annoys me.

My mil is looking after sils children tomorrow. She has phoned my oldest one and asked if she can go out with them too. Totally ignoring the fact my 4 yr old would be devastated. This has happened a few times including asking oldest to go for a sleepover without youngest too.

Sil also does this. Invites oldest over but not younger one. She wouldn’t dream of doing this to her own siblings children though.

The 4 yr old is admittedly harder work but please occasionally try to include her too. She is very well behaved but talks and sings non stop!

I do not expect mil to provide childcare ever, so this is not about me thinking she should do it for me because she does it for her other dil and son. Rather to stop excluding one child who would be devastated if she knew big sis was off having fun with cousins and grandma without her.

OP posts:
ToftyAC · 02/08/2018 02:33

I get it. YANBU.

Butterflykissess · 02/08/2018 02:39

How does this work when you have more than 2 kids then? I have 4 NOONE ever takes all of them as they said its too much hard work. Does that mean they shouldnt take any of them then? my sister normally takes one or two at a time.

Butterflykissess · 02/08/2018 02:39

oh and yabu!

GreenTulips · 02/08/2018 07:44

Does that mean they shouldnt take any of them then?

No it ain't means taking them ALL at some point rather than pick you fav and ignore the others

Lollypop701 · 02/08/2018 08:09

YANBU. Op you are correct you don’t NEED extended family, you are the proof. But they are lovely to have. One day you will be extended family.... if your Son/daughter in law was unhappy would you want him to talk with you? Or just have nothing to do with you? Take some action... If you know mil is having cousins and your free, take your two round. Mention that it’s nice to see them all together. That you’ve noticed mil finds 4yo harder to manage but you’d be happy to arrange a day out in advance with everyone, so 4yo has relationship too... you’d be there to help. Mention 4yo now knows not being invited and gets hurt. Try a family relationship... your dh will be thrilled!

PipeTheFuckDown · 02/08/2018 08:13

My Dad takes my eldest two DC and my sisters only son all together as there’s only eighteen months between all three.

I also have a toddler. Who he takes separately.

Which allows him to do age appropriate stuff with them.

But he’d never take the elder three and then not spend equal time with my toddler.

starlight13 · 02/08/2018 09:19

Personally what I'm finding sad is the realisation that so many of your grandparents etc help out. My mother and father have never helped out - they can't be bothered and say that they have brought up their own children so are not doing it again! I therefore have little in common, feel no love or fun and I now get on with life and enjoying my beautiful 3 children. Sure it's hard when you need to be at 3 different clubs at once etc. ANY help you receive in someone looking after your children, you should be thankful for.

Original poster
Norma27 · 02/08/2018 09:23

I am the one who does all the work building family relationships thank you.
I have looked after sils in the past and walked them all around to mils as it was the only chance she could see them. I offer to take mil on days out- often refused tho.
I take them to hers and sils. They never get brought to mine. If I do childcare I am expected to go round there.
I see more of mil than dh does. I am really not bothered about thrilling him by doing even more.
I am also a carer for my elderly mother and go round there most days.

OP posts:
MrsAidanTurner · 02/08/2018 09:35

Op it's not rocket science people are being deliberately obtuse. Having said that next time say no

Say I can't, 4 year old notices she's getting left out, including her and then taking older out alone is fine but she is never taken out by you so now I can't let older go.

Take charge of it. She may say.. Oh so sorry didn't realise.. But 4 year old is too much hard work.. And you say.. No problem that's how you feel, but I still can't let you take older out and explain that to older as well.

Many many many people have no choice but to take all ages out and they manage it with no issues!!

MrsAidanTurner · 02/08/2018 09:36

I wouldn't be thankful for help that favoured only one child, with the other being left out and noticing!!

And I imagine the older child is no trouble to have at home at all..

Original poster
Norma27 · 02/08/2018 09:42

The older child has been poorly last few days and been in bed. I have taken little one out to shops and see some friends.
Amazingly, she has even been really good at home and just played with her toys downstairs letting oldie rest up. Occasionally popping up to show her something she is proud of making.
She is obviously a little shit to look after.

The one thing which did make me laugh was when I asked her to go and ask if oldie wanted breakfast. She pretended she had and that she was told no. The older one was actually starving!

OP posts:
magicroundabouts · 02/08/2018 09:58

I see what you mean. I think sometimes people are not entirely honest about their motives. Is it about building family relationships or suiting themselves? Do MIL/SIL invite DD1 because they want to spend time with her or because it makes their life easier?

By never organising anything with your 4 year old, they are basically saying they are not interested in you as a family. Some activities together, some separate. It is not that hard to include everyone if you want to.

IceCreamFace · 02/08/2018 10:03

Op it's not rocket science people are being deliberately obtuse. Having said that next time say no

This. If you have time to comment you have time to read the actual OP not just the title. It's not nice for family to invest lots if time in one sibling and not the other. Especially when in the case of OP's SiL she insists on all her children being included. YADNBU.

If the grandma really felt unable to handle a 4 year old (unlikely given OP's description) she could ask OP to come with them on an outing so they could have time together without it being too taxing.

Original poster
Norma27 · 02/08/2018 10:06

I do think I put the wrong title on thread! It should have been about family favouring one child and excluding another.

OP posts:
Winterbella · 02/08/2018 10:06

I once had my SIL want to "spend time" with my eldest DD and not any of the others, turned out she wanted a baby sitter for her two difficult kids and thought my teenage DD wouldn't complain because no one else would watch them. It didn't happen, people are selfish, its all or nothing you can't favour any of the kids of a family you need to include them all.

Confusedbeetle · 02/08/2018 10:20

Exactly that. The 4-year-old is a different kettle of fish. 3 older children are easier. I am a granny and would find it more tricky to have a 4-year-old in the mix. Mothers can get very protective if they perceive one child is favoured. More like just the age. The younger one can take advantage of you one to one and have a treat or an outing the older one isn't getting

NataliaOsipova · 02/08/2018 10:23

They are both my dc. Why would I want to spend time with only one when I can enjoy time with both?

Because, in all fairness, sometimes you can't "enjoy time with both" unless you always pitch everything at the level of the younger child. And that's not always fair on the older one. I know a family like this - they insist their girls do everything together. They went to the cinema. The older one wanted to see one of the filmed ballet performances. The little one didn't want to - quite understandable, as it was three hours long. But instead of one parent taking the older child and letting her have that experience, they all had to go and see Moana. And I suspect the older child will resent that in the long run, as her experiences are stifled by her younger sibling.

hungrypanda2008 · 02/08/2018 11:53

I think this is a complicated one. And therefore not an easy ya/nbu. You obviously sense a separation with the younger child. I had an inkling this was happening with my youngest who is over 6 years younger. But gradually she is included on the odd occasion. The older one is idolized by aunts and grandma but unfortunately grandma is now in ill health and hasn't seen as much of the younger one on her own so the bond is not there as much. Sometimes only the older one is allowed to visit for eg. As not up for the noise, constant questions etc. We live quite far away so it isn't really prominent to her yet. However, I get that the older one has always had a much easier tempemant and she takes after that side of the family. I'd just go with it to be honest and do special things with the younger one. Hopefully as they get a bit older they'll be included more

Butterflykissess · 02/08/2018 12:19

No it ain't means taking them ALL at some point rather than pick you fav and ignore the others

Like I said no one has ever taken all 4 of mine and doubt they would tbh. Its a big ask. No ones ever taken the youngest. I still think op is bu.

cunningartificer · 02/08/2018 13:07

Good point, Natalia. I spent a lot of time teaching my children that fair doesn’t have to be identical. It’s a useful life lesson.

Looking at it from the other side, if I was taking out a couple of teenagers, I would think it thoughtful to include their nearest in age cousin. To be lambasted for not taking the four year old as well seems really unfair. To deny your older child the treat seems silly. If you’re worried about 4yo lack of contact with granny in other situations and want to set that up as well, that’s another issue to the one you posted as an example.

Original poster
Norma27 · 02/08/2018 13:09

I’m not quite sure 8 is a teenager. Of course I might be wrong.

OP posts:
Motherbear26 · 02/08/2018 13:17

I completely understand your point op. It’s not as though you expect both dc to be asked every time, you just hope youngest dc might be asked to spend time with mil sometimes. There is nothing wrong with that.

My pil have huge gaps between dgc. 16 years from oldest to youngest. Of course they don’t include every dgc in every activity, but none of them has ever felt left out as they have lavished each with equal time and attention, and continue to do so as much as the older ones will allow, and in spite of their advancing ages.

And there is exactly the same age gap between dgc 13/12 and 8, as there is between 8 and 4. I’d be interested to know if dc 8 was excluded when younger also. Seems very unfair and quite nasty to me.

Winterbella · 02/08/2018 13:19

I do not agree with a lot of the opinions on this tread at all, perhaps this is what is wrong with British families and why there is no long term relationships between siblings at all, if you don't have shared experiences you have no connection to each other and for siblings regardless of age this is so important, pandering to one or the other is not the answer, a family day at the cinema is not that if you all sit in separate films.

Original poster
Norma27 · 02/08/2018 13:20

8 yr old absolutely never excluded. Would have been real tantrums if so.
In fact I remember instances of arranging days out with groups of dd12s friends and mums. She was probably 6. I took nephews too aged 2 and 7. Youngest nephew was definitely still in nappies.
Obviously the 2 yr old was on exact same page as the others!

OP posts:
Original poster
Norma27 · 02/08/2018 13:25

And I obviously don’t expect youngest to always be invited or things catered for her.
One of nephews but can’t remember which had a bday party along the lines of rick climbing/bowling/laser quest.
I expect no invitation for that.
Likewise sil took oldest to a theme park. I wouldn’t expect her on her own to take little one there as that does impact on what they could all do.

Sometimes is nice tho. Especially when on her side of the family she would include babies along with everyone else.

OP posts: