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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a grandparent shouldn’t offer to take one child out for the day but not the other

279 replies

Norma27 · 31/07/2018 10:53

I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable, but this keeps happening and really annoys me.

My mil is looking after sils children tomorrow. She has phoned my oldest one and asked if she can go out with them too. Totally ignoring the fact my 4 yr old would be devastated. This has happened a few times including asking oldest to go for a sleepover without youngest too.

Sil also does this. Invites oldest over but not younger one. She wouldn’t dream of doing this to her own siblings children though.

The 4 yr old is admittedly harder work but please occasionally try to include her too. She is very well behaved but talks and sings non stop!

I do not expect mil to provide childcare ever, so this is not about me thinking she should do it for me because she does it for her other dil and son. Rather to stop excluding one child who would be devastated if she knew big sis was off having fun with cousins and grandma without her.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 31/07/2018 11:17

It depends if you think your MIL will make the time up with your youngest when she’s older from where I’m sat.

Having a four year old to stay (or taking them out for the day) can be a lot of hard work in the way that a 12 year old simply is not.

My own DDs are 13, 11 and 4 (and my youngest is also a dictorial PITA) so I have a lot of sympathy for your MIL wanting to have a relaxing time with the GC once they’re old enough to wipe their own backsides, or not throw tantrums if they can’t have Smarties for dinner.

Original poster
Norma27 · 31/07/2018 11:17

I totally agree things don’t need to be equal and wouldn’t expect them to be. The 4 yr old gets nothing at all though. Luckily I do take them both to lots of places.
I’m not sure if she taking them out this time or if they are staying in at her house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Norma27 · 31/07/2018 11:19

Don’t worry I’m not that parent.
As I said a one off is perfectly fine, or if she was invited sometimes. This is about her not getting anything at all.

OP posts:
80sMum · 31/07/2018 11:20

I think YABU. The 4-year-old wouldn't enjoy the same things as the older children, so the trip would have to be pitched at 4-year-old level, so the older kids might be bored. Also the little one would need a lot more supervision than the others, so it would be a much less enjoyable outing for Granny as well.

It does children no harm to learn that they can't always be included in things that their siblings are doing.

PatheticNurse · 31/07/2018 11:21

I wouldn't want to take a 4yr old. At the ages the other's are, they are independent and don't need supervising. Lot harder work to throw a 4yr old 8n the mix.

Aprilshowersinjuly · 31/07/2018 11:23

She shouldn't be picking /choosing - they are all her bloody dgc!!

mrsm43s · 31/07/2018 11:25

But as you said, your 4 year old doesn't get "nothing at all", she gets far more time with you. Different life stages, different advantages.

As I suggested earlier, arrange a day out with you, your 4 year old and your MIL to even up the balance. What's wrong with that suggestion? Your MIL (reasonably) doesn't want to be responsible for your 4 year old, so if you want her to go out, you will have to go too. Choose something age appropriate for a 4 year old, and your 12 year old can stay at home with Dad, so that your 4 year old gets "her turn". It's quite normal to have to accompany 4 year olds to everything except paid for childcare/nursery.

KC225 · 31/07/2018 11:26

OP we do this. 12 year old cousin has had sleepovers when they come up to stay with MIL (8 hours drive away). My DD is 11 and they get on really well. But we don't invite her brother who is 10 despite our son being 11. He is a violent and aggressive nightmare and my son dislikes him. I know his parent want him to have a sleepover but it wouldn't work for us.

I personally think 4 is a little young for sleepovers unless its close family. My DD goes on quite an few sleepovers so I make it a bit more fun for my son. We have film club. He can watch something a little more scary than DD, she still doesn't have the patience for a long film but he does - So it's popcorn in cartons. NO SCREENS. Fizzy Drinks with a straw and we watch it in the dark with a torch on the table must in case. We have a homemade scorecard for plot, scenery, best joke, scariest bit, cheesiest bit etc. He loves it. So do I.

Ask your DD what she would like to do. Use that time to do something fun - let her take the lead. There will be plenty of time for sleepovers later on.

LockedOutOfMN · 31/07/2018 11:27

YABU.

IceCreamFace · 31/07/2018 11:27

I think it's fine to invite only one when it's an activity that is designed with the eldest in mind or wouldn't be suitable for the youngest but then I'd expect the younger one to get a special day out a different time. Not always one invited and not the other.

adaline · 31/07/2018 11:28

But presumably she gets lots of one on one time with you as a result? That's probably amazing in the eyes of a 4yo, who would probably be bored stiff being dragged out with 12/13 year olds.

And how old is granny? You've not answered and I think it makes a big difference. I know you say she took the older ones out when they were younger, but she would have been eight/nine years younger then too. Going from (say) sixty to seventy can have quite an impact on energy levels and mobility levels for some people. Maybe she just can't cope with the younger one.

ClarkWGriswold · 31/07/2018 11:29

My MIL does this too and it drives me mad. There is a definite divide between how she feels about DD6 and DD4. Even DH says "poor old Griswold4 never gets a look in". Luckily she spends lots of time with my parents when DD6 is at school so gets made a fuss of then.

I don't really understand it though.

Clairetree1 · 31/07/2018 11:29

YAB completely U

of course there are many many circumstances and situations in which it it is possible to invite a 12 year old, and completely unreasonable to take a 4 year old.

I feel very sorry for your 12 year old, exactly how much is she missing out on because she has a so much younger sister?

When your youngest is 12 and the oldest is 20, are you going to ban the youngest from outings suitable for a 12 year old because her 20 year old sister isn't going?

i suspect this is more about you wanting them both off your hands

KC225 · 31/07/2018 11:33

Just read your update saying you get loads of time with the four year old but would like more time with the older one. Perhaps suggest that your DH takes the four year old to your MIL alone for an afternoon. Maybe she can sing HDR Granny a song and put on a show or something. Perhaps your DH can say that she feels a little left out and want to see her Granny. You get to do something nice with your older one.

Original poster
Norma27 · 31/07/2018 11:34

I don’t want them both of my hands at all. I had planned to take them swimming tomorrow and love having them both with me.
The 12 year old gets to have lots of age appropriate stuff for her. We will often take a friend to Alton Towers or similar. It is harder with a big age gap but I do make sure they both get to do things they want.

OP posts:
Original poster
Norma27 · 31/07/2018 11:35

And obviously I will be demanding pubs let her in age 10 so she can do the same as her sister!

OP posts:
rainingcatsanddog · 31/07/2018 11:36

12 is old enough to be discreet about the outing with granny. Can't it be done without her knowing?

I have a 12 year old and would find it hard to include a 4 year old in what we would do together. I have 5.5 years between oldest and youngest which is hard enough. Things would have to be pitched at the younger child's level which would mean that the older child lost out. Surely within your family unit there are times where the 12 year old is dumbing down for his sibling? It must be nice for him to have a family outing aimed at his age group.

It will get increasingly harder for the granny to come up with trips for teens. Maybe that's when the younger child will start getting trips?

Original poster
Norma27 · 31/07/2018 11:39

That does sound nice KC225.
My time with youngest will decrease soon as she starts reception September so will have less alone time with her too.
Sometimes I suggest doing something with eldest but she will say she wants little one to come too.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 31/07/2018 11:40

Taking a 4 year old is basically baby sitting, taking a 12 year old isn't. i totally understand why they don't take her sorry

user1471518636 · 31/07/2018 11:40

With such a big age gap it would be very difficult to find age appropriate activities for all children in question. I think it’s good for siblings to have some time apart and I’m sure the 12 yr old needs a break from a much younger sibling.
Sorry but YABU.

cornflakegirl · 31/07/2018 11:42

YANBU. It's reasonable that the 4yo doesn't get invited to join a pre-planned activity for the 8 and 13yo. But it would be perfectly possible to then plan another activity that did work for all ages. It's mean to always exclude the 4yo.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 31/07/2018 11:43

Honestly, YABU. The older ones will amuse each other - if the 4 year old was there she would be bugging them, then bugging granny...

If you want to take both children swimming tomorrow just stick to your plan and say older DC is busy. But I don't think it was unreasonable of MIL to invite her.

mrsm43s · 31/07/2018 11:44

Honestly, this is really easy to fix.

Just invite MIL to join in activities you are doing with your 4 year old (either with or without your 12 year old). Perhaps arrange to meet up for tea and cake after nursery one afternoon every couple of weeks as a standing arrangement.

The issue is almost certainly that MIL does not want to, or does not feel able to be in sole charge of your 4 year old, and that's perfectly OK, and you need to respect that. So if you want to foster a closer relationship or more time together with younger DD and your MIL, you (or DH) need to arrange it and accompany (and therefore be responsible for ) your 4yo.

Don't make this into something it isn't. It's almost certainly about DDs age rather than favouritism.

itbemay · 31/07/2018 11:46

I think YABU a 4 year old is much harder work than the others and it is likely the others will play together. It is hard though, my DM takes mine and my DS kids out separate and pretty much always has as she can't cope well with 4 kids at once, even though ours are similar ages.

I do agree with PP that kids should learn that they cant always do what others are doing and be treated exact same, life isn't like that. I also understand you must be upset for DD though, perhaps ask your MIL if she could just take DD out alone for a hour or two to make her feel special if she is really upset.

RideOn · 31/07/2018 11:46

I think the age gap is quite big, and YABU, just think of something you can do today the 4 yr old would like.

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